A Night With the Womenfolk

Those who don’t want to read me droning on about my day may wish to skip to the #—> symbol below. That’s where the story actually begins.

It was a productive day – I spent the morning recording audio as a test to see if I was qualified for a new “job” — reading texts out loud to help a professor somewhere with his research. The pay is insignificant, but I like the idea that I’m helping out. Of course, the first recording session is always the most complicated, and it wound up taking most of my morning. Next time (if I pass this test) will be much easier. I was reading about the history of mathematics, and the subject is actually quite interesting, so that’s all right.

Next came some tweaks to the upcoming release of Jer’s Novel Writer, which promises to be a small but tangible step forward in utility. One or two fewer things to think about when working, and support for the newfangled gestures that the latest macs support. (None of my equipment does, which makes debugging a crapshoot.)

Next it was out on the town with fuego; we both had computer hardware to buy. I needed an external drive that I could use to boot my laptop into the latest version of the mac operating system while leaving the old-school install intact. It would be cheaper to wait until I get to the US to buy it, but I need to make sure I can maintain the software before I leave.

#—> (don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything)

Hardware purchased, we stopped off at a café to get some writing done – me on my novel package for the writing workshop, fuego on some advertising copy he’s been hired to write. “You’re invited to dinner,” he told me. Thinking of the barren wasteland that is my refrigerator at home, I gladly accepted. fuego exchanged messages with the missus and I was committed. It was a while later that fuego told me “Oh, by the way, MaK’s mom and a friend of hers will be there.”

Hm. I like my brother’s mother-in-law, she’s a cool lady, but this night was starting to sound like more than I was prepared to handle. “I expect they’ll just cluster around the kid and we can escape unnoticed,” fuego said, or something to that effect. We stopped by the store on the way for beer and cheese, then headed up to their apartment. Already there was a mother and daughter, neither of whom fuego or I had been warned about.

Fast forward. I’m sitting at the kitchen table in a very small apartment, watching the women gathered around MaK as she cleans the baby’s butt. The conversation is about baby poop, in czech. I am not in my element.

Skip forward a little farther. MaK produces a table that lists the time of every feeding the baby has ever had. The older women are impressed. “They’re not like us,” fuego says, but not in exactly those words, although one of the womenfolk, whom I’d met once before, is quite a charismatic lady. We hadn’t counted on her when we figured how many beers to bring.

Join me in another hop forward in time as I witness jealousy among the women toward the one who is currently holding the baby. When I’m holding a child, I’m am thinking nothing except “please oh please don’t let me break this thing.” Apparently something on the missing leg of the Y-chromosome is capable of convincing one that holding a tiny helpless thing that you could kill by sneezing is relaxing. Therapeutic, even.

Not long after that, the baby was asleep (despite periodic checks by enthusiastic fans) and I sat and listened to the flow of conversation. I understood more than I expected, but even if I had been able to form sentences in a timely manner I would have remained quiet. It was not my conversation, and the language it was conducted in was not the largest obstacle. Soon after I was expressing my regret that I had to go. Yes, sadly, I had no choice. Things to do and whatnot. You understand. They certainly did.

Já, robot

I, Robot the film with Will Smith in it is on TV right now. I’ve never seen the movie in English, but I had heard that it wasn’t very much like the short story collection by Isaac Asimov. All I can say is that unless there’s some dialog that really doesn’t match the action on the screen, the title is the only thing the two have in common. The bit I watched was much closer to Terminator 2 than it was to anything that ever came from Asimov’s pen. Gone is the graceful economy of the writer’s storytelling style. The original stories presented a series of intellectual challenges; problems that were solved with cleverness and occasionally personal risk, but none of these ridiculous flurries of hyper-accelerated violence.

And maybe it’s the small screen, but the cinematography in the action scenes I watched was crappy too. Absurdly, forehead-slappingly over the top, which could possibly be forgivable if it weren’t so badly done. So, if there’s anyone else out there who has not seen the movie, well, don’t bother. Read the stories instead.

Hats Off to Belarus

The world hockey championships are underway. Sixteen teams make it to the dance, and four of those are quickly eliminated. (They play amongst themselves to give the people who flew over the atlantic their money’s worth.) Belarus could have been one of those rapidly eliminated teams; but in the first round they succeeded in frightening a couple of good teams and soundly beating another. They have moved on.

In the next round, they have played the Russians and the Czechs. Both of those teams are better, both of those teams should have beat the Belorussians easily. But no. These guys, while the great powers were skating circles around them, blocked goals and jumped on opportunities. I feel bad for their goalie; twice now he has held back the barbarian hordes in regular time, making save after save, to give up the win in the shootout. Belarus is next to last in the group, despite skating to a virtual draw with two of the top teams in the tournament.

