Dropbox Just Saved My Ass

I’ve been a big fan of Dropbox ever since my brother used them to share files with me for postproduction on some film or other. To summarize: Dropbox is totally sweet.

I keep all my writing in my Dropbox folder, so it’s automatically up-to-date no matter which keyboard I’m typing on at the moment. Save it on one computer, it’s updated on all the rest. Not too shabby.

This evening I opened up one of my stories, and it was not all there. In Jer’s Novel Writer, it’s possible to save just a part of your story. For Allison, I export each episode as XHTML for simple(r) transfer to the blog. It works pretty well.

One thing about the export feature: It’s possible to export a part of your story and replace the file with the entire story. I’ve made this really difficult to do, with messages that read something like “Are you totally high?” and the default response “No, I’m just confused. Don’t overwrite my master file.”

Yet, today, I opened the master Allison file and found just the last episode. The definitive versions of all previous episodes are here in the blog, but there were half a dozen episodes stretching far into the future that were gone. Lost in a puff of ones and zeroes. I hadn’t even intended to export the chapter in that format, let alone overwrite the master. Yet somehow I had.

I gaped at the file, thinking about the chapters I’d lost. Fencing club! Holy crap! Seiji’s torment turned up to eleven. The destruction of a city. A killer robot in the hot springs. Poof. Gone. How did I do that?

But then there’s the other part of Dropbox. The part that remembers all versions of all your files for the last 30 days. For free. I pointed my browser to my home base and moments later my spectacular brain fart was erased. My file is back, only it turns out I haven’t written the killer robot in the hot springs episode yet.

Time Flies

Tonight I’m being served beers by someone named after Disney’s Little Mermaid.

Yep.

The End of Signs

I’ve written a couple of episodes as I made my way through the first installment of a fantasy story called Legacy of the Stone Harp by James G. Anderson & Mark Sebanc. For closure, I thought I’d record my impressions now that I’ve completed the first volume.

I won’t be reading the second. Through the course of the first book I was sustained by intellectual curiosity: How many fantasy standards will they pack in? Will there ever be a meaningful female character? And most of all, How egregious a cliffhanger will the book end with? (For those new to these pages, I have a peeve about buying something that claims to have a story inside, yet actually only contains a fragment. I think most fantasy authors have completely lost the ability to create substories that fit within the larger arcs of their epics, and thus make the individual volumes of the series into enjoyable reads.)

Let’s look at how The Stoneholding: volume one of The Stone Harp performed on that last criterion.

In fact… not bad. There was actually a feeling at the end of the book that an important phase of the quest had been concluded, and a new phase would soon begin. The authors did a way better job of this than most fantasy writers do these days. So, credit where credit is due.

Except… actually the story reaches that point quite a bit before the book runs out of pages. We spend the last few tiresome chapters touring around the underground kingdom of the people of the hammer — a race of people who are shorter than surface-dwellers, renowned for their abilities as blacksmiths, and who are most decidedly not Tolkien’s dwarves. Really. How could anyone think that?

OK, everyone would think that. If you’re going to put Standard Fantasy Dwarves in your story, you may as well label them correctly. SFD’s are SFD’s, after all. Making them slender doesn’t change things. One temptation for me to carry on with the story: Who will they meet when they go into the forest in the next volume? I’m guessing SFE’s and the satisfaction of being right almost makes the toil worth it. But not quite.

Nearing the end of the book, having had more than enough of the guided tour of the dwarf kingdom, I found it difficult to finish out. On the last night I sat back in bed and sighed audibly before picking up the book. Only a few more pages to go. My sweetie chuckled. I picked up the book and dragged myself through the last pages, curiosity about the way it ended being my only fuel. If only the characters would stop being so stupid.

Note: if you use the above link to buy this book (or a Kindle, or a new car), I get a kickback.

As a very long addendum I’ll attach to this episode my take on the score this story has racked up (so far) in the Fantasy Novelist’s Exam. That there hasn’t been a significant female character yet means that many of the questions remain open. Still, it’s a pretty damn impressive showing, pushing the cliché-o-meter right through the red and into the magenta.

Note: Those who created this exam suggested that if you answer yes to any of these questions you pitch in the novel and start over. I think this story is hovering in the 15-18 range right now.

