Googleday, bloody Googleday

It’s been a while, so I climbed into the way-back machine to see what’s been bringing people here. Some are interesting, others, not, but hell, it gets an episode out without making any demands on my creativity.

  • saturday has a morning shirt – linked to a crappy episode
  • Tomas pronounced Tomash – linked to an old story about a czech road trip
  • “no squirrel” – I don’t have to tell you where that one led.
  • pictures “girl drinking beer” – went to the bars of the world category page.
  • the best cool games and racing games shooting games in the whole wold
  • Death by Squirrel – the usual connection
  • “I love amy”-lee 2004 – I guess lee loves amy, too!
  • short stories on disguise, anonymity and behaviour – linked to the stories category page, where thiere might even have been something appropriate. Probably not, though.
  • hwy 60 in chile – Chile, New Mexico – they’re pretty similar
  • INTERSTATE 60: EPISODES OF THE ROAD (2004) – came within seconds of the search above, but from halfway around the world.
  • boy gets haircut in czech prison – linked to my episode about my landlord
  • explanation of edward gorey style – linked to an old, old episode about the books I had with me at the moment
  • Roma+time – top match discusses the strange way time works at one of my favorite hangouts
  • “reusable space vehicle” – one of my more outrageous get poor quick schemes.
  • dog injuries thorn in leg from cactus – I hope they found something more useful than this.
  • zepter vacuum cleaner – just ask. I know all about that stuff. fuego and I practically invented the damn thing.
  • roma pizzeria mac road – links to the same episode as the last one. Such an odd combination of things they may actually have been looking for this site.
  • czechs reserved people – linked to a story about how czechs may be standoffish, but at least they’re not New Yorkers.
  • “the open bar” san diego – the episode really doesn’t express what a crappy bar that is, but I like the way it flows.
  • “plastic miniskirt” – the other top contenders were muck more enticing than my Bulwer-Lytton episode.
  • poems about mr.little – went to the Idle Chit-Chat category page and nowhere else.
  • googles+x-ray+power – I love bad spelling. Went to an episode like this one.
  • get you drunk quick – my classic episode isn’t scoring as high anymore.
  • “pacific beach” shorts men’s -“beach boy” -“san diego” – back to my pants.
  • m o j a v e r o s e b o o b s – if this is not the perfect three-word summation of my life, I don’t know what is. Lead the searcher to Bobbi.
  • things to write in y e a r b o o k s – this is a seasonal one; I’ve gotten quite a few lately. Links to this episode about y e a r b o o k s
  • alpha romeo 1985 – linked to the much-loved episode about H i g h w a y 60, which is particularly interesting for the comments.
  • b u d v a r bar – Gotta love them b u d v a r bars.
  • Sunday Bloody Sunday – I rated surprisingly high on that search on Yahoo Japan. Linked to an episode about the day after a big night.
  • toast plate thermodynamics – not the usual way people reach the egg pages, but in interesting one.
  • small google pictures on old faithful – linked to one of the Y e l l o w s t o n e episodes.
  • bacteria mats – linked to the same episode, where there is actually a picture of bacteria mats.
  • “bare legs” japan|japanese|sapporo|hokkaido winter|freezing – linked to an episode that has nothing to do with Japan.

And, of course, the usual suspects.

I got a link from babelfish translating the main page into German. I looked at how it handled the bit I wrote in czech a few days ago, and apparently it assumed it was just some dialect of English it could not deal with. Which is how that writing probably looks to the Czechs, as well.

Google me this, Google me that

Happy Easter! It’s a day for not working, which means it’s a Google Day! (Actually, these are quite a bit of work now, which makes it all the more mysterious why I do them.) This episode is dedicated to the sisters.

Note that with this episode I have returned to my obfuscational ways, inserting spaces were I don’t want to distract the search engines from the original.