So I hope, hockey fans, that when this is over, that we do not forget those valiant undergogs, an overachieving team that damn near turned the tournament upside-down. And the games aren’t over yet; they still have a chance to make waves.

A Couple of Thoughts About Star Trek

On the starship Enterprise they have one hell of a computer. I thought about it today watching someone work their iPhone. The Enterprise had even more computing power than that, way back in the ’60’s. Not bad.

But here’s something that’s bothered me for a couple of decades now. At one point Spok plays chess with the computer and wins. Since Spok was the one who taught the computer to play chess, and he gave the computer all his chess knowledge, that he could beat the computer proved that the computer had been tampered with. Which has always made me wonder: Why the hell did Spok play chess? Apparently the idea that he could get better at the game, gain new insight and thus be able to beat his own program, is unthinkable. So, if he’s not going to get better, if he’s just exercising the same algorithms that he programmed into the computer, why bother?

An unplanned bonus Star Trek beef: some of the guys are freezing to death on a planet. The transporter is doing wacky stuff. Shuttle, anyone? You know the writers were taking a bunker attitude, hoping no one would think of that.

Missing on the Star Trek crew: the IT guy. There are hints now and then, when someone messes with the computer (and I must say that the ‘mess with the computer’ scenarios are already coming true), but you’ve got a guy in charge of the warp drives but no one dedicated to the computer. I haven’t spent much time with the Star Trek progeny, but in The Next Generation the guy in charge or the computer was a computer, which in the end begs the question. The deep space galctica Enterprise prequel thing I’ve not seen any of, so I can’t comment there.

Note that Galaxy Quest, one hell of a fine movie, casts Sigourny Weaver as the IT babe, though her IT role is somewhat limited – she is the interface between man and machine. Presumably, in the Galaxy Quest universe, the computer respects her intellect over all others. That’s how I spin it, anyway.

The Morning that Tea Forgot

I woke up yesterday feeling chipper, but as the day wore on I felt worse and worse. I had to pass on a train ride last night; some folks I know are in Brno today touring a hot-air balloon factory, and then they are going to Slovakia for the first-ever Slovak Balloon Fiesta. I might try to catch up with them. At least I have an appetite again; we’ll see how lunch treats me.

And tea. This has been a Morning of No Tea. More exactly, a morning of no electricity, but the tea angle is the one I feel the most. I knew that this morning was coming; I had two sheets of paper waiting for me on the stairs last week. The first said the electricity would be off today starting at 8 am, to be restored in the evening. The second notice said the electricity would be off tomorrow, and the time estimates were blacked out with a felt pen.

I awoke this morning to a banging sound downstairs, and after determining that I was up for the task I got up and checked my computer. 8:02 am. I knew my time was limited, so I decided to… poof. It doesn’t matter what I was going to do, because there was going to be no doing of it.

No hot water (even my gas water heater requires electricity to run), no computers (and therefore no morning Web comics, no checking for bug reports for Jer’s Novel Writer, or any of that), and no electric kettle. I could have made tea on the stove, but instead I just went back to bed. I thought I’d snooze for a while, then go catch the American breakfast at Café Fuzzy. Suddenly it was 11 am and there was no more breakfast to be caught. I lounged around for a bit longer but I’d been in bed so long my back was complaining. Man, can’t catch a break some days. I decided to get out of the house.

It was nice to get out, despite the light rain; the wind was fresh enough to carry the petals off the fruit trees, adding a festive feel to the day, and the little park was quiet. Definitely a spring rain, no need for a jacket, and shorts were the obvious choice. I made my way to U Kormidla, where I write this, sipping my second cup of tea and now with the lunch special (chicken steak with cheese and bacon) negotiating with my stomach. The outcome, I’m sorry to say, is still uncertain. From here I will walk back up the hill to find a spot at Little Café Near Home, where they have electricity in abundance, and lately some very good tea.

Acerbia in Space

I woke up through a dream this morning, which gave me a chuckle that lasted all day. I think I called him Cassius in a previous episode, but that doesn’t matter; those who know this character get an extra bonus chuckle. The dream unfolded like this:

A buddy and I were visiting Cassius, who was looking after an orbital space habitat while the owners were away. It turns out there’s not much to do when you’re just revolving around the Earth like that, but we were hanging out, having a beer or two, and generally enjoying ourselves. We were playing some game that involved throwing things when the garbage lady showed up.

The garbage lady was a hillbilly-looking girl in stained overalls, her blonde hair was long and unwashed. A grubby baseball cap was pulled down over her eyes. She didn’t say much, just went about performing a perfunctory garbage-collection job. I felt a cold draft. I looked, and sure enough she hadn’t closed the hatch all the way, and our air was escaping out into space.