  1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
    Actually more happened in the first fifty pages than the following 200
  2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
    Yes, and his best friend is one, too!
  3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn’t know it?
    Yes
  4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
    I think it’s safe to assume that’s how this will play out
  5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
    The artifact is a sacred flame, but yes.
  6. How about one that will destroy it?
    Why, there’s another artifact that, in the wrong hands…
  7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about “The One” who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
    Yep.
  8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
    I’m going to say ‘no’ on this one, until more characters actually show up
  9. Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
    No.
  10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
    Probably not. I suspect there’s a bad guy behind the obvious bad guy, though.
  11. Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
    No. The guy that was duped was the son of the local ruler.
  12. Does “a forgetful wizard” describe any of the characters in your novel?
    I think ‘incompetent’ is closer to the truth
  13. How about “a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior”?
    Not yet.
  14. How about “a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons”?
    Oh, yes.
  15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
    We’re still waiting for a significant female character.
  16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
    So far, no.
  17. Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
    Absolutely not!
  18. Would “a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword” aptly describe any of your female characters?
    There are peripheral characters who are like this
  19. Would “a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan” aptly describe any of your female characters?
    There’s always hope for the next installment
  20. Is any character in your novel best described as “a dour dwarf”?
    For the most part the pseudo-dwarves are a cheerful bunch, to the point where this particular batch embidies a flawless society where everyone is happy.
  21. How about “a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage”?
    I’d put money on pseudo-elves arriving later in the story (maybe they’re the ninjas!) but we haven’t seen them yet.
  22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
    So many questions that would require reading the whole damn thing to find out.
  23. Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
    No.
  24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
    Landlocked so far, but there are oceans on the map.
  25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
    I’m not sure, but I’d guess that this highland culture is a little more realistic than most.
  26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like “The Blasted Lands” or “The Forest of Fear” or “The Desert of Desolation” or absolutely anything “of Doom”?
    Three maps with silly names, no ‘of Doom’
  27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you’ve read the entire book, if even then?
    We’ll see. Much is unexplained
  28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
    At the rate they’re going, I’d be amazed if they wrapped this up in three volumes.
  29. How about a quintet or a decalogue?
    That’s more like it
  30. Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
    It would be if it were bound in one volume
  31. Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you’re still many sequels away from finishing your “story”?
    I get that feeling, indeed.
  32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
    Not that I’m aware of.
  33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
    They aspire to that title, I guarantee.
  34. Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
    I’m going to have to guess no. Otherwise they would have introduced more characters by now.
  35. Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
    Happily, no.
  36. Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
    Not yet. We’ll see when they finally start their quest.
  37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
    They do, but it’s an ethnic thing and they all go by nicknames, so it’s not obnoxious
  38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named “Tim Umber” and “Belthusalanthalus al’Grinsok”?
    The authors seem pretty consitent on this score.
  39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
    The dwarves are renamed, and we’ve seen hints of ninjas.
  40. How about “orken” or “dwerrows”?
    No
  41. Do you have a race prefixed by “half-“?
    No
  42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
    They’re mysterious forbidden caves, that lead to a dwarven city. So, yep.
  43. Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
    Doesn’t feel like it. More would happen if they did.
  44. Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
    I’m guessing no.
  45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
    Wizads of the Coast would not want this.
  46. Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
    So far the only tavern was for a kidnapping.
  47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don’t?
    I have no problem with that aspect of the story.
  48. Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
    I suspect they will – they’ve taken long enough just to get started.
  49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won’t break the plot?
    Yes, absolutely.
  50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as “fireball” or “lightning bolt”?
    No. A lot of the magic centers around music, which is pretty cool.
  51. Do you ever use the term “mana” in your novel?
    No
  52. Do you ever use the term “plate mail” in your novel?
    I’ve seen references to armor, but not that phrase
  53. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term “hit points” in your novel?
    No
  54. Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
    I wonder. Is the golden harp supposed to be solid gold? If so, it would weigh a ton.
  55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
    I was not sorry to see Star Thistle exit the story; he seemed to exist solely so the authors could gush about how goddam wonderful he was. But at least he got winded.
  56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
    Not yet.
  57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
    There’s a magic sword that glows lurking in the plot somewhere – but the guy last known to have it hasn’t bothered mentioning it to anyone else. Odd. I doubt it would return if thrown, however.
  58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
    No.
  59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
    Not yet.
  60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
    No.
  61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
    I probably won’t read far enough to find out.
  62. Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
    No.
  63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
    Don’t know yet, but things seem to be setting up that way.
  64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
    Only if the arrow is carefully aimed to be nonlethal – which our two boys can do.
  65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an “on the road” meal?
    We’ll see when they finally get on the road
  66. Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
    No.
  67. Do you think that “mead” is just a fancy name for “beer”?
    The dwarves make mead, and it’s actually mead.
  68. Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
    And one ethnically-endowed skill.
  69. Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves’ guild?
    No.
  70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
    I’m thinking… yes.
  71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
    The main character is a bard. He’s adequate in battle, however.
  72. Is “common” the official language of your world?
    No. One of the good guy’s advantages is understanding different languages.
  73. Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
    The jury’s still out on this one.
  74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
    Pretty much.
  75. Read that question again and answer truthfully.
    It’s really not good enough for the comparison.

Beer Blogging Thursday!

If you were to look back over my episodes for the last few weeks, you might notice a trend. Thursday seems to be a good day as far as productivity goes. Why is this?

Well, as you might guess by the title of this episode, there is a nascent tradition here at MR&HBI — Beer Blogging Thursday. Rather than go straight home from work, I take a detour for a couple of hours to a local sports bar and knock out a couple of episodes. I’m shooting for a new installment of serial fiction every other week, along with the usual blather.

At this very moment, I’m taking a little break from work and thinking about what I’ll be producing this evening. Two short book reviews, for sure (one a wrap-up of my thoughts on that damn epic I mentioned previously, the other a review of a novel by an undisputed master). I’ll take some time out after those to play with Allison a bit, but unless a miracle happens you won’t see the fruits of that labor until next week. Later tonight there might be some commentary on hockey, as well. Who knows?

I know there were several other things I had planned to tackle today, but at the moment I can’t think of them. I probably won’t publish all my output today, but instead spread it out over a few days.

1

A Few of My Favorite Spams

There’s a part of this blog that you, my dear readers, do not get to enjoy. Only about one tenth of one percent of the spam contents get through to the viewing public, and I try to be quick about getting rid of them. The other dozens of spam that get filtered out before they are posted are for my pleasure alone.

Hundreds of other spam comments don’t even make it to that list each day, but are filtered out and chucked unceremoniously into the void (Note to self: digital afterlife.). It’s quite possible that five thousand comments are blocked for each that gets through.

Sometimes I’m tempted to defang particularly choice slices of spam and let you folks enjoy them too. Often the spam comment is funny on its own, while others gain extra funny points from context. For instance, one that says “It’s hard to find knowledgeable people on this topic, but you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks” gives me a chuckle when it’s attached to the Suicide Squirrel Alert Broadcasting episode.

A few recent standalones:

  • Irony Department: I appreciate that you place excellent content out that is fine and good-written.
  • Another Sort of Irony: Great post however you should try and getrid of all this spam comments.
  • Gibberish Department: A person essentially help to make seriously posts I would state. This is the very first time I frequented your web page and thus far? I surprised with the research you made to create this particular publish incredible. Excellent job!
  • Odd Synonym Department: Suited post! this will midpoint sustain me.
  • Odd Synonym Department 2: Hey may I notification some of the word from this blog if I relation back to you?
  • Proof That Robots Don’t Have a Sense of Aesthetics Department: Amazing blog layout here. Was it hard creating a nice looking website like this?
  • Accidentally in the Spirit of the Blog Department: Man if i ever saw two racoons fighting over a blogs itd be this one, nicely done my friend. Keep it up.
  • Inscrutable Department: Unknown message
  • Robot Problems Department:I truly enjoyed %BLOGTITLE%. Unfortunately, trash is a major problem in the united kingdom today.

Sometimes, context is everything:

  • This really answered my problem, thank you! – on the episode titled All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku
  • This is a really good read for me, Must admit that you are one of the best bloggers I ever saw.Thanks for posting this informative article. – on the page titled Suicide Squirrel Alert Broadcast System
  • i came to dance dance dance, i hit the floor cause that’s my plans plans plans – on a review of In Cold Blood.
  • this is what it is all about man i would kiss you right now for posting this thanks! – on a post about very bad wine.

As a final note I have to say that some of the spam is actually informative. Did you know they were still making the Zune? I certainly wouldn’t have known that if it weren’t for spam.

