The Deterioriation of Jerry

I had Folly out the other night. In general, I’m not a namer of things. Only one car I’ve ever had earned a name (The Heap), and never have I felt the urge to name my computers or other durable goods. My big, fancy camera, however, has a name. Folly. It’s a much bigger, fancier camera than I should be bothering with, and I still have issues with taking my photos through photoshop before I can post them (and usually photoshop resets the time and day info, so they don’t sort out right with the snaps from my little camera). Overall, labor per picture is about ten times the effort for my little fuji/iPhoto/gallery routine. In the online galleries, there are still many more shots taken with my little camera than with the monster. Granted, the results with Folly are better. Sometimes much better. On those occasions I pat myself on the back for having enough faith in my abilities to spring for the damn thing.

Not that it was a difficult decision at the time. I had borrowed my cousin John’s camera for a trip to Yellowstone. I took about 150 pictures and had a lot of fun. Being able to change lenses makes a huge difference over even a respectable zoom feature on a digicam. So I was looking over the results from the day’s excursion while having a few beers with John because that’s what we do, and I was really happy with the results. Really, really, happy. I’m squealing with delight like a schoolgirl, sipping suds, and occasionally sharing my success with John while he’s on his laptop pulgging away. Finally he says, “OK, here’s what I have for you,” and he lists off a camera, three lenses, and a few accessories. I thought of a couple more accessories and told him to make the purchase.

John likes to spend money on cool toys. At the time, his money/toy ratio was a little thin, so I think he had fun working on mine. I knew that I was making a poor decision, and if I waited and thought about it carefully reason would prevail and I’d chicken out. That’s the beauty of the Internet.

So anyway, that’s not what this episode was supposed to be about. I was goofing around with Folly, taking self-portraits. Amateur photographer, amateur model, extreme light conditions. It was a long night. In the process I discovered a camera setting that would have improved my pictures of Amy immeasurably. Next time I’m hanging around with her while she’s in her little nightie I’ll be ready. But that’s another digression. This episode is all about me.

I noticed something when looking back at previous self-portraits. First, the ones taken with Folly were way better (granted, I shot about 400 frames the other night and never got the perfect one), and second, I look different now. A lot of it is hair, of course. Is that the only difference? You be the judge. In fairness (and, um… vanity) I have posted the most flattering pics from each era.

self-portrait by pool

Exhibit A: May 2nd, 2004, San Jose, California. This is the earliest picture of me while on the road trip, exactly one month after it began, and moments before scampering back into the shade. Those lily-white shoulders don’t see the sun if I can help it.

self-portrait crater lake

Exhibit B: May 30th, 2004. Crater Lake, about a month later. Beard is getting full, hair is still in the “respectable” range. (Hair covers rather pronounced forehead tan line.)

Buffalo Milk!

Exhibit C: July 22, 2004. Drinking Buffalo Milk, Two Harbors, Catalina. Things are definitely not moving in the direction of “pretty”. Desert and ocean have done their work on my skin.

Self-portrati PB Library

Exhibit D: July 31, 2004. The beard is gone! Still not looking exactly clean-cut, but I was wearing shoes while in the Pacific Beach Library.

Self-Portrait Veermillion Cliffs

Exhibit E: October 9, 2004. After some attempts to stay clean-shaven, I had given up. Hair is becoming a nuisance when driving at highway speeds with the top down.

Selp-Portrait Prague

Exhibit F: December 10, 2004. Shaggy, with two-level beard. (I had started to shave it off, but stopped at a goatee, and now it’s been growing in on the sides.) As I mentioned before, this picture is one of the best of the hundreds of shots I took. I got so close so many times, but never nailed it. This wasn’t my first night shooting myself, but it was the first session with Folly. You won’t be seeing any of those previous results. I got a heck of a lot closer this time than I ever had before. This shot would simply not have been possible with my little digicam.

Looking at the first and last pictures tells me I’ve covered more than just miles. Time has passed, obviously, months of not having my own bed, of quiet solitude punctuated with raucous good times with my friends and family. Months of wearing the same clothes, of living with only what fits in a suitcase. Months of restaurants and bars and of not showering as often as I would have liked. Months of worry, fatigue, peace, and inspiration.

Damn, I’ve got a good life.