“Um… hello?” Cassius said to the garbage lady, “Yeah, I’m going to be here for another eight months, and that oxygen is going to come in real handy. Thanks.”

1

Mars! Hell Yeah!

The following is a script for a video I plan to enter in the Virgle contest to become a crew member on a Mars expedition.

Yeah, I know, the announcement came out in an April first-ish timeframe, and if the boosters were really under construction already I think I would have heard of it, and I don’t think robotics are up to the tasks expected of them in the plan, but you know what? I don’t care about any of that. Why not? Because I’m going to Mars, buddy.

Anyway, here’s the first draft of the script for my application, which will be posted on YouTube:

Mars! Hell yeah! Gas up the boosters and fasten your seatbelts, because we’ve been stuck on this rock way too long already. However, the mission to Mars is doomed without me.

Sure, I know a Higgs boson from a flux capacitor, and I know my way around computers, and I’ve succeeded in leadership positions in the past, but that’s not why Mars needs me. Virgle needs a writer, and I am the man for the job.

Whether on the back roads of America or the twisting cobbled alleys of Prague, I have spent the last several years wandering, exploring the mysteries of our planet and reporting them back to an eager public. It is more than journalism; the words must carry with them the mystery and wonder of forgotten places and the people who inhabit them. Facts are abundant these days, information ubiquitous; what is required of the writer on the Virgle mission is to convey understanding, following the progress of the first pioneers, watching as the true Martian culture develops. That is what I do.

I haven’t timed the above yet; the video is supposed to be 30 seconds. I think mine is a bit too long, and I never even got to my value as a defender of the arts in a culture that will by necessity be run by engineers at first. I never even got to say “I was born to live in lava tubes.” Oh, well; some cutting will be required, and other parts are probably awkward (hard to tell seconds after writing it). Any suggestions are welcome. Meanwhile, wish me luck!

Sparta v. Slavia

So, a while back I mentioned watching a fotbol (rhymes with soccer) match between the two local teams. It was a fairly typical match except for when the bomb went off. Sure you had massive smoke screens in parts of the stands, and the occasional flare, but that’s all to be expected.

Today the two teams played again, and once again there was plenty going on in the stands. At one point they were showing a corner kick, but my eyes were drawn to the stands behind, where fireworks were going off louly enough to reverberate around the stadium, pop-pop-pop with bright flashes of light. On the track that surrounds the field fireman were rushing around with buckets to carry off flaming debris, and the riot police were preparing for a charge. At one point conditions got so bad that play stopped and the referee warned the coaches that (I assume) they could be penalized for the behavior of their fans. Meanwhile the clock kept ticking, meaning the team that was ahead benefitted from the violence.

The game itself was not terribly exciting. Maybe that’s part of the problem.

Now I’m watching Hockey, a civilized sport. This is the seventh and deciding semifinal game between HC Slavia Praha and my favorite Liberec White Tigers (rhymes with Bílí Tig?í). The winnerr goes to the championship, and from what I’ve seen both these teams are stronger than the two remaining in the other bracket. The bad guys scored early and it was not until Les Tigres had to kill a penalty that they started to play. This is not unusual for them; perhaps they should just start the game a man down.

I guess I should get back to writing now.

Why We Dream

There are many theories about why people dream and what significance (if any) those dreams have. This morning I had a dream that may shed some insight into the field. (Incidentally, this week’s Piker Press has a story that ponders this question as well.)

This morning I had a dream in which I was in a busy office, waiting my turn to talk to the overworked woman sitting behind a desk. I overheard two Americans in Prague (incidentally, I think they were executives at a company I used to work for, but that’s neither here nor there) having the following conversation:

American in Prague 1: How’s it going?
American in Prague 2: Not bad. Last night I went running. It’s been a long time, but it felt great!

My new favorite theory about dreams is that they are to help you accept all the bizarre things you see in your daily life. Dreams are often really crazy because frequently you have to make sense of the most bizarre events in the waking world. Take the above dream, for instance. It was in no doubt a response to a frightning, downright unsettling thing I saw last night. I saw someone running.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen people run here in the past. Sometimes it can be quite comical — those little old ladies can really move when they need to — but in general if you show you’re making an effort the tram driver will wait for you.

But last night was different. There was no tram nearby, no bus stop. The person was dressed in sweats and was cruising through my neighborhood at a measured pace. I accepted this image as something beyond my comprehension; perhaps somewhere the dream part of my brain was telling the waking part “don’t worry, I’ll come up with something later” so that the waking brain could continue to function. How many times does the dream brain make that promise each day?

So then the dream. The most important part of the explanation: the runner was American. There aren’t many of them in this neighborhood, but it explains the rest. Dream brain came through once again.