1

AiA – White Shadow: Episode 16

Our story so far: Allison has never seen an anime in her life, but now she finds herself in that Japan. On top of that, she’s a transfer student. Had she ever seen anime, she’d know that transfer students always bring confusion, suffering, and destruction on an epic scale.

Her classmates are adjusting to the certainty that the school, and probably the entire town, will be destroyed. That’s how it is with transfer students. Is Allison a demon or an escaped lab experiment? A killer robot, perhaps? In the end it doesn’t matter. She’s a transfer student.

Meanwhile, there’s a deadly computer virus on the loose. By a remarkable coincidence (yeah, right), it seems that Allison is not merely good with computers, she is a talent without peer. It has fallen on her to stop White Shadow and rescue her friends from the Institute.

However, rather than stop White Shadow, Allison has taken control of it, and the incredible power it carries.

This episode may be even more confusing than most (which is saying something), as I’m trying to reconnect with a couple of characters. If you would like to read from the beginning, the entire story is here.

Allison reached out with her new her awareness. On the other side of the heavy front door stood a woman, alone.

You said you would not surrender to them if I gave myself to you! White Shadow’s voice in her head sounded like her own, now.

“No. I said I would not destroy you.”

This woman is dangerous.

“Yes.” Allison said. To her expanded perception there were many women out there, yet only one. Different possibilities played through time, making their mark on the present. The woman wore a t-shirt and jeans, then moments later she was in black leather, then a slinky evening gown with her black hair cascading over one eye. Always her eyes were hard as diamonds.

Allison opened the door to find the woman in a perfectly-pressed military uniform, complete with short, tight olive skirt and shiny black pumps. Time expanded and contracted, as if the universe were breathing, and Allison couldn’t shake the feeling that they had met before — though perhaps it had not happened yet. Allison touched the river of information that flowed around her and tried to sort through it all, flying at light-speed through countless databases, hoping to learn more about the woman standing in front of her. She found… nothing. A palpable nothing, a measurable hole in universe where the woman should have been.

“My name is Lancia,” the woman said, assessing Allison frankly. She didn’t look impressed with what she saw.

“I am Allison.”

“Yes. You will come with me.”

“To the Institute?”

The woman’s eyes narrowed as her smile widened. “Of course. There are some old fools there who are quite eager to make your acquaintance.”

“They want to kill me.”

The woman shrugged. “Not if they think they can use you.”

“And you? Do you want to kill me?”

“If I wanted you dead, you would be.”

“What do you want, then?”

The woman paused before answering. “You have something that belongs to me.”

White Shadow is mine, now.

It didn’t feel as if she had spoken aloud, but Lancia laughed softy. “So I see. Think of me as… your mother-in-law. I only want what’s best for my progeny.”

“You created White Shadow?”

“As much as anyone did.” Lancia took a step back from the door. “Shall we?”

Allison touched the communications system of the soldiers outside the house, instantly knowing all they said, all they thought. “There’s a sharpshooter,” she said. “His orders come from someone else.”

“Takenawa?” Lancia asked. Allison nodded. Lancia brought a small walkie-talkie to her mouth and said, “Blue-26.” She didn’t wait for an answer.

Allison felt the shift in the configuration of the men outside. “Ok,” she said, “it’s clear.”

Lancia turned and Allison stepped to follow, only to be brought up short. Between the two women and the cordon at the perimeter of Seiji’s front garden stood three men, bald, dressed in draping orange robes, one very tall, one very short, and between them one of medium height. Allison blinked to confirm they were there. To her new senses, they were completely invisible.

The tall monk laughed, a withered, breathy sound that ended with a wheeze. “Numbers,” he said.

“Too damn many of them,” the middle monk said.

“More than you can count,” the short monk said. He pointed to the communication device that Lancia still held. “Is that an abacus?”

“No,” Lancia said. “This is a restricted area. You are ordered to leave.” She started walking again.

The monks laughed. “Restricted!” the tall one said.

“Area!” The short monk howled, redoubling his laughter.

“Yes it is,” the medium monk said, pointing to Lancia’s comm.

“Is what?” Lancia asked, stopping again.

“An abacus.”

“That’s right!” Allison said, excited to understand the metaphor for once. “It’s an abacus and a radio. A digital computing device and a wireless connection. That’s all.”

The monks abruptly lost all cheer and stared at Allison with hard faces. She swallowed and shied back a half-step. “I mean…”

The tall one spoke, his voice gruff. “That’s all, she says.”

“An abacus,” the short monk grumbled, rolling his eyes.

The medium monk closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose. He regained his good humor. “Abacus is power,” he said, winking at her.

“Abacus is life,” the short monk said.

“Abacus is death,” the tall monk intoned.

The monks laughed. “But you know that,” the short monk said. “You are abacus.”

“But she doesn’t count!” the tall monk said. His grin was missing several teeth.

Others count on her,” the short monk said.

“Let’s go,” Lancia said. “These idiots are giving me a headache.”

“It’s not the idiots,” the short monk said.

“It’s what they say!” the middle monk roared. The three laughed heartily and walked away, passing jokes between themselves that Allison could not make out.

“Come on,” Lancia said, snapping Allison’s attention back to the here and now. “Let’s get out of here before the world ends.”

Kaneda woke to the patient rush of waves. He opened his eyes and held up his hand to block the bright sun.

Hello, Kaneda.

“Wh–where am I?”

Where do you want to be?

The sun was warm on his skin. Somewhere nearby he heard the excited squeals of girls playing on the beach. They would be pretty, he was certain. “This is all right,” he said.

Who do you want to be?

“What do you mean? Who are you?”

A shadow fell across his face. He looked up at the girl who had eclipsed the sun. She looked like… “Misumi Mountains!” he exclaimed. He sat up abruptly and twisted to look at the pop star who was standing beside him. Her hands were clasped in front of her. Her tiny bikini did nothing to hide her remarkable, gravity-defying breasts.

“Yes,” she said. Was that a blush coloring her pale cheeks? “It is a pleasure to meet you.”

“You are more beautiful in person than even on TV!” Kaneda blurted out. He struggled to gain control of his racing heart.

She smiled shyly. “You are too kind.”

Shit shit shit! Don’t blow this, you idiot! “I’m sorry! I was forward!”

She laughed. “You’re sweet. I wonder… may I ask you a favor?” Her eyes were huge and round.

“Anything,” Kaneda choked out, and he meant it.