Episode 8: The Black Widow

Note: To read the entire story from the beginning click here.

“Drink?” I asked the man sitting across from me. I wondered how long it had been since he’d had to settle for the cheap stuff.

“Thank you, no,” he said. He gestured toward the bottle with his cigar. “But please help yourself.”

I swallowed the “Thank you” before it got out. I had been about to thank him for letting me drink my own booze in my own office. I hoped he didn’t notice my hand tremble as I poured myself a drink. Normally I don’t drink in front of clients, not before I have their money, anyway, but today had been anything but normal.

Like a cornered animal, I tried to take the offensive. “Do you know who pulled the trigger outside Jake’s today?”

“Yes.”

I waited for him to elaborate, but apparently he was done. “Do you know who he was shooting at?” No answer. Cello quietly enjoyed his cigar. “Was it me?”

He exhaled a long plume of smoke. “quid pro quo, Mr. Lowell. I have come to give you information, after which you will owe me a favor. I wouldn’t want you to find yourself too far in debt.” He leaned forward and carefully tapped the ashes off his cigar into the ashtray there. A tidy man, Mr. Cello.

I didn’t like the idea of owing Cello anything. “Perhaps it would be best if you didn’t tell me anything, then.”

“I’m afraid that is not an option,” he said carefully. “You will hear what I have to say and you will do what I ask. You needn’t worry, though. I got to where I am by being able to find the deal in which everyone benefits. You need to hear what I have to tell you, and you will want to do what I ask.”

“I’ve been thinking of moving to San Fran. Maybe today’s the day.”

He smiled gently, almost sadly, and slowly shook his head. “It is no longer your choice to make, Mr. Lowell. Mrs. Fanutti has already decided for you. Would you like to know how I got my name?”

“How much would that cost?”

His smile was more genuine this time. A little. “This, Mr. Lowell, I will give you for free. It will help us work together if you understand a little more about me.” His cigar was little more than a stub, but he continued to smoke it rather than light another. A frugal man, as well. The smoke was filling the room now, it seemed, everywhere except where he sat. “The first man I killed was a musician,” he said.

“Don’t be telling me that. There’s no client-attorney privilege here.”

“Another man has already paid the debt to society for that crime,” he said. “The district attorney would not want the embarrassment of admitting his error.”

“I don’t know. That new guy, Jones, seems pretty gung-ho.”

Cello’s face clouded for just a moment before returning to its usual placid serenity. “As I was saying, Mr. Lowell, he was a musician. His instrument was breathtakingly beautiful. It stirred my soul just to look upon it, and I could hear its sweet, sad voice even as it lay silent next to the man. It was of no interest to the men I worked for at the time, so rather than allowing this work of art to languish in an evidence room or be lost to some meaningless inheritance I took it for myself. Every free moment I spent playing, often through my tears, and I became quite good. My associates found humor in this, and gave me my name. But they are all gone, now, Mr. Lowell, while I am still here. It is because of the cello that I have become what I am.”

“How’s that?”

“It has allowed me to keep my soul, Mr. Lowell, in two ways. One, through the beauty it creates, through the way I feel when I play it. Second, every time I play, I remember that man I killed. I remember his blood. He had been playing when I shot him. I hope to be playing when the bullet finds me.” He shrugged in a surprisingly disarming gesture. “A man has to have a passion, Mr. Lowell, or he will find his life has ended even before he dies.”

I poured myself another glass of passion. As I raised it I looked over the rim at the man sitting across from me, once again neatly cleaning the tip of his cigar stub in the ashtray, concentrating fully on his delicate task. I wondered how many messages were in that story and whether I would ever get them all. “I’ll be sure to catch you next time you’re at the Met,” I said.

“I’ll send you a ticket, should I ever play there,” he said, ignoring my sarcasm. “You can bring your secretary, Alice.” Finally he stubbed out the final remains of his cigar. “But I’m a busy man, as you are about to be as well, so I fear it is time to get down to business. You have probably already concluded that Mrs. Fanutti is not, in fact, an Italian Contessa.”

“Kentucky Contessa would be more like it,” I said.

