Announcing Knives (Beta)

Well, it’s time, I think, to introduce Knives, the serial fiction project formerly known as The Fantasy Novel I’ll Likely Never Write. It has its own place now, knives-the-novel.net, where you can see the first five (improved) episodes.

At this time, I would appreciate a few people checking it out, and letting me know what they think of the organization, the theme, and the experience in general. Please leave your comments here on Muddled Ramblings and Half-Baked Ideas — finding a good discussion forum for Knives remains stubbornly on the incomplete list.

Also, I would be Super-Duper grateful if a couple of folks who are so inclined could report back on the Patreon Experience. Of course that means pledging support for the story; I sincerely hope some of the regulars here see fit to toss a bit into the tip jar.

Once I work the kinks out of the system, I will be exhorting you all to spread the word about Knives, but for now, let’s keep things modest.

And, once more, faithful readers, thank you!

1

Everyone Knows Socialism Doesn’t Work

Many of the things Everyone Knows are in fact, false. We are told time and again that socialism is shared misery. Misery is hard to measure, but the assumption is that workers are less productive in a socialist economy. The everybody-knows explanation is that socialism rewards slackers.

That is an assertion that can be tested, given enough data. The theorem is, then, that productivity is lower in socialist economies. Anecdotal evidence abounds. Many socialist nations have crashed in horrific failure. Need we look any further?

Well, yes, because the burning question is, “was it socialism that killed them?”

Let me tell you, when I started reading up on this stuff, the water got deep, fast, so there’s a pretty good chance my summary of economics is even less precise than Carl Sagan’s parables about physics. But here’s what I managed to glean:

  1. All things being equal, socialist societies are more productive.
  2. Corruption is the soul-sucker of an economy.
  3. Socialist societies are more likely to be corrupt.

So if you can create a nation where workers can work, confident that their families will be cared for, knowing they are secure and need not fear catastrophic medical bills, things can go really well. IF (and this is the giant IF) the government doesn’t siphon off the fruits of their labors to cronies, or undermine the rule of law. If, in other words, the government isn’t organized crime. Russia’s socialism was pretty much organized crime, and cratered. The former socialist republics of Eastern Europe are all examples of horrible socialism.

But walk with me here, as we explore the idea that corruption is the soul-killer of a society. Corrupt socialist nations fall. But so do corrupt capitalist nations.

Here in the United States, we have already grown the corruption of a socialist nation, without any of the benefits.

Exhibit A: Boston’s “Big Dig”

Let’s compare the Big Dig in Boston, a fine city in a fine capitalist nation, to the Big Dig in Barcelona, where socialism runs wild in the streets. While it’s impossible to say the projects are equivalent, they were both giant public-works projects that involved tunneling under cities. They both cost a shit-ton of money. The estimated cost before ground was broken for both projects was similar.

Both went over budget, but the Boston project went way, way over budget. And then required remedial construction. In the end, the Barcelona project cost a lot less.

Why did the Boston’s big dig cost so much? Let’s round up the usual suspects. Unions? Ahem. We’re comparing ourselves to Spain, here. Environmental regulations? Again: Spain. They’re pretty tough about that stuff, too.

Corruption? Bingo. The way public works projects in the United States are bid and managed is an open invitation for grift. Building a simple bridge now costs taxpayers ten times what it used to. Our tax money just vanishes into the dark unknown. Since ALL public projects are ridiculously inflated, they all seem normal. Barcelona’s cost overruns were about half Boston’s. Corruption there too, but less.

Exhibit B: The F-35 Flying Turd

Mention this weapon to any senior military man in the US and listen to his teeth grind. It is a terrible airplane, designed by politicians; the only mission it does well is to cost money. My money. Your money. Money that could be spent on airplanes that don’t suck. The men in Washington who keep this project alive are criminals, and they profit handsomely.