  • squirrel master half baked picture – linked to the explanation page
  • drink your beer song – could have linked to any number of places, but Google chose this deceptively titled one about the Anti-Jerry
  • guest poems linked to the guest poems, of course
  • x-ray gogs explained – in a great recursive cause and effect ring, searchers no longer go to the page I first mentioned x-ray gogs while describing Rose, but to Google episodes like this one.
  • getting a life – who would have thought I’d have an episode named that? I mean sure, I know eggs, but life?
  • The Secrets of the Last Eunuch – if my blog didn’t already have a name, this would be it. Linked to a sappy Amy episode.
  • things to do while you wait for toast to pop up – I don’t know why, but I like the way this seeker thinks.
  • “poodle” birthday girl message party ideas – I just cut and paste, kids.
  • cover friggin sestry – attracted to punk rock with accordion and uppity frou-frou canines
  • crap filled crepes – I don’t know what they were looking for, but I like the way they think.
  • half of page blank in comcast start page – maybe they should ask comcast about that rather than google.
  • ivanka praha hair – it funny how many hair searches I get.
  • fire eel with a twitch – sometimes therapy helps
  • mopar tits – linked to a google episode like this one, but that search linked to this juicy episode
  • crazy countertop height bar stools – it was the word “crazy” that put the Bars Tour category page at the top of the search results
  • Motorcycle Partys Show those puppies
  • star named beauty – you know, I don’t know crap about anything like that, but it sure is nice to know someone is searching for it. And in the end, they could have done worse than end up here.
  • pardubice photos hejduk – an up-to-date hockey fan is sadly disappointed.
  • elk poop description picture – hit on two other episodes like this one, but the picture (for what it’s worth) is here. You know what’s crazy? These guys really want to see pictures of elk poop.
  • talent show ideas – at this moment, I’m number four at Yahoo for that search. And now that I think about it, I do have a few ideas that would be memorable…
  • anti-squirrels – I had thought we mentioned them only in the comments, but no, they made it to the top level in an episode like this one from long ago.
  • definition fern bar – I’ve been in a few, but I never defined one. I’m thinking, though, that the guy who searches the Web for the definition probably belongs in one.
  • arabic legend stories of Cassiopeia – this site scored high strictly on the weight of the word story. But heck, I really want to know…
  • Pictures of Dead Bison in Yellowstone – obviously a pent-up need as this episode came up on the 6th page of results.
  • “sunday bloody sunday” explanation – linked to a morning after episode that includes the B i l l y I d o l Incident.
  • “i was trapped” naked “my clothes” “my shoes” – linked to the Stories category page
  • aftermath nicole – I guess I’m not the only one who’s met her.
  • squirrel safety path – this was a Japanese search, so I can’t help but suspect the path was to protect the squirrels rather than protect us from the squirrels, but let’s face it, if the squirrels are in the cult, they’re not looking for safety
  • squirrel pants
  • “explosive welding” – scored pretty high. I guess not that many people talk about this very fun way to join two materials. Linked to an episode about trumpet bells.
  • m o o n l i g h t s o n a t a steam – not sure what steam has to do with it, but it put me right at the top. A more mature version of the story is in the Piker Press Archives

It’s the Easter season, so there’s been a surge in H u n k y J e s u s and Indulgence searches. P o s i t i v e D r i n k i n g is big these days, and it leads to an episode that starts slow but really gets rolling. Fryers are back with a vengeance, accounting for about 50% of visitors on the weekends. One episode like this one, called V e n i, V i d i, G o o g l i gets a lot of hits from Italians.

Traveling at the Speed of Google

A long list this time. I didn’t bother with obfuscation, a decision I may revisit.

  • squirrel pants law Linked to two different episodes: SSDC and My Pants.
  • “yellow brick road” meaning – If metaphor is what the searcher wanted, The American Road Myth isn’t bad.
  • movie accidents of Garfield – this was a search on A9, which at least wants to appear to be affiliated with Amazon. My hoping that Marmaduke would choke to death on Garfield’s corpse pulled a visitor into a fairly incoherent episode.
  • chilly midriff – the searcher went through some 320 hits before arriving at my page, only to discover that Google was out of date and the references to small shirts and cold weather had been pushed off the main page. In the search I was in fine company, clearly, wedged between “nauseating repugnant and therefore very cool” and “Yo mama”.
  • butch girl haircuts remarkable because the word haircuts appears nowhere in the episode, none of the words are in the title, yet the episode came in second in google’s list. (The episode gets a lot of hits for its mention of specific bars; all I can figure is some of that love rubbed off.)
  • electromagnetic bomb scheme build – linked to the get poor quick category page; most of the word matches were in the Reusable Space Vehicle episode.
  • space launch cannon here’s the followup to the reusable space vehicle episode
  • drinking from the stanley cuphere
  • ramblings of a drunken man – main page
  • “and that’s the way it always is”Megan
  • the brief explanation about AM radio – well, this site is a bastion of science…but in this case no science was to be found here.
  • jeans for real women – linked to an episode about my pants.
  • gyroscope balanced motorcycles – there’s it’s gonna work, I tell you.
  • roxie blog OR journal “san francisco” -cinema -theatre -theater – all that and they still came here.
  • san diego fern bar – I have to wonder why anyone was looking for a fern bar, no matter where it’s located.
  • dew barrymore and clovis – a typo and a weird convergence of words led to the homeless tour category page.
  • ideas techniques expose skirt – a stripper looking for professional advice, or someone needing a new half-baked invention? Votaw, I want the blueprints on my desk by Wednesday.
  • “the frogs” band virginia “yeah yeah yeah”
  • shy dogs facts and pitchers – that misspelling gets me lots of business
  • poker’mon pitchers – what do you get when you cross a hick with a anime fan?
  • freeloading counter linked the episode where I borrow broadband from Jojo.
  • beeristers – I’m surprised more people haven’t used this word. I used here while wondering about a girl across the bar.
  • i only make passes at cowboy asses – somehow I don’t think The Cowboy God is really what they were looking for
  • holiday ticker – ’cause you gotta know what’s coming up!
  • flashing breasts – only notable because msn ranked me number 4 for this search.
  • PARTY GAMES WITHOUT WRITING.COM – ’cause so many party games require literacy
  • “Tiki Hut Girls”
  • HOW LONG CAN I GO WITHOUT FEEDING MY FIRE EEL here
  • “this means nothing” interesting only because this meant nothing
  • skoda store – linked to a very brief observation about the effect of cars on an unsuspecting society
  • i have lost my pants
  • VIDA ……………………………OGLING – an episode like this one was top of the list for this odd query
  • i have lost my pants – linked to the episode where I paid tribute to my pants
  • Cartoon Poodles – linked to the main page here, due to the episode where I picked a fight with a poodle
  • define ssdc comcast net – the other search results didn’t mention squirrels at all! What gives?
  • prague guide “budvar bar” – linked to main page.
  • how to get getting started in arial photography – linked to the get-poor-quuick category page. I think they were looking for aureola photography, but I’m not sure.
  • scary squirrel sex
  • step to step guides on how to use bed hoists? – the new egg episode caught their eye.
  • breakfast rhymes with – linked to an episode about Ely, NV.
  • “why people go to bars” – you need a reason? Linked to my episode from oh, so long ago about bartenders.
  • telecom tower praha babies – someone else fascinated by the giant freaks. Did not link to the episode with the pictures.
  • BIG ASS BEER – I like the exuberance expressed in the search.