He chuckled. “Yes, Kentucky Contessa. That is a very fitting label. Vic–Mr. Fanutti–met her while he was arranging the transportation of the quite good bourbon her father was producing. It was somewhat riskier but much more profitable to produce liquor in those days. Apparently Vic was quite swept off his feet by her. It seems he underestimated her. As did I. As did her father. She married Vic and was welcomed into the family. I shared a table with them many times and found Mrs. Fanutti to be intelligent and charming. Eventually she drove her father out of the business, which was fine with me as she proved to be an able business partner, more so than her father had. Eventually her father stepped aside gracefully, and enjoys a peaceful retirement. Her husband did not choose to be pushed aside so easily, and found himself in a car at the bottom of the East River.”

I tried to reconcile this story with the one I’d heard from a frightened woman at Jake’s. There was more to this, I was sure. I had no doubt that if I checked what facts I could in his story they would all be true. Half-truths are the best lies.

“She will be contacting you again. I will not ask you to accept her offer. I don’t need to. I would like you to call this number as you learn more about her activities. In exchange for this information, I will pay you well, and try to keep you alive when the time comes.” He tossed a second card onto my desk. It came to rest perfectly aligned with the first one.

“You want me to double-cross a client?”

“You can wait until she double-crosses you, if you wish. With luck you will still have time to call. Think of that number as an insurance policy, Mr. Lowell. If she never betrays you, you will never have to use it.” He stood, and his perfectly-tailored suit fell into place. I stood as well and still had the advantage of height. Neither of us were fooled into thinking that meant anything. I opened the door for him. He didn’t offer his hand and neither did I. “Good afternoon, Mr. Lowell,” he said.

I had a feeling we would never be on a first-name basis. “So long,” I said. I looked out and saw the big bodyguard stand, still keeping his distance from Alice. “Why did you hire such a dumb bodyguard?” I asked.

This time his smile was real, and cold. “Bruno is full of surprises, Mr. Lowell. I advise you to stop trying to find out what they are.”

Alice shifted her glare from the goon to the boss. As Cello passed her desk he paused and asked. “Do you like Opera, Alice?”

She was surprised enough by the question that she retracted her claws for a moment. “Uh, I don’t know.”

Cello nodded and followed his bodyguard out the door.

“What was that all about?” she asked.

“The opera? He’s a music lover, I guess.”

“You’re not going to be working for him, are you?”

“No.” Not intentionally, anyway. “It’s late. Come on, I’ll buy you supper.” That surprised her more than anything else that had happened.

Tune in next time for: An Unexpected Call!

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Czech Tipping

In Prague, when I tip as much as I do in the US, I am met with looks of stunned amazement. Then they figure I’ve just had too many beers and didn’t know how much money I was giving them.

1

Ahoj, Chargers Fans!

I’m not that big of a sports fan, really. I enjoy watching sports but following teams and reading about sports doesn’t do much for me. Football was created to give people a reason to go to bars on Sunday and hang out with their buddies. Over the course of my time in San Diego I did gradually become a Chargers fan, though. Here in Prague, I haven’t given much thought to American Football, but this morning I decided to pop over to espn.com and see how badly the home team was sucking this year. That they would be sucking was not a question.

Hold on there, Sparky! Since I left the country, the Chargers have won every game! There they are, sitting atop their division. Playoff contenders. Respected by the league. It’s a topsy-turvy world, all right.

Just for giggles, I matched my travel as I wandered around the country with the team’s record. With only one exception, the team lost when I was in San Diego and won when I was elsewhere. So take up a collection, Chargers fans! Operators are standing by, ready to take your donations to the Keep Jerry in Prague Fund. (Please note that past performance is no guarantee of future results—but compared to the Charger’s usual record, don’t you think it’s worth taking a chance?)

In the meantime, čau!

When in Googlopolis, Google

I’ve started compiling this list as I see interesting searches, so it’s less work when the list gets long enough to push out. As usual, certain words are obfuscated by adding spaces so the search engines won’t get distracted and bring people to this page instead of the original.