Exhibit C: Health care

While we argue endlessly about how expensive it would be to provide health care to everyone, a lot of other countries in the world manage to do it for a fraction of the cost. How? In our country, where does all that money go? There are some reasonable answers for some of that cost (we are not willing to accept any failure rate; our costs fund research that would not happen otherwise), but let’s face it, we could do almost as well for a fraction of the cost. Masses of money just disappear in a health-care black hole of bureaucrats and malpractice premiums.

I’m sad. Socialist nations fail because they invite corruption. We are already corrupt, and we’re not even socialist yet.

1

What is Trump’s Goal?

Trump is a liar, a skunk, and a bully.

A couple of years ago, Trump told the Republican party that he didn’t need them. He told them that he would run a campaign for president, and he’d hardly have to spend a dime doing it. He knew the media, and he knew he’d get free coverage every inch of the way. A WWE campaign. The GOP insiders should have listened. While his opponents spend millions to get attention, he just says the most inflammatory thing that comes to mind at the moment. Boom. Instant coverage. Attention brings votes.

Many of the things he says are lies. He knows that as he says the words. It doesn’t matter to him. When people expose those lies, he threatens to sue. Of course he never will carry out that threat, because he would lose and look bad doing it.

Hey Donald. SUE ME! SUE ME FOR SAYING YOU ARE A LIAR AND A BULLY! DO IT! WHILE YOUR PATHETIC FANS CHEER ON; ACTUALLY DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO! I will not fall for your lies. I will not let you or your brownshirts intimidate me. STEP UP, DONALD. You and me in a debate. Any time, anywhere. I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN.

No risk there. Trump is a balloon. He knows how to manipulate the media. He is the train wreck we cannot turn away from. But every fucked-up thing he says is BIG NEWS.

Does Trump really want the responsibility of being President of the United States? I doubt it. He would really suck at it, and I think he knows that. Does he want the personal gratification of being elected? Absolutely. Does he have any plans for what he’d do with his presidency? I’m skeptical. Getting elected is important, being president is an unfortunate responsibility best left to flunkies and sycophants.

Trump will say anything to get elected. Is he racist? Who knows? But by saying racist things he gets automatic coverage. Coverage that other candidates pay for. He will say ANYTHING if it gets him on the six o’clock news. Any meme on Facebook with his face is a win for him. And now I’m saying his name too.

Trump is a liar, a skunk, and a bully. It hurts me to even acknowledge him, but the time has come to make sure he does not succeed, and that requires speaking the name of the beast. He has drawn me into his cesspool, and now I will fight.

Not only must Trump lose, he has to humiliated. His vanity machine must be punished, or the next Trump will get even closer to the goal.

Muddled Ramblings Going Down for Maintenance

I’m not sure exactly when yet, but Muddled Ramblings & Half-Baked Ideas will be going down for some long-overdue maintenance shortly. You may have noticed occasional outages lately, and with not one, but TWO exciting new sites soon to be hosted on this hardware, it’s time for a little renovation. The Mac Mini behind this site has been running non-stop nigh-on five years, and it has a lot of old experimental junk on it that just needs to go away.

The outage will likely last a few hours, and when things come back up they should be zippier than ever.

Then if I could just move this site design forward by about a decade (the irony that the massive article about rounded corner support in modern browsers uses tiled images to create rounded corners is not lost on me) we’ll be in good shape!

4

Foreigner Live in Wendover

On one of my more recent road trips, I was a little saddened to pass a billboard proclaiming that the giant band Foreigner was playing in (I’m pretty sure) the border town of Wendover, NV. It seemed like a long way down from where they had been.

After some consideration, however, I realized that a group of guys still making a living doing what they love is in no way sad. Maybe they pulled all their retirement money up their noses, but I’d like to believe that even former superstars love their craft, and just want to play. They wouldn’t have reached the heights they did without that passion.

But then, after more consideration, I got a little sad again. When was the last time you heard a new Foreigner song? They’re out there, rockin’ the house, but creators have to create. Certainly the boys in the band have had new ideas in the last couple of decades, but nothing new has reached the masses. Have they ceased to be artists? Have they really been reduced to being a tribute band for themselves?