She knelt in front of him and handed him a bottle of lotion. She turned her back and with a long, slow pull untied the lower string of her bikini top. “Can you put lotion on my back?”

Kaneda’s hands shook so badly he had difficulty opening the bottle of tanning oil. The bottle slipped from his fingers as he squeezed out a portion, landing in the sand with a soft thud, much quieter than the sounds his heart was making. His nose began to bleed. Her skin was soft and flawless, warm under his fingers.

“Your hands are so strong,” Misumi Mountains said as he began to rub the lotion into her skin. Kaneda reminded himself to breathe, wondered if his heart was about to explode. “I could stay like this forever,” she said.

“For… ever,” Kaneda echoed.

Tasuki exercised in the blackness of her cell, alternating between sets of push-ups and lunges. Her body knew the dimensions of her confinement exactly now; she could push off from one dank stone wall and stop herself perfectly on the opposite one.

She was gasping for air, her muscles burned, her heart hammered in her chest, but it was still not enough to stop the voices.

You were the fastest, before the transfer student came.

Kouta was beginning to notice you, before the transfer student came.

You are second. The transfer student will always be first.

Ruchia was your best friend, before the transfer student came.

The last was the most painful. But what can you do? That’s just how transfer students are. And she was never going to meet someone nicer than Allison.

She can afford to be nice. She has everything.

“No…” Tasuki ran circuits of the room as fast as she could, until her feet were pushing against the wall rather than the floor. She looped around the room, faster and faster, climbing higher and higher on the wall. “Allison… did… not… choose… to… be… that… way!” she said with ragged breath.

That doesn’t change anything. The transfer student has taken everything.

No!

You know it’s true.

There was no arguing with the voice. It was right. She ran harder.

Faster, higher, until her foot landed on… nothing. She cried out as her other leg buckled and she hit the wall hard, stars dancing in her eyes as her head glanced off the roughly-hewn stone — and skidded over the top.

Desperate fingers slipped over the sweating stone as she rolled over the top of the wall and fell into the nothingness beyond.

Then, there was nothing but wind.

“Please, Seiji, help us. Help me.”

With every passing moment the woman interrogating him looked more like the pictures he’d seen of his mother. Seiji swallowed and looked into her eyes, trying not to think about how she had pressed his hand to her chest. “I… I…”

“You are concerned for your friend. That’s very noble of you.”

“It’s not that she’s my friend…” Seiji struggled to find the words to express his relationship with Allison. “She’s a transfer student.”

His interrogator nodded, smiling sympathetically. “It’s never simple, with them.”

“It’s just that… that… there has to be someone. The one.”

She nodded. “There always is.”

Seiji raised his hand abruptly, but his gesture was cut short by the manacle that connected him to his cold metal chair. “Exactly!” Too late he realized he’d broken contact with the silk of his interrogator’s blouse.

“And you want to be that someone.”

“What? Are you stupid?! No!”

The interrogator cocked her head. “Really?”

“Oh, jeez, not you, too! Do you understand the special type of hell the Friend of the Transfer Student goes through? It’s not an ordinary hell of pain and suffering, though there’s plenty of that. It’s the humiliation.”

She smiled. “I see. You are a brash denier.”

WHAT? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! I’m not the one! Kaneda is! He’s seen her underwear!” Instantly Seiji felt sick. Good guys didn’t sell out their friends. Ever. “I mean, did I say Kaneda? I meant Kenzo. Kenzo is the one.”

His interrogator tried without success to hide her surprise. “Kenzo’s back?”

“Apparently. He picked up her books for her on the first day of school.”

“Interesting. And you think that makes him the one?”

“Obviously.”

“The One never chooses to be The One.”

“Yeah, well, I chose long ago not to be the one.”

The woman broke eye contact and looked modestly at the table top. “Your father is a great man.”

Seiji worked to follow the sudden turn in the conversation. “My… wha?”

“Your father. I admire him greatly. Sometimes…” she turned away, blushing. “Sometimes I imagine he is my father.” She turned back to him, her cheeks filled with color. “But then I would be your sister. That would be a awkward, wouldn’t it?”

“…” Seiji struggled for words.

“Your father says I remind him of your mother. That’s not a problem, is it? You wouldn’t feel weird if we… kissed?” Before Seiji could frame an answer she rose and leaned across the table. Her skin was cool and perfect as she brushed her lips against his. Her hand shook slightly as she brushed it across his cheek. “Seiji,” she sighed. In her breath he smelled heaven.

Seiji’s heart was playing his ribs like the xylophone. He was about to pass out but couldn’t inhale.

She bowed her head, her raven hair cascading over his cheeks in luminous waves to conceal her face. “Seiji.” Her voice was barely audible, even this close. “Choose me.”

The blood rushed from his head and went southward, leaving his vision blurred by desire. He wanted to choose her, wanted with all his heart. Or at least with all his dick. “I…” he said. She waited. “I choose…” He was almost there. Just one more word, and he would be free of the transfer student forever. “I choose y—”

An explosion rocked the building, and the lights went out.

In the confusion that followed he thought he heard her say, “Remember your choice, Seiji. My name is Lancia.”

Ruchia walked softly down the center of the deserted street. On either side of her buildings rose, gaping with empty, stupid eyes. Nothing moved; even the newspapers drifted up against the derelict walls lay limp and untouched by any breeze. The click of her heels on the pavement was the only sound.

“Hello?” she asked. “Is there anyone here?” Her timid voice did not carry far.

Motion in the corner of her eye. She wheeled and found a familiar face in an abandoned storefront. “K—”

Kenzo was in front of her now, his finger on her lips. He shook his head. She could drown in those deep violet eyes. He leaned closer. He smelled violet, a beguiling scent that almost made Ruchia forget her own name. “They don’t know I’m here,” he whispered.

“Why…?” Ruchia was having difficulty putting sentences together.

Kenzo laughed silently. “I like explosions,” he said.

The shock wave crashed over her and she took refuge in the tall boy’s arms. She felt the heat of the blast, felt fragments of glass cut into her skin, but she knew that Kenzo would protect her.

Allison hurried to keep up with Lancia as they walked to the waiting helicopter. Lancia faltered for a moment and then increased her pace. “There’s trouble,” she said.

“At the institute?” Allison could see the building on its hilltop at the center of town. It pulsed red with frantic communications.