All the usual suspects have been well-represented, but February was the slowest month here in a long time, partly due to Google deciding that I wasn’t the Egg Guru it used to think I was. Perhaps it suspected me of being a Google-bomber. For a while I actually got a better feel for how many people come here on purpose, and it was better than I thought. As of yesterday, the egg-friers are back with a vengeance, though. The reign of The Mr11K3 will soon come to an end.

Googling Like Schoolgirls

It it probably far more interesting to me than to anyone else just what it is that brings people here. This is just a small sample of the silly things people look for on the Web, and it’s pretty obvious that what they were looking for was not to be found here. As usual, words that I would prefer Google send to the original reference have been obfuscated here with spaces.

  • pitchers of crap – linked to a stream-of-unconsciousness episode written in a bar.
  • www. my -funny- stuff drunk man fall. com. – wow. Linked to my classic google-bait episode G e t D r u n k!
  • i am here for the beer t-shirt – linked to one of my cooking episodes
  • American road Thelma and Louise – links to a prototype of my essay The American Road Myth. A better version is coming out on Piker Press next Sunday. (I also have a bit in this week’s press but it’s not as strong as my previous entries.)
  • Tranquility base here, the Eagle has landed – Linked to an episode of the same name in which I found myself back in a bar and writing.
  • hotel bar sex stories for free – ’cause you sure wouldn’t want to pay for them. Linked to the Stories category page.
  • Pitchers of nice bucks – I prefer my bucks by the bushel.
  • disney piker pl – linked to this main page. Were they really looking for pL?
  • avoiding jetlag – linked to an episode that doesn’t really have much to do with anything.
  • monk murder “six finger” – Linked to the Feeding the Eels category page.
  • dress OR skirt OR clothes “caught me in her” – someone who knows how to get the most out of google, but wound up looking at an episode like this one anyway.
  • cartoon hammina – linked to the homeless tour category page
  • SQuirrel – remarkable only because the searcher had gone through 650 other matches before choosing the SSDC page. 650. Dang.
  • band bella – not sure what that’s code for with the kids these days, but for me that means Bella Roma
  • chris “Good Kitty ” -cat -feline – given the search string, I have no idea why they would care about my opinion of Nicole at The Cannery in Bozeman, Montana. Someone clicked the link, though.
  • girls shooting e e l s out of a s s – I know I said I was looking forward to the time I wouldn’t get these hits anymore, but the whole ‘shooting’ part is just too much to resist. Linked to the Feeding the Eels category page.
  • cowboy urns – The searcher found the C o w b o y G o d, but was probably looking for a way to spend $825 on a dead guy.
  • pictures of elk poop – it’s been a while since anyone came looking for that, and, now I have discovered I have one after all.
  • emmigrants stories – aol search was fooled by a metaphor on my stories category page
  • woman flashing breasts from convertibles – came to the homeless tour category page even though I haven’t mentioned the day Amy and I went to the racetrack.
  • gatorade and death – another unlikely link to S e x, D e a t h, and W o r d s, possibly my most enticingly-titled episode.
  • do they make a new vince lombardi trophy every year – answered decisively in my S t a n l e y C u p episode
  • beer faucet icons
  • there’s no hockey in heaven – brought them to this very short episode
  • road of life and love – came to an episode I like about the road.
  • content-type/javascript – It’s nice to know that someone looking for info about programming can find themselves reading about the current squirrel threat level.
  • “pacific beach” beer – second on Google’s list was my masterwork concerning regularization. (“Masterwork” in this case meaning “lots of words”.)
  • tiki hut girls pics – reading over this old episode, all I can tell you is that there was much more that happened that day I didn’t tell.
  • Stories about the star constellation Big Dipper and how it got its name – umm, it does look like a big thing you might use for dipping.

There has been a surge lately in people who can’t spell “picture” correctly, and thus are led to my episode P i t c h e r s. Beethoven is big, but searches concerning squirrel violence are on the decline. As always there are plenty of people looking for cooking advice, especially on the weekends.

Google bin berry berry good to me

Another look at the odd things people turn to the net to find. These people, rather than finding what they are looking for, for some reason came to this blog instead. Looking at the search strings, it’s pretty clear the majority of them were not looking for what they found here. As usual, phrases I do not want to distract Google with are obfuscated with spaces.

