Googling Like Schoolgirls

It it probably far more interesting to me than to anyone else just what it is that brings people here. This is just a small sample of the silly things people look for on the Web, and it’s pretty obvious that what they were looking for was not to be found here. As usual, words that I would prefer Google send to the original reference have been obfuscated here with spaces.

  • pitchers of crap – linked to a stream-of-unconsciousness episode written in a bar.
  • www. my -funny- stuff drunk man fall. com. – wow. Linked to my classic google-bait episode G e t D r u n k!
  • i am here for the beer t-shirt – linked to one of my cooking episodes
  • American road Thelma and Louise – links to a prototype of my essay The American Road Myth. A better version is coming out on Piker Press next Sunday. (I also have a bit in this week’s press but it’s not as strong as my previous entries.)
  • Tranquility base here, the Eagle has landed – Linked to an episode of the same name in which I found myself back in a bar and writing.
  • hotel bar sex stories for free – ’cause you sure wouldn’t want to pay for them. Linked to the Stories category page.
  • Pitchers of nice bucks – I prefer my bucks by the bushel.
  • disney piker pl – linked to this main page. Were they really looking for pL?
  • avoiding jetlag – linked to an episode that doesn’t really have much to do with anything.
  • monk murder “six finger” – Linked to the Feeding the Eels category page.
  • dress OR skirt OR clothes “caught me in her” – someone who knows how to get the most out of google, but wound up looking at an episode like this one anyway.
  • cartoon hammina – linked to the homeless tour category page
  • SQuirrel – remarkable only because the searcher had gone through 650 other matches before choosing the SSDC page. 650. Dang.
  • band bella – not sure what that’s code for with the kids these days, but for me that means Bella Roma
  • chris “Good Kitty ” -cat -feline – given the search string, I have no idea why they would care about my opinion of Nicole at The Cannery in Bozeman, Montana. Someone clicked the link, though.
  • girls shooting e e l s out of a s s – I know I said I was looking forward to the time I wouldn’t get these hits anymore, but the whole ‘shooting’ part is just too much to resist. Linked to the Feeding the Eels category page.
  • cowboy urns – The searcher found the C o w b o y G o d, but was probably looking for a way to spend $825 on a dead guy.
  • pictures of elk poop – it’s been a while since anyone came looking for that, and, now I have discovered I have one after all.
  • emmigrants stories – aol search was fooled by a metaphor on my stories category page
  • woman flashing breasts from convertibles – came to the homeless tour category page even though I haven’t mentioned the day Amy and I went to the racetrack.
  • gatorade and death – another unlikely link to S e x, D e a t h, and W o r d s, possibly my most enticingly-titled episode.
  • do they make a new vince lombardi trophy every year – answered decisively in my S t a n l e y C u p episode
  • beer faucet icons
  • there’s no hockey in heaven – brought them to this very short episode
  • road of life and love – came to an episode I like about the road.
  • content-type/javascript – It’s nice to know that someone looking for info about programming can find themselves reading about the current squirrel threat level.
  • “pacific beach” beer – second on Google’s list was my masterwork concerning regularization. (“Masterwork” in this case meaning “lots of words”.)
  • tiki hut girls pics – reading over this old episode, all I can tell you is that there was much more that happened that day I didn’t tell.
  • Stories about the star constellation Big Dipper and how it got its name – umm, it does look like a big thing you might use for dipping.

There has been a surge lately in people who can’t spell “picture” correctly, and thus are led to my episode P i t c h e r s. Beethoven is big, but searches concerning squirrel violence are on the decline. As always there are plenty of people looking for cooking advice, especially on the weekends.

A new record

I spent the evening writing at Roma. After the batteries were dead and the brain cells were well on their way, fuego and I played some pool. I am not very good at the game at the best of times, and last night was not the best of times. I lost, and then fuego started playing against the bartender. I played a couple more games, but most of the time I was standing at the bar talking to a czech guy who didn’t like being a czech guy.

“I am mad,” he said. I laughed it off, but he convinced me he was right. Nothing like talking to a drunk suicidal misogynist with violent urges on a Tuesday evening. Or on a Wednesday morning, for that matter. The sky was getting lighter when we came home, and at this lattitude in winter that’s saying something. The crazy guy walked with us. I think he wanted to sleep with fuego. He had already given up on me, so I was free to give him drunken pseudo-philosophical advice. I’m sure he will treasure the nuggets of wisdom I offered. At some point I stopped drinking beer, because, well, there wasn’t anything more it could do.

The rest of the night will have to wait for fiction.

The sun is up now, and has been for a long time. I’m listening to the Karel Gott, the Czech Elvis equivalent, cover “Seasons in the Sun” and watching the wind blow outside. It looks mighty cold out there.