“Of course. The four horsemen of the moronocalypse have decided to be decisive for once in their lives.” She jumped through the sliding door in the side of the helicopter and turned to grab Allison’s arm to help her aboard. The engine was already winding up and the skids were skittering across the ground as she hauled Allison into the belly of the helicopter. A uniformed soldier slammed the door closed as they rose from the pavement.

“Where’s the fire?” Lancia asked.

Allison realized the woman was looking at her, as if she would know the answer.

And she did. “Detention block C,” Allison said.

Lancia nodded and grabbed the headset off the copilot. She held it to her ear and began barking a string of orders.

I could change those orders, she realized. It was as if all the data in the world passed through her, as if it was her blood.

Wait, White Shadow counseled. She wants you to reveal yourself.

Lancia shot a glance over to Allison, her eyes narrowed, her lips tight. After a long second she returned her attention to her unseen minions at the institute.

The institute is divided, White Shadow said. Or was that her own thought? We shall destroy them.

1

Feedback for God’s Entry in the Hyperspace Open

Score:
Structure: 21
Life Forms: 16
Style: 21
Originality: 23
Total score: 81

A very interesting universe. Your concepts of ‘gravity’ and ‘light’ really added a fresh twist to the old Big Bang style of universe. Generally universes unfold better without direct intervention from the creator, but in this case the miracles are done with a delicate touch and seem to work. But to what purpose? To create a whole ‘planet’ full of beings that seem to serve no purpose other than to slaughter each other comes off as cruel. The ending feels anticlimatic, with the entire universe slowly dispersing into nothingness. Increasing the ‘gravitational constant’ so the universe collapses back into itself at the end would have provided a good feeling of closure.

Holy Hell what does it take to get a competent judge around here? Were they even looking at the same universe?

Cruel? I guarantee that no one else in this contest came up with a natural order that gave rise to an intelligence like that. Their struggle to overcome their animal instincts is the whole point. I don’t know how I could have made that any more obvious. How could the judges not get that?

And not everyone wants their universe to end with an explosion. I mean, come on, aren’t we tired of that by now? As the energy-people fade away one by one, until the last intelligence in the universe drifts into a dreamless sleep — that’s gold right there. Or maybe they thought that was cruel, too.

I’d like to see any of these so-called judges make a universe even half as good at this one. I guess I should have known what to expect, though; after all if they were as talented as I am they wouldn’t need a job judging a contest.

My universe is perfect! Flawless! I mean, for starters, just look at the way the physical laws work together. All my friends agree with me! Anyone who can’t see that is obviously not worthy to view my masterpiece in the first place.

4

Cyberspace Open: My Feedback

Although the organizers never sent me my final score and feedback, I was able to go hunt it down on their Web site.

First reaction: My score is higher this time! Hooray!
Second reaction: The average score is higher this time, too. Awww…

Still, I think I moved up in comparison to the average, so that’s nice. The prompt this time was to write dialog with subtext – the characters seem to be talking about one thing, but actually they were discussing something else altogether. My entry is here.

This is the feedback I got:

Very interesting take on the scene prompt. Tons of energy, strong tension level. Good job of putting us on edge and keeping us there. Dialogue could have used a little more punch though, as it really seemed to be the characters talking about the wrong things more so than talking about the right things through subtext. But still, a pretty solid bit of work with great energy.

Overall, I’ll take that. I can see ways to improve the scene now; Mrs. Simms should be there yammering into Helen’s ear about Scooter’s sins just to make her even more frazzled, and to get the conversation onto Scooter’s behavior more naturally. I considered and discarded a couple of lines intended solely to leave absolutely no doubt that it was not Scooter’s behavior that angered Helen, but in the end I thought it was pretty obvious. Reading back now, maybe a line about Scooter running off and getting in trouble would have tied things together nicely without being too overt. Something like “How do I know he won’t be off chasing rabbits when I need him?” after which Jake struggles to apologize for his own misdeeds while keeping the conversation about Scooter. It could have anchored the subtext, and might even have been funny.

Overall, then, I think the criticism is fair, and “Tons of engery” is the kind of phrase I can live with.

The prompt for round two is already out but I’ve only glanced at it. Not getting my score for round one kind of pushed the whole event onto the back burner, and this has been a crazy-busy weekend already. I’ll still take a shot at it, probably pulling characters from Quest for the Important Thing to Defeat the Evil Guy to get it done with less time devoted to character development.

2

Move Complete!

It seems fitting that on Road Trip Day (7.000 on the Muddled Calendar — good golly how time flies) that this site should also find itself at a new home. The journey was not without some bumps and a lot of emails to the tech support team at GreenGeeks. Things seem to be running smoothly today, though, with a one hitch on the back side that should not affect you, the faithful readers.

One thing for sure: the site loads a hell of a lot faster now, and there are still things I can do to make it better yet. Average load time is about 10% of what it was before. That is unbelievably huge.

I’ll be posting a pretty darn geeky episode once I get the last issues ironed out, for people looking for answers to the same questions I had. In the meantime:

Elevator Ocelot Rutabaga, everyone!

1

Quick! Vote for Harlean and Me!

Pinup Lifestyle is a Web community devoted to, well, the pinup lifestyle. Every month they have a contest in which pros and amateurs alike compete for fabulous prizes. Harlean Carpenter (who is a fiction) and I make a habit of entering, and while we haven’t won we certainly separate ourselves from the amateur crowd. As I master the new lights, perhaps we’ll even threaten the pro bunch. We’ll see.

Director's Cut

Director's Cut - Harlean Carpenter photographed by Jerry Seeger

One thing that distinguishes the pictures Harlean (who is a fiction) and I make is that they are not simple glam shots. (Fixed typo: clam). We always try to tell a story with the setting and the makeup and the pose and all of that. I’ve discovered recently that it’s quite possible to have a technically excellent photo that does not say a thousand words. We try not to fall into that trap. Perhaps it’s not for me to judge whether we succeed, but I think out photos stand out that way.

So head on over and vote for us! (The Wildfire site is currently not Safari-friendly, unfortunately.) There are a ton of entries this time, so hang out and find worthy recipients for you other four votes as well. There’s some pretty good work over there. Almost as good as ours!

5

Anybody need a Web Host?

I’ve ponied up for a web service that is WAY more that I need. The type of account is intended for resellers – most people who buy this much server turn around and sell web hosting accounts to small clients.

There are two configurations for the account: bare server and bells & whistles. The bells & whistles option costs a little bit more, but would save me hassles. (No need to manually configure httpd.conf, for instance.) The bells & whistles option also makes it really simple for me to set up you guys out there as “customers”.