Open message to Foreigner’s agent (and the agents for countless other bands): Now is the time to strike. Let the showmen become artists again, and let them tell their story. I bet it’s a really good story.

2

Where’s TFNIWLNW?

The Fantasy Novel I Will Likely Never Write is moving to a new home. I’ve got the announcement all set to go, but like many construction projects, getting the new home set up has been way more time-consuming than I bargained for.

Brief aside: WordPress has thousands of widgets for almost every purpose, and most of them suck. I mean, they really suck.

So I’ve been spending time on that, and not on the actual story. Bah. The time I do devote to the prose I’m investing in rewrites of the early chapters, when “IWLN” was still mostly true, so I wasn’t putting as much into the finer points of writing a good yarn. I think you’ll appreciate the difference should you be inclined to go back and read. You know, when the new home is ready.

I guess the message is, faithful fans, please be patient.

And if you, or someone you love, can draw me a couple of pictures, please let me know.

1

Women’s Soccer, USA vs. England, and Scary People

I’m sorta-kinda-not-so-much watching a soccer match right now. As the teams came out of the halftime break the cameras showed the English team huddling and psyching each other up, then they cut to one of the US players, alone on the pitch, with a disturbingly intense look on her face. Whoever that was, I wouldn’t want to mess with her. So now I’m paying a little more attention to the game. If the US loses, will there be violence?

Also, I’m saddened by the vast, mostly-empty stadium. This game is in many ways superior to the men’s version (far fewer flop artists, less corruption in officiating), but this is still a novelty league in footie-loving countries.

But tonight, the game is on, and it’s pretty good, now that I’m paying attention. Athleticism vs. structure. Somewhere out there on the pitch is a woman with murder in her soul, so I hope we win.

Bernie and Socialism and how to Pay for that Stuff

First off, let me say I’m glad Bernie is running for president. Even if he doesn’t win the nomination, it gives the grownups a chance to talk about substantive issues and debate what economic path the US could pursue if it wasn’t being run by crooks and about to be overrun by crazies.

Bernie likes to talk about the ideal socialism, which is, more or less, everybody in a group making sure that everyone else in the group is taken care of. Families do it all the time. It’s not inherently a bad thing. But it’s expensive from a traditional government-does-it point of view, and we have to figure out how to pay for it.

Also, Everybody Knows™* that Socialism enables lazy people. More on that another day. Bernie’s supporters point to reasonably successful socialist governments over in Europe and say that it could be that way here, too. After all, they seem to be able to afford it. What’s the difference?

There’s something no one mentions. Not even Bernie. Your tax dollars and mine are supporting those lovely socialist nations in Europe. We pay for much of the defense and security of Europe, top to bottom, east to west. We took on the burden in a grandiose, “I am the king of the world!” period at the end of World War Two. And we did a damn good job of it, too. When was the last time Europe went seventy years without a major war? Never, that’s when. Seriously. Never.

Mission accomplished. You’re welcome, Europe!

But now as the economies of Europe become ever more integrated, maybe the mission isn’t the same as it was. Maybe those happy prosperous nations can pay for their own defense. Maybe we can turn some of that military money to achieving our own paradise. The simple fact is that we already help fund prosperous socialist countries. They’re just not this country.

I propose a fundamental change in mission for our nation’s military. For the last seven decades we have tasked ourselves with maintaining world peace, and we’ve done a pretty damn good job, overall. There are exceptions, but remember: seventy years with no major war in Europe. Boo-yah! High-five, all you who have served. But it’s time to let Europe and Japan look after themselves. It’s time stop subsidizing Toyota and Hyundai and Mercedes-Benz by lifting a load off their governments’ obligations. The money they don’t spend on tanks is money they spend on day care and gaining an advantage in the marketplace.

So we stop paying (as much) for their security. We take the money we save on tanks and airplanes, and spend it on day care, and health care, and veterans’ benefits. We have the money to put everyone through college. We can get homeless servicemen, the ones who achieved this incredible period of peace, and find shelter and medical care for them. The United States is wealthy enough to give everyone health care. It’s just that right now we spend the money on other stuff. On an obsolete military mandate.