  • what is the significance of stacking rocks? – Jeeves thought I might be able to help with the answer to that. After all, I am renowned for my rock-stacking prowess.
  • slivovitce – very few matches for this homemade hooch on the Web.
  • they drunk natalie – Arthur Dent: What’s wrong with being drunk? Ford Prefect: Ask a glass of water.
  • going to Prague what to wear cold parka – sounds like the searcher already knows more about the subject than I do. Linked to the main page here.
  • owl bar san antonio new mexico – caught my eye because the searcher was someone at the washington post. Linked to the h i g h w a y 6 0 episode. I hope whoever it was read the good stories in the comments.
  • kilgore trout no idea – I did mention Kilgore Trout once, but why someone would want to read that episode I have no idea.
  • Sex and Trucks – connects to the Google-magnet episode S e x , D e a t h, a n d W o r d s
  • my google hurts – linked to an episode like this one
  • EULA Writing – an old classic, links to a draft of the License agreement for Jer’s Novel Writer
  • roads and streets in winston salem 1950 – connected to a story about a very good drive through North Carolina and West Virginia.
  • pinch needle sex stories – Linked to the stories category page. The summary that appeared in Google: … The cowboy might in a real pinch ask his God for a blessing, but … Sex! … with other people around the bubble shatters into tiny red fragments, needle-sharp little …. The P o w e r o f P o s i t i v e D r i n k i n g contributed the sentence “Sex!” and the needle.
  • “25-hour days” hour day – visitor 9001 linked to an episode where I covered a lot of miles.
  • daughter caught me in her dress – you know, sometimes I wonder why I watch referrals so closely. Sometimes I find the answer.
  • office sex accident – ooops!
  • big arabic ass – an unlikely convergence with this.
  • hangover yellow sick – connected rather unlikelily to the threat level meter page.
  • baby ocelot pictures – I celebrate all oocelots, elevators, and rutabagas, even if this search linked to a google page mentioning a search that linked to yet another Google page. (You know what I’m hoping, don’t you?)
  • sex rapture violent – umm… right.
  • eels rumor blinking lights – linked to the Feeding the Eels page.
  • prosperous cemetery ideas – came to the main page. It sounds like a Disney/Shady Acres partnership is on the way!
  • i need my pants – linked to an episode about, well, my pants.
  • martha stewart, sequin contest – improbably, this page came out at the top of the search.

The usual suspects: People continue to come here for cooking advice, inspiration about their nation, alcohol and its effects (especially on women), the word “g o o g l i”, bars, taverns, and watering holes I have encountered in my travels (including one in Prague now), and a new very common phrase, “M o o n l i g h t s o n a t a

I think I will be glad when “eels” and “ass” don’t appear on the same page any more.

There’s No Google Like Show Google

Sometimes when I look at the search strings that lead people here I think there must be a message buried in the words. It feels like some sort of barometer of the world mood. Then I see that someone went through seven pages of results for the search “get girls drunk” to wind up at this humble site and I realize that overall humanity is pretty stupid, and the Web just facilitates that. Here then is a measure of that stupidity. That I can offer myself up as a paragon of stupid, the brass ring on the idiot carousel, makes me proud.

As tradition dictates, phrases I want to ensure do not distract the search engines are obfuscated with spaces.

  • beer genuis – if beer makes you smarter, then by damn I must be a genius, too. In this case, it linked here
  • sheep all dressed up – unfortunately comcast.net searches are hard to work back with to see how that could possibly have come here. But you have to like the phrase.
  • billionaires give me a car – linked to my general Get Poor Quick category page, where I ask for multi-billionaires to step forward to fund my space launch idea.
  • first, decipher this cowboy’s symbols, Th – I think we’ve found the limit to how long a url Sitemeter can store. I never did learn what to do next, but it probably had to do with coming in out of the rain.
  • free spells for bring people to come to your site – now there’s a way to drive up traffic I hadn’t thought of.
  • handstand pee dogs – OK, come on people! What do you expect to find with that? If you want to learn about spike you just have to ask.
  • sam’s p l a c e lake t a h o e norm – notable among the many hits I get on that bar because Norm is a regular there. This was not a search on the bar, but a search on a guy in the bar. Viva Norm!
  • trumpet bell making – you know among all the people who come here hoping to find methods to get members of the opposite sex wasted as quickly as possible, every once in a while comes along a true artist who is looking for innovation in horn design.
  • bring a slave – linked to the good ‘ol beer slave episode
  • temper of a rattlesnake – I used that phrase in a Feeding the Eels episode.
  • freeloading – while I’ve used the term many times, the episode with that title was from when I was borrowing Jojo’s WiFi from her back porch while she wasn’t home.
  • lyrics to “C h r i s t m a s C a r o l of my own” – I had the only match! Links to the Bars of the World tour page, which includes, well, a C h r i s t m a s C a r o l of my own.
  • existentialism blog jer 2004 Dec – they must have been looking for me. My only mention of existentialism, however, was to admit that I didn’t know much about it.
  • h a r d b o d y girl – I saw a tremendous surge in traffic last week (well, tremendous for me, anyway; it would have been unnoticeable on a larger site) and it seems part of the reason is that as of this writing Google ranks me number one of all sites for that phrase. I was excited by the increase in traffic for a while, but even now it’s tapering off and I realize that none of it means a damn thing. Are there more regulars than before? Hard to tell, but the ratio of regular to accidental visitor is certainly shrinking.
  • what movie contained the line, sometimes you just have to say, what the heck – came to the main page. I haven’t figured out the whole convergence there.
  • the statement the smell of cigarette smoke is erotic – I sure as hell never said that.
  • pictures of white churches on fire – OK, sure, I do mention white church steeples in Through the V a l l e y of F i r e&nbsp to the B o s o m of B o b b i , but it’s not the kind of title you would expect someone interested in churches, on fire or not, to click.
  • how to get poor – now there’s someone who came to the right place.
  • sax between mom daughter – it’s nice to know there’s still interest in musical families.
  • i gave her beer and now she is dead – Linked to my beer s l a v e episode. I’m kind of surprised at that. Nobody dies.
  • t i k i l o v e g o d – well, clearly they were looking for me, but in fact I haven’t been to Tiki in a long time.
  • sexy m e g a n – notable mainly because in the past the hit has been m e g a n stinks
  • marmaduke dog name – umm… Marmaduke? Linked to a fairly incoherent ramble (beer may have been involved) that included the line “If Marmaduke was to choke to death on Garfield’s corpse, the world would be a better place.”
  • gary sinese – by the time I checked, I had slipped off (or over?) page 22 of aol’s search results. So I ask: who in all the seventeen hells would enter a popular actor’s name, go through twenty-two pages of search results and finally choose to come here?
  • squirrel drinking beer – if that is not the most unlikely yet perfectly tuned three words to bring someone to this sordid site, I don’t know what is. Not three days ago I sent Brian a picture of a squirrel drinking beer. Don’t ask me to find it again.
  • great driving roads in virginia – Because it shamelessly sucks off the name of a popular song, the episode Take Me Home, Country Roads gets more than its fair share of attention. In its defense, it does describe one of the top two highways in that fair state.

