too true to be good

Stolen from a source I can no longer recall:

Due to an oversight in reprogramming the Diebolt voting machines flown in from Florida, George Bush gets 51% of the vote in Iraq.

Welcome to my abode

Well, here I am, hanging in my new pad (map) while the TV guy is trying to make the satellite work. Satellite! Ooo! Now I can ignore even more channels. Tonight I will perform some sort of ritual to consecrate this soon-to-be-hallowed ground. There’s only one beer left, though, and it’s a long way to get more. Having the grocery store so far away is enough to drive a man to liquor.

I’m not sure the satellite guy really knows what he’s doing. He’s just fiddling with the buttons and the remote control, when the connector on the cable is broken. He’s just spinning through the channels that get no signal. He’s on 189 now. Every once in a while he finds a channel that works, though.

OK, he’s gone now, but the non-satellite channels still work, and now I’m sitting in the comfy chair, sipping a frosty Budvar, watching professional hockey. Yep, that’s right. Sparta’s up 1-0 in the first period. It took me a while to figure out which team was which; there are so many corporate logos on the uniforms there’s not much room for the team identity. It looks like a contest between Siemens Mobile VW Hi-Tec (all the players are named Ferrari) and TCHAS Buska Vjačka (all the players are names Dalkia). The refs are all named ARC impex, all are members of team Skoda, and they have Aquasoft written across their butts. The ice itself looks like it belongs in NASCAR.

But it’s hockey. Right now they’re skating 4 on 3. It’s been a very physical game.

Castles, churches, and stuff from the charles bridge, prague

OK, now for the promised pics. The first one here I took a couple of nights ago, on the way home from a very smoky restaurant. We walked back over the Charles Bridge. Nice. No cars are allowed on the bridge, but it was still filled with people on a cold, cold night. This one looks a lot better big, so be sure to pop over to the gallery and check it out.

Prague lights on the vlatava

This is from about the same location, looking the other way out over the Vltava to the city on the far side.

Prague from window

At last we reach the new pad. I took this from one of the windows in the bedroom. Unfortunately the window it pretty high up, so I can’t gaze out into the city while I’m lying in bed. I pretty much have to tip-toe to see out.

As far as things around the house go, the appliances are definitely used, but the cabinets and countertop are new. The kitchen faucet is a trip. When you turn it on you can hear water running somewhere. A trickle starts, and eventually there is decent flow. That’s when you turn it off. Water will continue to flow for quite a while as the water that had been filling the pipe drains out. Nutty. Shower works as advertised (note to self: towels).

I figured out how to have the temp go down at night to save on heating bills. This morning I am appreciating how long it takes for the temps to recover. (Note to self: house shoes). It’s going to take extra tea (note to self: kettle) in the morning to get me going. I still plan to let it get pretty chilly in here at night (note to self: extra blankets), at least until guests arrive (note to self: extra extra blankets). The fridge (note to self: food) keeps the beer (note to self: more beer) cold but the freezer (note to self: cleaning supplies) is untested.

Since 05-05-05 is right around the corner, I’ve been assessing how many guests I can host at once. The answer: a lot, as long as they’re short. So please, when you send me your reservations, tell me how tall you are. Remember: in this case, short is good!

Moving!

Mainly this is to tell all y’all that I will be moving today. The new digs are nice, but I won’t have Internet access there until I can get the cable run up to the flat. That requires talking to several people who don’t speak English. In the meantime I’ll pop by fuego’s pad periodically to check in.

On a related note, I will be starting czech lessons next week with a very pretty tutor whose boyfriend is a buddy of fuego’s. Here’s hoping Ivanka introduces me to her cute friends for “conversation practice”.

What ought you to do?

Here in the Muddled world, February 2th, or 02/02, is oughto oughto day. It’s kind of like a reverse New Years day; its a time to finish something. It’s that deadline you need to get that open-ended project done. Here are my oughto oughto goals:

  1. Finish synopsis of The Monster Within
  2. Come up with poll to name March 2th
  3. Get one short piece finished that doesn’t suck

In order to get number 2 done above, I need suggestions. The others are up to me. What ought you to do?

People Who In Sorrow Roam

“You ever been to the British Museum?” he asked me.

“Couple of times.” I like museums.

“There’s a tablet there. Babylonian; before the Bible. Bunch of cats exiled or something. The were called Amankandu. ‘People who in sorrow roam’. Their leader was named Ka’in.”

It made sense. Kicked out of the garden, wandering. “Banned be thou from the soil which has received thy brother’s blood,” I said.

“They’re still out there, the Amankandu. Still wandering. And when they meet, they know one another.” He raised his glass to me.