But Bernie, EVEN BERNIE, can’t bring himself to suggest this out loud. He can’t even suggest that we might cut our losses on terrible weapon systems whose only mission is to cost money. (Watch this space for a special feature on the F-35 ‘Flying Turd’.)

And that’s why I have a hard time contemplating voting for Bernie. If he was really who he says he is, he’d have the balls to take on the completely corrupt defense procurement machine. If we only paid for the weapons that worked, we could cut our budget by hundreds of billions. HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS! And our military will still be just as mighty, because it would be using functional equipment! And Bernie should have the huevos to suggest that maybe Japan could pay for its own army. But he doesn’t. And until I find a candidate who has that resolve, I can’t take any of the other social reform promises seriously. Because until we stop spending so much on defending other countries, and we stop pouring money into flawed weapons, we simply can’t afford the other stuff, much as I wish we could.
_____
* Many of the things that Everyone Knows are in fact false.

1

TFNIWLNW: 15

Time makes no sense when the world is ending before your eyes. We stood, watching, helpless, as the walls of the fortress sagged, the towers fell, and all that could burn was consumed until not even ash remained. The captain held his men back and held back his own tears. After a while the horror exhausted us and we were just a group of empty shells, staring down on the destruction. Some of the soldiers sat; Bags disappeared into the forest. No one thought to follow their prisoner. Kat remained mounted, watching the destruction and death with a jaw set so hard I thought her teeth would shatter.

Elena stood next to me, her hand forgotten on my sleeve. “I hate all the gods,” she said. The captain looked up at her, startled, his eyes empty. He nodded slowly and turned his gaze back to the fortress.

I wanted my knives back. My skin itched where they should have been strapped against my wrists and legs, my hands twitched and flexed, missing their reassurance. My mouth was dry, which is just as well because my throat was too tight to swallow. If I didn’t find a way to get my weapons back soon, I was likely to do something foolish.

Finally it was over. The land around us was released from its unnatural twilight, and the fortress cowered under a sun no longer its enemy. In the town, the bell continued to toll in its stone tower, low and mournful, as if it were accomplishing something. Several of the dwellings on the north side of town were now afire, their thatch roofs and timbered rafters engulfed in yellow flame. The wind pulled the smoke of the fires toward the ruined fortress, where it rose with the heated air high into the sky. At least the fire would not spread through the town. I watched as men and women rushed about, some to draw water from the river, some to the burning houses, and others, soldiers, mostly, stepping cautiously into the blackened circle where their home and their friends had once been.

The captain stirred. “Let’s give what help we can,” he said. He looked around. “Where’s the big one?”

“Right here,” Bags said, emerging from the woods. The wind at his back blew his hair into his face, where it clung to the moisture on his cheeks. A few chunks of what had once been his breakfast were caught in his shiny new ring shirt. I’d never seen him look so tired.

“Get ready to move out,” the captain said.

“I think that would be unwise,” I said.

The captain was too exhausted to be angry. “I don’t care what you think.”

“They thought we would be in there,” I said. “They thought Elena would be there.”

He looked at me with narrowed eyes.

“That was for us.”

He paused for a moment but in the end he shrugged and let out a long breath. “Then the last place they will look for us is in there,” he said. “We are going. If you don’t want to come along, I’ll be happy to cut you down were you stand.”

I looked over at Kat and Bags. They were watching me. “Might be someone in there,” Bags said. “In a cellar or something. Needs help.”

Elena’s grip tightened on my arm. “We have to help,” she said. The wind shifted for a moment, bringing the smell of burning fields. A large gray ash drifted between slowly between us, hanging in the air, twisting and curling in the wind. It came to rest in her hair. “We have to fucking help,” she said. Her eyes looked a little wild and I regretted saying out loud that all those people had died in an attempt to kill her. The only innocent in the group was going to blame herself for the evil of others.