Time rolls past. MR&HBI is no longer the top hit for “h a r d b o d y g ir l s”. You must search on h a r d b o d y b r e a s t s to find MR&HBI in the top slot. Damn, I’m proud (*sniff*). Meanwhile, many of the top hits for “h a r d b o d y g i r l s” are sites telling teens the virtues of being a herdbody. (That was a typo, but you know, I’m sticking with it.) I imagine articles with titles like “Anorexia: Make it Work for You”.

Egg cooking, of course, accounts for a couple hundred visits a week (although only 20 out of the last 100 visits), and there are always people looking for the lowdown on particular bars. The volume of traffic by people who can’t figure out for themselves how to get drunk and what to do once they get there is increasing (and alarming). It’s not a mystery, kids. Mini blimps and x-ray gogs remain popular.

What does this all mean? Why would someone search the web for the name of a dog they mention by name? Why do so many people turn to the blogosphere for cooking advice? Why do I spend so much time tracking it?

What else ya gonna do?

When in Googlopolis, Google

I’ve started compiling this list as I see interesting searches, so it’s less work when the list gets long enough to push out. As usual, certain words are obfuscated by adding spaces so the search engines won’t get distracted and bring people to this page instead of the original.

  • czech holiday cursing – man, I wish I had the answers for the implied question here.
  • picture sex accident – although ‘accident’ describes almost my entire sex life, I have no pictures to prove it. The searcher was drawn to perhaps my most enticing episode title ever: S e x, D e a t h, and Words.
  • 2004 hands hard body – they came here, but I’m not sure how. I couldn’t find myself anywhere in the search.
  • mopar tits – you know the best ones are from NAPA. Just ask B o b b i.
  • beer commercial ideas – when some company plays my brother’s life as a beer commercial, who gets the royalties? But wait! No! This linked to my own sheepdog to cut a cutie out of the herd idea. If this does show up as a beer commercial, you will never hear the end of how it was stolen from me. so let’s all cross our fingers, shall we?
  • pee for distance – oh, man, it tickles me the searches I score high on. In this case a perfectly erudite treatise on ageing by a fellow bar patron.
  • she made me hard – I am honestly perplexed how I scored so high on that search. But the result is worth it. Shae has a wandering soul but a good heart.
  • gatorade sex – I don’t make this up, kids, I just report it.
  • jer’s hat rack plans – just gimme a minute. I’ll work up plans for the bast damn hat rack ever.
  • a list of things to write in others yearbooks – not a list, but a strong suggestion, and the coinage of prenostalgia and postcocious. (OK I admit, I’ve used prenostalgia before that)
  • A Musical Catastrophe – I have to admit, after digging into it farther, I really want to see that movie.
  • put eels in her ass – I almost didn’t include this one, but well, it’s kind of funny.
  • musical instrument powered by gravity kinetic and potential energy – John, I want a design in my desk by Friday.
  • the real King W i n c e s l a s – yes, he was Czech.
  • how to get d r u n k – unbelievable how often people come to me for that advice these days. How to do it quickly, how go do it to other people, and what to do once you get there. Of course, I take no pride at all in scoring high on Google for phrases that include “get d r u n k”. Too much of that and you’ll wind up like this.
  • feminine beer names – someone in the Air Force in Alaska needed to know.
  • in google we trust – the title to another episode like this one has now started drawing attention on its own. It’s all part of my plan to come out at the top when people google “Google”

I’m not sure why, but the word h a r d b o d y has been bringing a lot of people here. Just so you know: my body is not, nor has it ever been, hard.