Googling Like Schoolgirls

It it probably far more interesting to me than to anyone else just what it is that brings people here. This is just a small sample of the silly things people look for on the Web, and it’s pretty obvious that what they were looking for was not to be found here. As usual, words that I would prefer Google send to the original reference have been obfuscated here with spaces.

  • pitchers of crap – linked to a stream-of-unconsciousness episode written in a bar.
  • www. my -funny- stuff drunk man fall. com. – wow. Linked to my classic google-bait episode G e t D r u n k!
  • i am here for the beer t-shirt – linked to one of my cooking episodes
  • American road Thelma and Louise – links to a prototype of my essay The American Road Myth. A better version is coming out on Piker Press next Sunday. (I also have a bit in this week’s press but it’s not as strong as my previous entries.)
  • Tranquility base here, the Eagle has landed – Linked to an episode of the same name in which I found myself back in a bar and writing.
  • hotel bar sex stories for free – ’cause you sure wouldn’t want to pay for them. Linked to the Stories category page.
  • Pitchers of nice bucks – I prefer my bucks by the bushel.
  • disney piker pl – linked to this main page. Were they really looking for pL?
  • avoiding jetlag – linked to an episode that doesn’t really have much to do with anything.
  • monk murder “six finger” – Linked to the Feeding the Eels category page.
  • dress OR skirt OR clothes “caught me in her” – someone who knows how to get the most out of google, but wound up looking at an episode like this one anyway.
  • cartoon hammina – linked to the homeless tour category page
  • SQuirrel – remarkable only because the searcher had gone through 650 other matches before choosing the SSDC page. 650. Dang.
  • band bella – not sure what that’s code for with the kids these days, but for me that means Bella Roma
  • chris “Good Kitty ” -cat -feline – given the search string, I have no idea why they would care about my opinion of Nicole at The Cannery in Bozeman, Montana. Someone clicked the link, though.
  • girls shooting e e l s out of a s s – I know I said I was looking forward to the time I wouldn’t get these hits anymore, but the whole ‘shooting’ part is just too much to resist. Linked to the Feeding the Eels category page.
  • cowboy urns – The searcher found the C o w b o y G o d, but was probably looking for a way to spend $825 on a dead guy.
  • pictures of elk poop – it’s been a while since anyone came looking for that, and, now I have discovered I have one after all.
  • emmigrants stories – aol search was fooled by a metaphor on my stories category page
  • woman flashing breasts from convertibles – came to the homeless tour category page even though I haven’t mentioned the day Amy and I went to the racetrack.
  • gatorade and death – another unlikely link to S e x, D e a t h, and W o r d s, possibly my most enticingly-titled episode.
  • do they make a new vince lombardi trophy every year – answered decisively in my S t a n l e y C u p episode
  • beer faucet icons
  • there’s no hockey in heaven – brought them to this very short episode
  • road of life and love – came to an episode I like about the road.
  • content-type/javascript – It’s nice to know that someone looking for info about programming can find themselves reading about the current squirrel threat level.
  • “pacific beach” beer – second on Google’s list was my masterwork concerning regularization. (“Masterwork” in this case meaning “lots of words”.)
  • tiki hut girls pics – reading over this old episode, all I can tell you is that there was much more that happened that day I didn’t tell.
  • Stories about the star constellation Big Dipper and how it got its name – umm, it does look like a big thing you might use for dipping.

There has been a surge lately in people who can’t spell “picture” correctly, and thus are led to my episode P i t c h e r s. Beethoven is big, but searches concerning squirrel violence are on the decline. As always there are plenty of people looking for cooking advice, especially on the weekends.

A new record

I spent the evening writing at Roma. After the batteries were dead and the brain cells were well on their way, fuego and I played some pool. I am not very good at the game at the best of times, and last night was not the best of times. I lost, and then fuego started playing against the bartender. I played a couple more games, but most of the time I was standing at the bar talking to a czech guy who didn’t like being a czech guy.

“I am mad,” he said. I laughed it off, but he convinced me he was right. Nothing like talking to a drunk suicidal misogynist with violent urges on a Tuesday evening. Or on a Wednesday morning, for that matter. The sky was getting lighter when we came home, and at this lattitude in winter that’s saying something. The crazy guy walked with us. I think he wanted to sleep with fuego. He had already given up on me, so I was free to give him drunken pseudo-philosophical advice. I’m sure he will treasure the nuggets of wisdom I offered. At some point I stopped drinking beer, because, well, there wasn’t anything more it could do.

The rest of the night will have to wait for fiction.

The sun is up now, and has been for a long time. I’m listening to the Karel Gott, the Czech Elvis equivalent, cover “Seasons in the Sun” and watching the wind blow outside. It looks mighty cold out there.