  • czech holiday cursing – man, I wish I had the answers for the implied question here.
  • picture sex accident – although ‘accident’ describes almost my entire sex life, I have no pictures to prove it. The searcher was drawn to perhaps my most enticing episode title ever: S e x, D e a t h, and Words.
  • 2004 hands hard body – they came here, but I’m not sure how. I couldn’t find myself anywhere in the search.
  • mopar tits – you know the best ones are from NAPA. Just ask B o b b i.
  • beer commercial ideas – when some company plays my brother’s life as a beer commercial, who gets the royalties? But wait! No! This linked to my own sheepdog to cut a cutie out of the herd idea. If this does show up as a beer commercial, you will never hear the end of how it was stolen from me. so let’s all cross our fingers, shall we?
  • pee for distance – oh, man, it tickles me the searches I score high on. In this case a perfectly erudite treatise on ageing by a fellow bar patron.
  • she made me hard – I am honestly perplexed how I scored so high on that search. But the result is worth it. Shae has a wandering soul but a good heart.
  • gatorade sex – I don’t make this up, kids, I just report it.
  • jer’s hat rack plans – just gimme a minute. I’ll work up plans for the bast damn hat rack ever.
  • a list of things to write in others yearbooks – not a list, but a strong suggestion, and the coinage of prenostalgia and postcocious. (OK I admit, I’ve used prenostalgia before that)
  • A Musical Catastrophe – I have to admit, after digging into it farther, I really want to see that movie.
  • put eels in her ass – I almost didn’t include this one, but well, it’s kind of funny.
  • musical instrument powered by gravity kinetic and potential energy – John, I want a design in my desk by Friday.
  • the real King W i n c e s l a s – yes, he was Czech.
  • how to get d r u n k – unbelievable how often people come to me for that advice these days. How to do it quickly, how go do it to other people, and what to do once you get there. Of course, I take no pride at all in scoring high on Google for phrases that include “get d r u n k”. Too much of that and you’ll wind up like this.
  • feminine beer names – someone in the Air Force in Alaska needed to know.
  • in google we trust – the title to another episode like this one has now started drawing attention on its own. It’s all part of my plan to come out at the top when people google “Google”

I’m not sure why, but the word h a r d b o d y has been bringing a lot of people here. Just so you know: my body is not, nor has it ever been, hard.

Squirrel violence searches seem to on the rise, and of course the huevos bring ’em in by the dozen. (Of the last 100 people to visit the site, 18 came on egg searches.) The other usual suspects were all there as well, with bars in O c e a n B e a c h strongly represented in the last week.

Cold Water

The faucet was activated by a foot pedal. I pressed it gently but water gushed forth from the tap and splashed off my hands and all over my clothes. I released the pedal and lifted what little of the cold water I had caught to splash my face. I took a calming breath as I felt the cold bite against my skin. I carefully set my hands on either side of the basin and hung my head. There was no mirror, but I didn’t need one to know what I looked like. The days on the road were written there, their story etched in a language of fatigue and self-reproach.

My knees wobbled, but the basin, cool porcelain anchored to the wall, it’s plumbing hanging naked beneath it, held me. Too many days, too many miles, since innocent sleep. The next sleep that held me would never let me go.

Out there, beyond the fragile wood of the men’s room door, there was a creature sitting at my table, on the plate in front of her an untouched slice of pizza. I had not known I was ordering for two, but I had not been surprised when she arrived. If you run long enough, you forget what it is you’re running from. My memory is blessedly short. She was out there now, sipping her blood-red wine, looking at her pizza with distaste, and not wondering in the least what was keeping me.

I thought, briefly, about finding a way to slip out the back, but that would have left her with the bill, and that wouldn’t be right. She knew I was trapped, that’s why she wouldn’t worry if I took a long time. I could feel her out there. I could feel the heat of her, the unnatural power she held. After all my time running, demons nipping at my heels, it was no coincidence that she chose my table to sit at. She might not have felt the levers of fate at work, but they were there. In that way the instrument of my demise might be innocent of the destruction she brings.

I had been sitting, listening to the band tune up. The bartender said they were good. I’ve learned to trust bartenders. The bandleader had carefully set his guitar in its rack and stepped up to the mike. “We’ll kick it off in fifteen,” he said before switching it off. It was a Tuesday, but the place was starting to fill. A good sign for the music, but I was beginning to feel guilty as my pizza and I dominated one of the few larger tables. I began to plan my retreat. I don’t like to take up more than my fair share of space.

“Can I sit here?” she asked.

“Sure,” I said, before I looked at her. Seeing her wouldn’t have changed my answer, it would only have made me afraid sooner. My flight was over. “Have some pizza,” I said.