Squirrel violence searches seem to on the rise, and of course the huevos bring ’em in by the dozen. (Of the last 100 people to visit the site, 18 came on egg searches.) The other usual suspects were all there as well, with bars in O c e a n B e a c h strongly represented in the last week.

Veni, Vidi, Googli

So lazy, in fact, that the list is a short one today. But as a Special Holiday Bonus I’ve included a special section on cooking. As usual, words I don’t want to attract attention from the search bots are obfuscated by using spaces.

  • “v a l l e y of fire”, fault, map – one of the most eye-catching episode titles gets more than its share of hits: Through the Val ley of Fire to the B o s o m of B o b b i
  • electromagnetic launcher coil projectile – linked to my Get Poor Quick page, which includes a really bad but sexy-sounding idea for a reusable space vehicle
  • smoking glass whore san diego – linked to main page.
  • fun things to do when your drunk – My drunk? You know, I have a lot of suggestions, but really, you shouldn’t have to come to me for this.
  • human b l i m p – granted, my story was about human-powered b l i m p s, but heck, close enough. (By the way, apparently BASSCAR is already taken.)
  • who reads E U L A ask google a rhetorical question, it retaliates by sending you to me.
  • half squirrel half girl – came to the main page

There were the usual queries about bars and the dog in the movie Half Baked. Squirrel violence was of course a theme, and links to references to various bars around the western US. A new addition to the list of usual suspects is H i g h w a y 60.

What does it say when every Sunday and holiday sees a surge in queries about how to c o o k e g g s? I imagine it goes much like this in countless households across the free world:

Man: No honey, seriously. I’ll cook up a nice breakfast for you.
Woman: Really?
Man: Sure. I didn’t starve before I met you, you know.
Obviously, they both think, regarding his belly, but neither says it out loud.
Man: How do you like your eggs?
Woman: O v e r e a s y.
Man: Me, too! That’s great! Instead of going to the kitchen, he goes to the office and sits down in front of the computer. Lord, I don’t ask you for much, but please let there be step-by-step instructions for cooking eggs the way she likes them.

Luckily, man finds my page on the subject. There’s no page better (in my opinion), but it just scratches the surface. Alas, man doesn’t know that toast takes surprisingly long compared to the time the egg is in the pan. He doesn’t know the pros and cons of leaving a few crispy critters from the bacon in the pan while he cooks up the eggs. He doesn’t know about controlling the perimeter of the egg as it drops into the pan, and the crucial role pan heat plays in that. He doesn’t even know if she likes her eggs sprawling or contained. There’s not much I can do for that individual but tell him the first rule. Don’t flip too soon. If I wasn’t so behind already, I’d devote a chapter of my NaNoWriMo novel to cooking the perfect o v e r e a s y egg.

In that context, I am the Lord’s cruel tease. Man will read my episode and think he’s got it well in hand, but in the end it takes practice to get the huevos just right. The pan is never the same temperature twice, so I can’t say exactly how many seconds to wait before the flip. You just have to feel it.

If a tree Googles in the forest, does it make a sound?

Yes, it’s high time to take a look at the accidents that bring people here. For that is what brings most people here – blind chance and the whim of Google and the other search engines. In the past I have obfuscated some terms by using pig latin to prevent future searches from coming to the google page instead of the rightful target page. This time I’m inserting spaces in the words instead. It makes it easier to read, even if it’s not as fun.

  • witchcraft in springerville arizona – linked to the general road trip page. Part of the match was me telling about H i g h w a y 60
  • pup that ass – linked to an episode about Spike falling on his ass while trying to pee. But what were they really looking for?
  • bobbi hall boobs six – the Bobbi I met only has two.
  • enormous bosom – Bobbi again
  • Writing a good E U L A – One of my more important public services
  • h i g h w a y 60 New Mexico – links to ann episode with lots of good stories in the comments as well.
  • crystals feet sex – linked here
  • “passed out” marker – top of the list! Links to the episode where Jojo became my beer slave
  • positive things about drinking – they came to the right place
  • pitchers of hairstyles – Got more than one of these. I am popular among stylists who can’t spell.
  • “automobilization of America” – guess I can’t copyright that phrase. I used it here , but it is a theme in many posts.
  • iggy trumpet San diego – linked here; another one where you just have to wonder what they were actually hoping to find.
  • G i l l i g a n colour pics – links to the “Call me G i l l i g a n” series, which starts with a more muddled than usual ramble here
  • “friends bugging each other” “need space” – I’m an expert on bugging people. Links to a G i l l i g a n episode.
  • what to eat with b e e r c h e e s e s o u p – One of several searches that came to the right place
  • prenostalgia – It’s a nice word, I’m not surprised someone else thought of it too.
  • what is the state of alabama currently doing to curb de homeless? – de same thing as every other state – damn little
  • montana cactus thorn hand injury – clearly looking for something specific, and they got me instead.
  • man p e r f u m e manual – Another public service to be found here
  • pimp my peterbilt – the search phrase is more interesting than the the thing it linked to
  • fun getting get drunk – linked here. Obviously the searcher didn’t really need my help.
  • america as granfalloon – mentioned offhandedly here (Jesse’s comment is more interesting than the episode) – it just feels good to me that someone else thinks that way.
  • six bucket coltrane – amazing coincidence that all three of those words appeared in a single episode. Six Bucket Coltrane. That has a nice ring to it.
  • m e g a n smells – links to one of my more important public service announcements
  • baby ocelot pictures – linked to another Google episode, not to the original elevator ocelot rutabaga entry. It was the word baby that did it, but it’s nice to see ocelot show up now and then.
  • Suicide Meter – Linked to this episode, rather than SSDC – some good comments in there.
  • heard the voice of god while watching creatures – went to the homeless tour category page; where I would be stunned to learn that he who sought did find
  • tweaker whore san diego – sweeeeet.
  • tell her goodbye – linked to G o o d b y e, R o s e