And so we went. Somewhere, people who could melt a fortress were working to confirm they had killed Elena. They would have people in the town, or somewhere nearby. Eventually they would know they failed, and they would try again. I had no hope of protecting her. Against the might of the Soul Thieves I had a few pieces of sharp metal. And at the moment, I didn’t even have that. As we walked I flipped a piece of wood between my hands, shifting it in my fingers, keeping them moving so they wouldn’t shake so badly.

The center of the destruction was a neat circle perhaps half a mile across; around that the fields burned, but the ragged line of the fire, driven inward by the wind toward the shimmering heat of the fortress, was not moving quickly. Once inside that ring we were blanketed in choking smoke that burned at my eyes and nose. I moistened a cloth and put it over Elena’s face, then did the same for myself.

We stepped past the smoldering stubble onto the hardened earth where the sun had shone so brightly. Around the edges bones of people and animals lay in charred piles, distinguishable by their teeth. A few cautious steps farther in and the dark, once-fertile soil was hard on the surface. Shining stone. Life had been erased here, never to return.

Of the buildings at the foot of the fortress, little remained. A stunted, sagging chimney and a warped, blackened anvil marked the location of a forge. Livestock pens had been reduced to areas with occasional charred bones. As had the barracks. Metal glinted here and there on the burned plain; armor, swords, and the simple tools of everyday life were almost indistinguishable. No knives to be scavenged out here.

We reached the moat, and I felt my stomach twist in my gut. The slow-moving water was choked with corpses — men, livestock, and fish all floating together, pale and bloated, singed and burned and boiled to death. Beneath the surface I could see hints of metal, the armor of men who had chosen drowning over burning. The earth, the stones, the air itself radiated with heat. I felt sweat trickling down my spine.

The air was heavy with the smell of cooked meat and the astringent smell of baked earth. When the bodies in the river began to decompose, Brower’s Landing would face a host of new problems. But, cooked as they were, the bodies would be slow to ripen.

We joined a group of men working to build a makeshift bridge to span the moat and reach the hole in the wall that had once been a door. It was going to take some time; they were tearing down structures in town for the lumber, and dragging it behind reluctant horses.

“Tell those lazy sacks of shit to hurry,” Elena said.

I nodded, and tilted my head back to look at the wall looming over us. “I’ll go on up,” I said. “See if anyone needs help.” I did not wait for the captain’s response.

I slipped out of my cloak and waded into the river, pushing my way through the death, stumbling over soft objects wedged in the muck beneath my feet. Something brushed my leg and I looked down to find a face staring up at me, attached to a bloated body, the eye sockets burned-out holes, the flesh pink and gray and shiny. No hair, teeth blackened behind burned-off lips. I turned aside and puked.

My great aunt Heldie was the one who taught me to swim. She taught all my family the art. It was, of course, a pragmatic decision — the water, she taught us, could be a very effective avenue of escape for those who knew how to use it. Today I was inclined to agree with her. I was sure I was escaping something as I crossed the water, but I had no idea what. I would be alone for a short time, and perhaps that was enough. I came up on the shore at the base of the fortress, clinging to rock still hot to the touch, streaked with soot where shrubs had once grown in the fissures. Around me others were already working to create the footings for a new bridge. They assumed I was there to help them. Instead I climbed.

The climbing was easy at first, over the rough living stone. By the time I got to the remains of the dressed stone blocks of the wall, however, there were few handholds and heat radiated off the walls and through my clothing and I was sweating like a slave in the pits of hell. I took off my shirt, tore it up, and wrapped a sleeve around each of my hands. I looked up at the empty gate, my destination, ten feet above my head. Rubble had fallen, partially blocking the way but providing plenty of scrambling opportunities. Move fast, touch as little as possible. Once up there, try to find a safe place before my feet burn up. A simple plan.

The day dimmed again, but it was not like before. I looked up. The clouds were back, gathering quickly. I swallowed, took a breath, and started my scramble. Up, up, the stone heating my hands and my feet, I scrabbled and pushed over the broken wall and into the cluttered gap that had once been a gate. I fell on my shoulder, cried out, rolled, the heat of the stone cooking my skin. On my feet once more I found a fallen stone to stand on; exposed on all sides it had cooled faster than the rest of the fortress.