“Thanks,” she said and flagged down the waitress with disturbing ease. “Another plate and your wine list please.”

“We got Cab, Merlot, and Chardonnay,” the waitress said.

“Merlot, then, please,” my guest said. The fact that I knew what she was going to order didn’t make me feel any better. The wine and the plate arrived and she regarded the pizza for the first time. “Is that egg?” she asked, poking at the slice on her plate dubiously.

“Yeah. Egg, ham and peppers.” I looked at the pie. “I ate all the peppers already,” I added apologetically, indicating the stems at the side of my plate.

She started to say one thing, then said another. “Can you help me?”

Any hope I had of escape vanished when she asked me that. Trapped by some archaic sense of chivalry, the captive of my own mistaken ideas, betrayed by my own hormones, I heard the chorus offstage, beseeching me to change my path, but I could no more deny my nature than Antigone or Oedipus. The only difference was that my tragic chorus was inside my head. There was nothing left but to go through the motions, doomed from the start. All the running, all the hiding, the embrace of anonymity and the erasure that the road provides were no more. I was found, and I was made.

“I’ll try,” I said.

“Just pretend you know me.”

“I do know you.”

“What?”

“Does your boyfriend know if you like eggs on your pizza?”

“He’s not my boyfriend anymore.”

I knew that. It was in the script. “Does he know?”

She looked at me for the first time. Wondering what she had got herself into, no doubt. “I don’t know,” she said.

“Well, then. We already know each other better than that.” I didn’t know her name, and I didn’t want to. A simple label would have undermined the intimacy. It would have, perhaps, given me a handle on her that I could have used to escape.

She reached across and took my hand in both of hers. Her cool touch sent a shiver through me. I was amazed that my hoary old skin could even feel softness like that any more, but the contact stopped my heart. Her fingertips gently explored my battered and abused hand without her direct knowledge, and the delicacy of them amazed me. I lifted my gaze from her hands to her eyes.

“Nature calls,” I choked out. “Be right back.”

Bella Roma

I’ve gotten some good stuff done there lately. There’s still some stuff to work out in The Monster Within, but I made some serious progress tonight. There was a pacing issue at the end where it when bang-bang! and now it goes bang, rest, rest, blammo!

That’s the idea, anyway. I still have to finish writing it.

There is a Gambrinus shortage here. At the grocery store yesterday, no Gambrinus. That’s OK, there are plenty of other beers and I like to experiment. There’s one beer that’s not so great, but it’s not bad, and a half-liter bottle costs twenty-five friggin’ cents. I got one of those and a few others that cost marginally more, splurging for the Budvar.

Tonight on the way home from Roma I stopped at the little beer store on the corner (New beer run – start with no pants and no shoes. Put on shoes (pants optional), grab two empties and head out. Throw both bolts on the flat door. Elevator optional on the way down. Unlock and relock both doors in front. Sprint to the beer store on the corner. Trade in the two empty bottles and twenty-nine crowns for two full Gambrinuses. Yeah, that’s pricy compared to the grocery store two blocks away but this is a beer run. Return home, negotiating all four locks. No elevator on the way back up. Timer stops when one beer is in the fridge and the other in the freezer for rapid cooling.) and they were out of Gambrinus as well. Choices were limited, so I scooped up a pair of Pilsner Urquell. In general at the store there’s either a kind of grumpy guy (he may not be grumpy at all, he might be telling me all kinds of funny stuff in his gruff voice for all I know) or there’s a woman who calls to another woman in the back for everything she does. Tonight I got some kid. He asked me “blah, bllah blah?” which I think is “Are you returning any bottles?” because the only time they don’t ask me anything is when I return bottles, I made a sweeping negative gesture, he nodded and punched 27 into the register. 27 isn’t a bad price for tow of these beers, considering it’s not the grocery store. Then he hit the button again and I was staring a 54. Two bucks. For two beers. Granted, they were good beers, and large, but I’ve gotten used to paying a lot less, and I’m not going back baby, not in this country. Still, I bought the beers. But just for tonight.