In a given day, about 30% of the people that come to this site are looking for advice on how to cook eggs. I think the ratio is higher on the weekends. Lots of people find their way here looking up specific bars I have mentioned. A m y’s car generates a lot of hits. I’ll have to see if there’s a song by that title or something, because they come from all over the world. x r a y g o g s still brings ’em in as well. Finally I get a lot of hits when people search on the phrase “P r o u d to be A m e r i c a n”. I expect they’re disappointed by what they find.

There you have it! Did you find this site through a search? I’d love to hear from you!

In Google We Trust

As those have been around know, sometimes I like to take a look at the searches that lead people to this site. Sometimes I put the search string in pig latin here so the actual search will still go to the intended episode. This episode is not as well cross-referenced as previous ones, but on dialup it’s just too painful to go back and look up the episodes that were hit.

  • XML RSS feed seduction – I’ve always found RSS to be pretty sexy too.
  • horrible accident pictures – I hope that my lovely words overcame their morbid fascination. I probably just fed it.
  • all curse words in pig latin – I guess they couldn’t uckingfay do it themselves.
  • “steve martin” “no pants” – now there’s a real fan.
  • free parking lot sex meps – Ooo! I want one! It’s the word meps that brought them to me.
  • sweaty ass damp pants – no comment
  • spaceshipone escape velocity – get this one pretty often. No, kids, it does not reach escape velocity. Not even close. Not even close to close.
  • rain water and grain alcohol – it’s all about purity of essence
  • stuff that’s in montana like mountains and some other things – it’s the other things that interest me most
  • unkyhay esusjay ontestcay – interest is starting to pick up on that topic again.
  • amy carmay it rest in peace. On an italian search site this blog came up in the top slot!
  • sweaty ass problem – it’s never been a problem for me
  • drunk women get haircuts – a new reality show?
  • JOJO HOW OLD IS SHE – I’m not telling, but she’s been my beer slave for a long, long time. I guess Jojo is also some up-and-coming kid pop star. Just what we need.
  • drink shots get drunk – You’ve come to the right place, baby!
  • Fuck everyone poems – I’m going to have to look around for those myself.
  • 2th birthday game ideas – I’m sure among us we can come up with some good suggestions…
  • my college sex tour – That’s what I’m dong wrong! I’m not going to colleges and having sex!
  • peterbilt bumper chicken lights – for truckers who already have the flashing pink flamingos.
  • elk poop picture – I should have taken some better shots when I was in Yellowstone. Here’s the best I have.

Well! That’s quite a list and there’s lots more I left off. Of course there were the usual searches for culinary advice and squirrel violence, and many for bars, especially the tourist trap in Jackson Hole.

On a barely-related note, the SSDC episode was linked on some site called madville.com on Monday. Wow! by far my biggest day ever, but not one person left a comment.

Google me baby. Google me all night long.

This list was actually compiled over a longer period than my previous search engine episodes. I used something called “planning” and wrote down interesting (to me) search phrases as I encountered them. As usual, I reserve the right to use pig latin when I don’t want to change future search results.

  • lots of searches about blimps – hopefully they read the comments while they’re there, or they’ll miss out on BASSCAR and ISBA.
  • Mira Mesa Night life – I expect I come out high on the search because no one thought to mention “Mira Mesa” and “Night life” in the same sentence
  • Several searches related to sex, of course, the ones that stand out for me were x-ray beach pictures, butt pitchers, bison ass pictures and the best of all, what is a grilled cheese when it is talked about as sex term
  • bars across the western US, most frequently but not limited to Amsay’s Aceplay Akelay Ahoetay, illionmay ollarday owboycay arbay, uaulay arrylay’s and spenaay oungelay (how do you do pig latin when the sord starts with a vowel?)
  • HAPPY++2TH+++BIRTHDAY++++TO++++BABY – I doubt they found what they were looking for here.
  • ramblings about chicks – that, I have plenty of, another coming soonish
  • how to make a lombardi trophy – who cares? Anleystay upcay is etterbay.
  • various searches concerning squirrels and violence
  • “gravity hill” sagan – links to my Get Poor Quick category page as a result of the reusable space vehicle episode.
  • bowling balls darth vader – I’d like to hear any ideas you all might have for why someone would search on that.
  • “trumpet bells” picture – linked to the coaxial trumpet episode
  • sporstman who would take alcohol – that search seems to imply that there’s another kind

Of course, there were lots and lots of people looking for cooking advice. I get several people a day on that one, and this week someone finally left a note of appreciation over there. Hooray! Elevator ocelot rutabaga made a comeback, my name led someone here, as did a search on the single word “soonish”.