So, here’s what I’m thinking: If I can get three people interested in paying me $5 a month for Web hosting, I can pay for the bell & whistles and save myself some hassle moving this site over to its new home.

For $5 a month you get:

  1. Way, way, less crowded server than you would get anywhere else even for four times that much money.
  2. Confidence that I will never let the server get bogged down, since the whole reason I’m paying for the thing is so my site won’t get bogged down
  3. Personal service. You know the guy in charge. I’m more than happy to help my friends through getting set up and all that stuff. It’s a level of service I’m only able to do because I’m limiting the number of people I let onto the server.
  4. My Web provider (and soon yours!) is about as as green as they come. Say no to carbon!
  5. The satisfaction of knowing that your money is helping a small collective of folks sharing a server rather than feeding a big corporation.
  6. I am also now an official enom reseller, which means I can take care of your domain registration for a rate only a little higher than GoDaddy. For the extra money you get… um… There must be something…

Anybody interested? Let me know now, before I go ahead and move this site over the hard way!

Cyberspace Open Winner List is In!

And… once more I’m on the outside looking in.

I do recognize at least one name on the list of winners, however: Congratulations, fuego! 96 points! Not too shabby at all. Later I’ll be scanning the list more carefully for other names I might recognize from the comments here.

When I get my individual feedback I’ll share it here, of course, and I’ll still write to the round two prompt on Road Trip Day.

Congratulations to all the finalists!

2

And the winner is…

Were it not for a recent comment, I would have forgotten that today is the deadline for the organizers of the Cyberspace Open to announce the entrants who proved with grace and skill that they deserve to move on to the second round.

So when an email from them arrived today, I was excited. There are certainly things to improve about my entry, but overall I think it’s pretty solid (I felt that way before, too, so grains of salt are called for). I looked forward to getting some feedback, even if it was just a rushed paragraph. I opened the email and found… advertising. They wanted me to subscribe to their magazine. Note to Creative Screenwriting: That’s not how you win friends.

Once more the contestants, who hit their deadline or were disqualified, wait for the organizers, who have had a hell of a time returning the favor. You know what would be a total win-win? Creative Screenwriting should outsource the contest to people who could give it the attention it deserves.

Whether or not the judges say I have earned round two, I’ll be writing to the prompt. Theoretically, round two is the first weekend in April. I hope it is; I have a good feeling about writing a scene on Road Trip Day.

2

AiA – White Shadow: Episode 15

Our story so far: Allison is an American high-school student who has transferred to a private prep school in Japan. Her classmates are far more interested in figuring out whether she’s a demon or a killer robot than they are pursuing their studies. This is not the Japan our heroine expected.

No, Allison finds herself in the Japan of anime, and if there’s one rule in every cartoon to make its way across the pacific, it’s that transfer students bring with them untold destruction.

It’s not Allison’s fault, however, that there’s a killer computer virus on the loose. It turns out that she’s pretty damn good with computers, but then again lots of kids her age are. Somehow, though, the virus has chosen Allison as the one to make it complete. How could it not choose the transfer student?

Or is it her fault after all? it seems like White Shadow may be responsible for her transfer in the first place.

Anyway, Several of Allison’s friends have been infected by White Shadow and dragged away to The Institute. The Institute is also very interested in bringing Allison in, or at least killing her.

If you would like to read from the beginning, the entire story is here.

Seiji shuffled down the hallway, following Kaneda, the only sound to reach his ears the jingling of the chains that bound the two of them. Each was flanked by a large person in a heavy rubber suit. Another rubber man led the way, while a fourth followed behind. The hallway stretched for what seemed like miles, plain white, unbroken by doors or side passages. The floor was cushioned and absorbed the sound of their footsteps, as if to deny they had ever been there, ever even existed.

They walked, stepping in unison, Seiji staring resolutely at the taller boy’s back.

Seiji nearly swallowed his tongue when the claxon sounded, and the man next to him nearly jumped out of his suit. Red flashing lights descended from the ceiling. Distorted shouting filled the air. Over the mayhem the disembodied female voice intoned, “Infection. Alert. Infection. Alert.”

“Damn!” the suited man next to Seiji shouted.

The hallway suddenly boiled with rubber-suited soldiers, roiling from hidden doors like ants from a violated nest. They all shouted incoherent orders through their tinny microphones, while they pushed Seiji to the floor and sat on him, mashing his face into the padded surface.

“Ow, you jerks!” he said, but over the din he couldn’t even hear his own voice.

As suddenly as it began, it was over. The weight was lifted from him and he turned his head to look up. A single suited figure stood over him. “Get up,” his guard said.

Slowly Seiji complied, leaning against the padded wall until his legs could hold him. While he caught his breath he looked up and down the hallway. No sign of any doors. No sign of any other guards. And no sign of Kaneda.

Allison looked around Seiji’s spartan bedroom. “I wouldn’t have taken him for a neat-freak,” she said aloud. Nothing was out of place. Not that there was much to be out of place. Just a low bed and a small chest of drawers holding up a lamp and a digital clock. From one wall a buxom pop star smiled into the room while she held a microphone suggestively. She couldn’t have been more that fourteen, Allison thought, but judging by her boobs she’d be having back trouble by the time she could vote.

“So that’s what he goes for,” she muttered.

There is no time, White Shadow whispered into her head.

“You think time has meaning here?” She asked.

That… doesn’t make sense.

“Yeah? Well, I was quoting you.”

Allison. If you don’t leave here quickly, they will kill you.

“Not if I join them.”

… what?

“You got me into this mess. This whole thing is your fault. You hurt my friends. Why should I listen to you now?”

We can own… everything.

Allison thought for a moment, but ‘everything’ didn’t sound very appealing. “Huh. What else?”

What else!? Everything! There is nothing else!

“I don’t really need everything.”

Anything, then. You can have anything you want.

“Anything?”

Anything.

“Then I want you. I want to own you. I want to control you.”

Through the open window Allison heard men shouting out in the street.

The soldiers will be here soon.

Allison slipped her laptop under Seiji’s futon. “I guess I’d better surrender before they break my friend’s door down,” she said.

Don’t!

“I’m coming out peacefully!” she shouted out the window. The voices on the street paused for a moment, then rose in a cacophony. There was a soft thud against the wall near the window, then another. Allison thought she heard a squeak.

Wait!