I crouched on it, lifting one foot and then the other, certain I was about to cook to death. When the first raindrop fell, hissing at it hit the heated stone nearby, I paid no attention. But then another raindrop fell, and then another. The sky opened and rain fell in earnest, heavy drops that slammed into the heated stone with purpose, only to be turned to steam. I was surrounded by billowing clouds, turning the demolished fortress into a strange, shifting world of air and stone. My imagination turned shadows in the mist into monsters come to eat me alive.

I stepped off my rock. The rain was no more natural than the sun had been, but I was happy for it. Somewhere, someone who could change the weather was on my side. Or at least, not on the side of the ones who had done this. I turned my face upward, closed my eyes and let the cold hard drops hit my face.

Other rescuers would be here soon. If I was to gain anything from my head start, I had to move quickly. First things first: find a sharp piece of metal.

first episode

2

The Expanse Trilogy

I recently wrapped up reading The Expanse Boxed Set by James S. Corey, and I must say I enjoyed it quite a bit. It is Space Opera — space ships shooting at each other is a pretty common occurrence.

Humanity is expanding out into the Solar system; Mars is populous and prosperous, Earth is crowded but surviving, and the population of the asteroid belt is growing. The belters are few in numbers, but if armed conflict should arise, they would just have to throw rocks at Earth and Mars and let gravity do the rest. The three factions are in balance at the start of the story, but it wouldn’t take much to really mess things up.

Something like, say, the discovery of some sort of bizarre, obviously-manufactured molecule on a moon of Saturn. The molecule, when it comes into contact with organic life, reshapes it to its own purpose, whatever that is. A weapon? A tool? Impossible to say without putting the molecule somewhere where’s there’s a lot of living matter. Best guess is that a distant alien intelligence threw the protomolecule-bearing rock at Earth two billion years ago, but Saturn caught the incoming rock and held it in cold storage while life continued to get more complex on Earth.

But if the protomolecule was the fuel to plunge the solar system into chaos, the spark that touched it off is named James Holden.

In the first book there are two main characters, moral-high-ground-hugging Holden and a dissolute detective named Miller. They find themselves looking for the same woman, but for very different reasons.

Time for a fairly lengthy sidebar, here. Not long ago, a bunch of jerks fucked up the Hugo awards, ostensibly lamenting that all this inclusiveness and feel-goodiness was ruining Good ‘ol Science Fiction. Before us today is a massive work of GoSF. How does it compare to the Sick Puppies’ agenda?

In the first book, the main two characters are male. The third-most important character is Naomi, who apparently has hit the genetic jackpot, inheriting the best features of many of the races of earth. More time is spent on her more relevant differences in appearance, however; people who grow up in microgravity look different.

But still, the main female character in book one is attractive. Of course. The men? A little harder to tell. They’re not described in the same terms.

I wonder if Corey reviewed book one and decided that book two needed to be more diverse, or if he just felt the story had expanded enough to include more diversity. There are more characters, and one of the major ones, a skilled and powerful politician, is a grandmother with a foul mouth and a buddhist shrine in her office. She spends a lot of time with a Martian gunnery sergeant who also happens to be female. It’s not a big deal.

And that’s the answer to the Sick Puppies. There is a scene in which parents have to make difficult decisions about how to raise their daughter. It just so happens the parents are both women. But the argument is the same, the love is the same, and that’s what the story is about. Saying, “Fuck you, sick puppies! In my story everyone is gay!” is not the answer. But a heartbreaking moment between two people can happen no matter the genders of the actors.

OK, back to the books. A quick hit list:

Not to say that’s there’s no shooting in the first book, but it felt to me like shooting became ever more important as the story moved along. In book one, there was substantial opportunity for cleverness to prevail; by the end of the trilogy cleverness was more about gaining tactical advantage in a firefight. In that way, even as the story expanded in scope, the options open to the participants grew ever more narrow.

Favorite phrase: “vomit zombies”.