Googleicious!

  • pictures of nice cheap cars in orem utah – very specific, nothing to do with me.
  • buffalo milk shot catalina cacao – that’s the second hit on that recipie, so I went back and corrected it.
  • blimp races – this may have been an insider, who else would search on blimp races?
  • touring california in a winnebaggo – bad spelling meets pun
  • driving from san diego to bozeman – almost relevant!
  • czech girlfriend blog – I hope they enjoyed my homage to Marianna
  • “best trophy” sportsLord Stanley’s Cup, of course!
  • “wait to be seated” sign – pointed to the regularization episode
  • Pacific Solarium Homepage
  • every name on the stanley cup – I’d be interested in that, too
  • crazy license argeements – linked to my EULA episode, of course
  • megan smells – linked to my extremely important discussion about the proper use of perfume
  • pictures of graves – I have a few here, but I don’t know if the searcher found them
  • Pictures drawn of trumpets – linked to my old coaxial trumpet get-poor-quick scheme

As usual there are tons of people looking for cooking advice. It doean’t appear to be the same people over and over, at least not on the same day, and why would someone come back repeatedly and read only that entry? All I can figure is that there is a real demand for assistance with chicken ova and for some reason I’m coming up higher in the search results. I need to rant about improperly prepared dishes more often. People came to my page for searches on four different bars, from Wyoming to San Diego.

Googling for Goggles

For those of you new to this game, every once in a while I look back at the search phrases that have brought people to this place in the last couple of days. Occasionally in the list I will use pig latin to make sure that subsequent searches still go to the correct article, rather than coming here. On with the show!

  • regularization – found by the Korean Google; nestled among all the mathematics is my discussion of bars.
  • urinate in public pictures – ugh. I don’t really think they were looking for a description of me walking the dogs.
  • In the last day, people have found me while searching for three different bars. I won’t name them here to prevent future search confusion
  • beach girls – I was on the 27th page of the search results, but after going that far someone clicked me
  • beach bar – once again deep, deep in the results
  • beach pictures girls – the moral of the story here is to mention the word “beach” and the words “babes” and “girls” often
  • weblog babes – as of this writing, my place has been usurped by Dr. Pants
  • ocean beach happy hour – bar related but worth noting
  • a pair of brown eyes – using the title of a folk song for a blog episode has its advantages
  • serbian beers – links to my two beers episode
  • goodbye poem to coworker – really doubt they found what they were looking for here, unless the coworker likes Scotch.

It’s worth noting that all the “beach babe” searches came from different places. As usual, there have been in the last two days many people looking for cooking advice. No squirrel searches, though, and La Dolce Vida has vanished from the Google Consciousness. X-ray gogs brought two hits yesterday.

Google ’till it hurts

For those new to my blog, this is a semi-regular feature. When there have been some interesting searches that led people to this site, I like to share them with you. Sometimes I put the search words in pig latin so that future searches will continue to go to the correct entry.

  • duranceengay eargay – came up fifth in a google search and led to the episode about my pants. There might be a business opportunity there.
  • sex words – led to my episode “Sex, Death, and Words “. Someone went through several pages of search results and then chose my blog. I wonder what they were looking for.
  • bachelorette party ideas for the pregnant bride – I came up 13th for that phrase on yahoo. Most of the words matched one of my episodes from the Cannery in Bozeman
  • Great Googly Moogly – linked to another episode like this one
  • weblog sailing
  • “Nick Cave” “Her Long Black Hair”
  • cowboy bar
  • write a novel in a month
  • illionmay ollarday owboycay arbay acksonjay olehay – fourth in Google search (The first two are the bar’s official Web site). My review is probably not too good for their business.

Of course there were also the usual squirrel, x-ray, and Dolce Vida hits. Egg cooking is still a very popular topic, but I can’t tell if my culinary advice has changed anyone’s life.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

I’m getting tons of google hits by people looking up how to properly prepare their chicken ova. (I’m avoiding sayiing the actual phrase because I want them to get the right entry when they do the search. That is now the most commonly visited page besides this main one.) I also got a hit for Suicide Wings this morning.

Speaking of cooking episodes, I could have sworn I wrote an entry about stir-fry, but now I can’t find it. Anyone remember a stir-fry episode? It would have been when I was in Vanderhoof. I had a disappointing stir-fry there, washed down with and overpriced Warsteiner.

Other noteworthy search engine hits in the last few days (pig latin used where I don’t want to skew future search results):

  • how do x-ray gogs work
  • suicide squirrels
  • am-says ace-play ake-lay ahoe-tay (that one’s been coming up fairly often recently)
  • Escape Velocity SPACESHIPONE
  • “animal crossing” picture “wood paneling” (I’m not sure what they were looking for, but I doubt they found it here)
  • “the elements of style” edmonton
  • Being unemployed sucks
  • hockey dog name