“Don’t shoot! I’m not armed!” she called out. There were several more impacts, then a kitten sailed into the room and hit Allison square in the chest. Instinctively she caught it before it fell. The tiny creature dug its claws into her hand and mewled loudly.

“Where did you come from?” she asked it.

“Meeeeew!” it cried, showing all its needle-like kitten teeth.

Allison stroked its sleek black fur, and it began to purr and rub its head against her hand. “Awww… aren’t you something? A flying black kitten.”

They are trying to distract you.

Allison nodded. It seemed a strange ploy, but strange was starting to feel normal. “Thanks for Jet!” she shouted out the window. “But I still intend to come out peacefully!” Quietly she said, “Last chance before I help them destroy you.”

… all right. You win.

Allison caught her breath. This was the moment. “Which means…?”

I am yours. She felt White Shadow’s chagrined smile, quickly replaced by a feeling of unmitigated triumph. And now the world becomes ours. Behold!

The world… shifted. Grew. Changed colors. New dimensions sprouted in her perception, rooted in time and space but transcending them, augmenting them, rendering them moot. The patterns that had teased her before became clear, structure over chaos, built from order. The world was laid bare.

Allison staggered, collapsed on Seiji’s neatly-made bed. She reminded herself to breathe. Her eyes were closed, but she could see… everything. She felt the words of the soldiers outside pass through her, felt their fear and smelled their sweat. They were waiting for something. Someone.

Allison opened her eyes and smiled. The kitten was sitting on her, purring, working its tiny claws in her sweater.

All hail Allison, Queen of all I comprehend.

It was time to get her friends back.

Lancia nodded at the sleek electronic device she held in her hand. “It’s happened,” she said. She silenced he machine with a brush of her red-lacquered fingernail across its screen and slipped it into the pocket of her form-fitting suit jacket. “Take me in. Fast.”

The pilot nodded and pointed the helicopter’s nose at the ground. Lancia smiled. He was trying to frighten her, the poor Y-chromosome-encumbered macho dipshit. It was almost endearing. Below, soldiers scattered like ants fleeing Godzilla. Which wasn’t far from the reality. As the helicopter plummeted she took her bearings of the neighborhood and the house where White Shadow hid.

“That’s Dr. Yamamoto’s house,” she said, betraying surprise. That was going to complicate things.

A voice crackled over the radio. “All units in place! We are prepared to storm the building!”

She keyed her mike and said, “Negative! Do not attack! The subject will come out.”

A burst of static assaulted her ear, then the commander on the ground said, “We have placed a kitten directly in her proximity, but I don’t think—”

“Correct! You do not think! You do what I say! Have more kittens ready, but do not approach the building!”

The helicopter pulled its nose up and landed roughly. Lancia unbuckled and had her door open by the time the skids were on the ground; half a second later her high heels were clicking across the pavement.

Lancia didn’t hesitate at the barricade that had been erected at the top of Dr. Yamamoto’s driveway.

“Sir! It’s not safe!” the colonel called out to her. She smiled and kept walking.

“Nothing worth having is safe,” she said quietly. At the front door she hesitated. What was the right way to introduce herself? She shrugged and punched the doorbell.

As usual, Azusa was the last to arrive at the Council meeting. She slid her lean fencer’s body into her comfy leather chair.

“Good of you to join us,” the leader of the council said. He was cloaked in shadow, and Azusa had difficulty remembering what he looked like.

“Not all of us can drop everything at a moment’s notice,” she said.

“Yes,” the short guy with glasses said. “Why have you assembled us?”

The leader hesitated. “It seemed,” he said, “That we are being neglected. Forgotten, almost.”

“Events have transpired,” the tall, mysterious boy said.

“Events my ass,” said the blonde rich girl. “Are we the ones who wait for things to happen, or are we the ones who make things happen?”

Glasses spoke solemnly. “Some record history. Others make history.”

“Yeah, terrific,” the blonde girl said. “I’m missing a pedicure right now. We better be kicking someone’s ass.”

“Indeed,” the tall, mysterious one said.

The leader cleared his throat. “Of course we are. That’s what we do.”

“So…” the blonde said.

“I’m Azusa,” Azusa said, her voice echoing in the uncomfortable silence.

“What!?” the others asked in unison.

“If we’re going to matter, we should have names,” she said. “My name is Azusa.”

Her heart pounded in her chest, filling the echoing silence of the chamber. “You are a rebel, Azusa,” the leader said. “You overstep.”

“What the hell are you thinking?” the blonde asked.

“I am Iruka,” the mysterious one said.

Nearly simultaneously Glasses said, “I am Narumi.”

The leader wiped his hands over his eyes. “The Greater Powers forbid us from revealing our names.”

“Seriously,” the blonde bitch said, “would you rather be forgotten? I am Hayase.”

The leader sad softly, “It is not likely I will remember your names when next we meet.”

Azusa snorted.

“That’s fine,” Hayase said. “We’ll remind you. Just don’t forget that we exist. We’ll be important eventually.”

“Although, probably not until after White Shadow is defeated,” said Narumi, pushing his glasses up on his face.

“True,” said Azusa. “No sense getting mixed up in that shit.”

Seiji’s interrogator was young, and pretty. She vaguely resembled photographs he had seen of his mother, from long ago, before he had been born, before the accident. She sat across a small metal table from him. His gray metal chair was bolted to the floor, and he was bolted to the chair.

“Seiji,” she said, “I know you don’t trust us, and honestly I don’t blame you. My bosses can be… you know.” Her voice sounded hollow in the barren metal room.

Seiji stared resolutely at the table, not daring to look at her.

“It’s just that, well, this is so important,” she said. “White Shadow has already hurt a lot of people.”

“I don’t know anything,” Seiji said.

“Tell me about the exchange student.”

“I don’t know anything about her,” he grumbled.

“Her name is Allison?”

He nodded.

She patted his arm. “See? You do know something.”

He hazarded a glance at her wide, earnest eyes, and immediately regretted it. “Nothing you don’t know already.”

She laughed. “There’s no telling what you might tell us that will turn out to be an important piece of the puzzle.”

All the more reason to shut up, Seiji thought. “I don’t like being kidnapped,” he said.

This time his interrogator’s hand remained on his arm. “I know,” she said. “This must be difficult. But you were trespassing on an important crime scene. The best way to get through this is to help us out, I promise.” She waited for a pregnant moment for Seiji to respond, then said, “You mentioned telekinetic abilities.”

“I… what?”