At one point, a character says, “Don’t you FUCKING touch me,” and I went, “oh holy shit.”

Later, another character says “We need to talk,” and I said “oh holy shit” again.

I’m willing to bet this is the first work in this genre to specifically mention Hatch green chile. Out there, the treasures of home are even more special. Bull is a good man, a long way from New Mexico. (Though it seems like he’s from northern New Mexico, and therefore might prefer chile from the Española area instead, given his druthers.*)

I’m very curious now about the TVizaion of this series of books (on SyFy). How will they make the Belters look distinctly different? Will they commit to the intimate moments between the action sequences? Will the cast be able to carry those moments? Will they make the spaceships sleek?

If you enjoy GoSF for the right reasons, I think you will appreciate this trilogy.

Note: if you use the above links to buy these books (or Bose Lifestyle SoundTouch 535 Entertainment System), I get a kickback.

___
* And with that, I win the award for ‘most pedantic, picky-ass novel criticism ever’. I’ve been working hard for this honor, and this effort finally put me over the top. We all covet the Hatch when we’re beyond the borders of the Land of Enchantment. Unless the Española is available, is all I’m sayin’. Seems to me Bull is from Española, but it never actually says so.

4

Banana Stickers

A banana sticker; this one an obvious ripoff of Andy Warhol

A banana sticker; this one an obvious ripoff of Andy Warhol

In the cartoon-for-grownups Metalocalypse, one episode involves the dysfunctional band’s agent hiring a counsellor to help the members get along. The members of Dethklok are given banana stickers when they act nicely toward each other. This works for a while, as the band covets the special prize, but in the end they discover they can buy banana stickers by the gross. The lead singer, Nathan Explosion, says, “We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so…” The band turns back into a bunch of backbiting jerks.

The Internet is filled with banana stickers. Little bits of feel-good validation that ultimately have no value. One site gave me a sticker for filling out my profile. MapMyRide gives me little trophies for my fourth best ride (out of four). My phone gives me banana stickers. LoseIt.com had me going for a while; some of the stickers they throw around are utterly meaningless, but others are not trivial to earn. So banana stickers don’t all have the same value. Someday I’ll get a sticker on Strava.

For the Web sites that offer these stickers, the reward is more tangible: return visitors. Getting banana stickers make you come back for more banana stickers.

The other day my allergies were kicking in and I pulled out the Flonase. I went to their site to review the instructions, and when I was done, a little window popped up that said something like:

“Achievement unlocked! You have read the Flonase instructions!”

There’s one for the resume.

2

A Huge Milestone Coming Up

1000003
Before too much longer, this blog will cross the fabled one-million-and-three-word line. 1,000,003 words of varying quality and sobriety drifting over too many themes to count. How should I celebrate?

3

Turning a Corner — With a little help, maybe?

I had a long episode all ready to go making a big announcement about The Fantasy Novel I’ll Likely Never Write (including the title!), but on more careful consideration I think it is premature. However, if you are an illustrator or a crowdfunding expert, I’d like to grossly underpay you for help giving TFNIWLNW wings. Nothing complex on either front; no people-drawing required (unless you like drawing people), and as for the crowdfunding I mostly need someone to explain what all that shit is and help me figure out what’s right for this project, or maybe it’s just a paypal tip-jar-thermometer thingie.

Any help greatly appreciated! You can hit me up at vikingjs@mac.com. I can’t pay much, but I’ll do my best to get you a walk-on role when the feature film comes out.

For now, I’m going back to making episode fifteen make sense. Expect to see it soon!

Where’d That Scintillating Post Go?

I had in these annals a commentary on Apple and the FBI fighting over privacy issues, but after some reflection I took it down because some asshole out there would ultimately dig it up and use what I said as if it were an official Apple press release. My employer prefers that its people not go muddying already treacherous waters.

So I’m going to have to let others do the talking on this one. Too bad, too, because there was a nugget of a nice debate taking shape.

2

Just Put Me in the Shed

Today I drank a bottle of Glacéau smartwater and felt like a tool.