Today must have been some sort of special Sunday. Start of Advent? I thought that should have already happened. On my way home from the bar I met a group of happy kids, dressed like angels and stuff, lighting off really big firecrackers. I had heard distant reports, and then when I was walking past the group I saw that several of them had fingers in their ears. Suddenly, KAPOW! The little bomb went off even as the kids were lighting the next one. Oh, I miss those days. Wher I got to the building there was a van parked on the sidewalk outside, and they were unloading christmas decorations. Apparently we get the christmas cheer here as of tonight.

Working back in time, I observed tonight that when frost and fashion collide, fashion wins. A couple came into the bar while I was writing. The guy looked like he had just come off the windswept tundra; he was wearing an enormous parka with a hood. He was with a tall blonde wearing her kicky little leather jacket over tight-fitting jeans, with a little midriff exposed when she held herself just right, which she did most of the time. I’m not sure they were actually a couple, because while he went to the back part of the restaurant she hung out at the bar, preventing me from writing for quite a while. But my point still stands.

So, uh, happy advent or whatever. Any excuse to blow things up!

Important Notice

Just a quick note (there’s been a lot of those lately, haven’t there?) that due to an unprecedented spike in squirrel chatter and some very disturbing news out of Toronto the Suicide Squirrel Watch Center has raised the alert level to RED (psychotic) worldwide and to the previously unheard-of MAGENTA in Toronto. Those of you who recall the movie Infra-Man (NTSC VHS is apparently very rare now, and goes for as much as $195. That, in itself, is appalling.) will understand the severity of high magenta levels.

Post-NaNoWriMo blues

The days after I crossed the 50K words mark, and thus became a winner of NaNoWriMo once again, it was very hard for me to motivate myself to write anything—or do anything else, for that matter. I puttered around the flat, thinking of all the useful things I could be doing, and not doing them. I could be practicing czech. I could be doing laundry. I could be going out and walking around my new city. I could be taking pictures. Most of all, I could be writing. I did manage, on the last day, to crank out a fast-forward version of the second half of the story, and I’m glad I did. Not so much for the illusion of “closure” that people find so important these days, but just because I proved I could overcome inertia and shift my lazy ass to keep working on a lame-duck novel. To do it just for the doing of it.

It’s an odd sort of melancholy I have, triggered, ironically, by success. Having devoted so much of my brain to such a prodigious output, especially considering that this year the first week was pretty much a write-off because of travel, and having parts of the result that actually didn’t suck, I am overall pleased with the work that will now vanish forever in the “to be finished” bin.

Every year I feel a letdown as the feverish energy leaves me, only this year the fever left early. Maybe that means the post-nano period will end early as well.

Now comes the time for me to prove my theorem that I have what it takes to be an independent writer/programmer (in that order) here in Prague. I have set goals for myself, just as real as the November ones, but without thousands of other people shooting for the same goal with a great forum for sharing victories, woes, and whatever else is on their mind. November is the Boston marathon; the other eleven months are a solo run around the world. Maybe not solo—slowly I’m finding other people who are doing the same dumb thing, and I’m trying to learn to let them help me and help them in return. I’m so accustomed to doing this thing alone, though, that’s it’s a slow adjustment.

I have a tradition now that on December 1st I read a book as a way to get away from any sort of creative activity after the full-court-press that is November. This year it was A Million Open Doors, by John Barnes. Bill loaned me the book, and it’s pretty good. Interesting characters, interesting culture clash, and people who can change and grow. Overall, a good read.

Now I have to get back to The Monster Within. One sure way to beat the blues: finish something.

Attention, Amazon Shoppers!

Well, I think that my media empire is filled with a pretty literate lot, and many of you probably frequent Amazon.com quite a bit already. Here’s the deal. If you’re going to buy something from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate if you’d start by clicking the link from here. You don’t have to, no biggie, but if you do, I get a microscopic slice of the pie. It beats working for a living.

There is a more permanent (and much less obnoxious) link in the sidebar, which just says “Buy books, help Jer”. If you want to bookmark it (and of course you do!) you need to save the link, not the page it takes you to. For those using a decent browser, you should be able to just drag the link right off this page to your bookmarks.

In Heaven There Is No Hockey

I was watching a hockey game at a bar the other day. The home team scored a goal, and of course the place went nuts. They showed the crowd waving huge banners, and there, up in front, was a guy with a full-sized accordion. Must be the Czech Republic.

I haven’t decided who to root for yet – I want to make sure I don’t accidentally become a Yankees fan.