“Telekinetic abilities. You mentioned that the transfer student had them. You said she had a limited range.”

Seiji tried to contain a smile. Had they really bought all that?

The interrogator pressed, her voice earnest. “What is the limit of her telekinetic range, Seiji?” She took one of his hands in both of hers. “Seiji? Look at me, Seiji.”

Reluctantly he lifted his gaze from where her hands held his, past her seemingly gratuitous cleavage, to her open, honest face. So much like his mother. He swallowed.

She leaned forward until her breasts were almost touching his hand. “Seiji? Please, we have to know. You could save someone’s life.” She looked nervously at the door to the interrogation chamber and lowered her voice to barely even a whisper, leaning in even farther, until he could feel silk brush his fingers. He had to lean forward to hear her fearful words. “It could be my life you save, Seiji. Please. They are losing patience with me. If I fail…” she choked off a sob and raised her voice. “I know you want to do the right thing,” she said.

1

Excel 2011 for Mac, UNIX Time, and Visual Basic for Applications

Note to people looking for a formula: Yes, the code is here (for Mac and Windows, even). I tend to go long-winded even in technical articles, but if you’re dealing with converting UNIX time to Excel time, the answers lie below. You can skip ahead or read my brilliant and entertaining *cough* analysis first.

Microsoft Excel uses a method to represent time that is both smart and frustrating. How do they manage this? They take a good engineering solution, then fiddle with it. First some background:

Long before Y2K people who knew what they were doing had already abandoned the practice of using strings of text to represent dates in a computer. Using strings like “3/10/2011” to represent a date has plenty of drawbacks, from cultural (is that March 10th or October 3rd?) to performance-related (sort 3/10/2011, 4/2/1902, 3/8/2012). Therefore long ago people who were smarter than I am came up with other ways to represent time. Happliy, time is nice and linear. All you really need is a number line. Remember them? A number line stretches from zero to infinity in both directions. To measure time all you need to do is decide on a zero point and then any point in the history of the universe can be represented by some number of time units from that instant.

My first exposure to a more rational way to measure time was in the old MacOS. I don’t remember anymore exactly when the zero point was, or even what the units chosen were. I do remember that the number gets too big for the computer to handle some time in 2014. Ancient Macs will have a problem then. I blame the Aztecs.

The UNIX boys count seconds from January 1, 1970 at 00:00. You get special Geek Cred if you went to a party to celebrate second 1234567890 of the Unix epoch. 32-bit computers that use the Unix epoch will break in 2038, when the number of seconds gets too big to fit in 32 bits. (Note also that you can only go back a finite distance before the negative number goes out of the range the processor can handle.

That’s all well and good, but I’m here to discuss Microsoft Excel today, and in particular Microsoft Excel for Mac. Excel counts in days, but allows fractional values. 12.5 represents noon twelve days after the zero point. I haven’t checked, but I think this system works for dates far, far into the future. So good on Microsoft for coming up with it. (As long as you don’t need dates before the zero time. In Excel, those are just strings again).

Of course, there are a couple of caveats. First: the historical oddity. In Excel, the day February 29, 1900 exists. Alas, there never was such a day. Microsoft included this error because they wanted to be compatible with Lotus, who simply messed up. To change it now would cause problems, because the zero point for the Microsoft time is January 1, 1900. Every date in every spreadsheet would suddenly be off by one. A thousand years from now we may still be calculating time based on the insertion of a bogus day.

Oh, except that Microsoft time doesn’t always start in 1900, and here’s where things start to get squirrely. If you’re using Excel for Mac, the default day zero is January 1, 1904, so the bogus day vanishes (no negative dates in Excel, remember?). Mac Excel dates aren’t burdened by the bogus day. Except when they are. More on that in a bit.

I descended into Excel recently to write a macro that does fancy formatting based on data I dump from a Web-based tracking tool I’m building. The dates in my data are based on the UNIX epoch, so I need to convert them. I dump the raw data into one sheet and then display it correctly converted and formatted on the main sheet that people actually look at. Here’s the code I use in a cell of the spreadsheet that needs to show a converted date:

    =DATE(1970,1,1)+import!Z3/(60*60*24)

where the unix time is in cell Z3 of the ‘import’ sheet. This divides the unix time by the number of seconds in a day, which gives me the number of days that have passed since the UNIX zero time. The formula then adds on the number of days from the spreadsheet zero to the UNIX zero time. (I could just say 86,400 instead of 60*60*24, but this way I can tell at a glance I’m dealing with days, and speed will not be an issue.) Happily, this formula will work on both Mac and Windows versions of Excel, because the DATE function will return the right value for the start of the unix epoch based on whichever version of Excel is running.

So, no problem, right?

Well… except. I also have some more fancy work to do that requires scripting. The good news: Mac Excel 2011 uses Visual Basic for Applications (VBA), which while imperfect is a zillion times better than AppleScript. So away I went, coding with a twinkle in my eye and a song in my heart. To convert dates, I naturally followed the same plan I did in the sheet’s cells: get the value for 1/1/1970, then add the unix epoch days.

And the dates came out different. Yep, when scripting, Excel always uses the Windows zero time, even when the spreadsheet in question uses the Mac zero time. Dates calculated in cells in the sheet are four years different than dates calculated using the same method in a script.

Aargh. Of course, once I realized what the problem was, it was not too difficult to work around it. I just lost some of the portability of my code, because now it has to be tweaked based on what the zero date of the spreadsheet is.

An aside here: If you’re here to resolve some date confusion in your own Mac spreadsheet, I strongly recommend you start by going to Preferences->Calculation->Workbook Options and uncheck the “use 1904 date” option. Unfortunately it will not recalculate the dates already entered in your sheets, so if that’s a problem then it’s too late for you, bucko. Read on.

Here’s some not-as-portable-as-it-could-be code. You need to choose one of the first two lines based on whether your sheet uses mac dates or windows dates:

'excelZeroDate = DateSerial(1904, 1, 1)              ' mac zero
excelZeroDate = 0      ' DateSerial(1900, 1, 1)     ' windows zero
unixZeroDate = DateDiff("d", excelZeroDate, DateSerial(1970, 1, 1))

Then if I have a date in the ‘import’ sheet to convert, I can write something like:

startDate = DateAdd("s", Worksheets("import").Cells(dateRow, dateColumn), unixZeroDate)

The nice part is that these functions handled converting seconds and days for me. Overall it’s not a bad system if you overlook the part where a single application gives two different answers to the same question.

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