Wait Five Minutes

When I sat down to eat lunch, it was snowing hard outside. Big fluffy snowflakes filled the air, swirling in the wind. I was happy to see it; I kind of feel like we got gypped as far as winter is concerned. By the time I was finished with my soup, the sky was blue and empty, the sun shining down with a hard-edged clarity.

That’s been the way of things here lately. Man, I’m glad I’m not trying to shoot a movie outdoors in this weather, like some people I know. Getting consistent light would be nigh-on impossible.

Congratulations, Cead Mile Office Holder

Amid much anticipation and hullabaloo, Muddled Ramblings and Half-Baked Ideas had it’s 100,003rd visitor. And who, you ask, is the dedicated and enterprising individual who secured this honor?

It was not That Girl, despite her best efforts. When the count was at 100,001 she had a friend visit, then she came to visit immediately after that. It should have worked, but in the few seconds between her friend loading the page and her own arrival, someone else dropped by and stole the honor right out from under her.

This fortunate individual was not an Egg Friar; indeed, the person in question did not arrive as the result of a search at all. I think I know who the individual was, but in cases of this importance it’s best to make sure. So, here’s what we know of visitor 100,003:

  • The person was connected through cybermesa, a Northern New Mexico outfit.
  • The person was running Firefox on Windows 98 (that will slim things down a lot)
  • The visitor in question arrived via bookmark or typing Muddled Ramblings into the browser, not through a link
  • The person came by to visit around 6pm their time, only looked at the front page, and left without saying “I won! I won!”

As I said, I think I know who the mystery visitor is, but I don’t want to announce it without confirmation first. Things like this should not be taken lightly.

Welcome to the World, Mr. Seeger

I’m a bit late in announcing this, but on March 5th fuego and MaK became parents, and the name Seeger found a Y-chromosome to hang itself on, to survive another generation. The little guy was impatient to get out and get going in the world, perhaps a bit too impatient for his own good. Everything’s going fine, however; the lad’s still in the hospital but they tend to keep the kids longer here even when they’re healthy. MaK has passed her training and is thus allowed to leave.

So, welcome to planet Earth, Zoe Lee Seeger. MaK insists that Zoe is a perfectly fine boy’s name, and, well, with she insists on something, that’s about the end of the discussion. fuego is standing behind her, as is right and proper, but there has been discussion of potential nicknames. (In the hospital, the nurses decided to label him with his middle name.)

fuego speaks highly of the hospital and staff, and I hope he got a picture of z-Dawg in the shopping cart he was being kept in.

Please join me in throwing best wishes in the direction of the new arrival and his family.

Time to give up?

‘Login’ is a noun (or sometimes and adjective). ‘Log in’ is the verb. Thus, ‘Click here to login’ is incorrect. (Backup is a similar story.)

I have, in the past, pointed this out to folks, but I think I’m going to give up. More and more major corporations with the resources to hire people who know what they’re doing are using ‘to login’. The one that hurts the most is not a major corporation, however, it’s Writing.com.

I tell myself that this is just the natural process of the evolution of the language, but in this particular case it bugs me beyond any rational explanation. I guess we all have our language peeves, and it’s time to let go of mine. Instead I’ll climb on my motor-cycle, go down to the base ball game and heckle the numpire.

Happy Ground Squirrel Day!

Ah, Ground Squirrel Day, one of my favorite days of the year. How do you celebrate? Do you get your ground squirrel from the butcher’s shop or do you go old school and catch them yourself at the local park? Ground Squirrel Day isn’t celebrated as widely in the Czech Republic; the first squirrels or spring have yet to emerge from their winter dens.

I miss those times when I was a kid, sitting around the ol’ squirrel grinder. These days, it doesn’t seem like the holiday has the same innocent charm.

Muddled Calendar Notes

I’d been planning to commemorate leap day with this episode, but I forgot. Over on the right-hand side of the page you can find the holiday ticker, which counts down upcoming holidays. It gives the date in two systems, the old-fashioned Gregorian way (April 2th) and the Muddled Age date (4:0).

The muddled calendar is based on the date I first started my nomadic life. I got the Fed-Ex from the escrow company declaring me formally homeless, loaded up my car, and drove away. A couple of interesting notes:

  • The Muddled Calendar is zero-based. Once adopted, we will be done with those annoying people who said that the year 2000 wasn’t really the millenium.
  • The Muddled Calendar is more accurate than the Gregorian. That old calendar is based on a solar year of 365.2425 days, while the Muddled calendar has a year of 365.2422 days. If the world doesn’t adopt the Muddled Age Calendar by the year 4909, there’s going to be trouble. The MuddleCal is off by 0.000001 days, and I figure by the time that matters, tidal drag will have lengthened the day anyway.

Still, there are a couple of things that might slow the adoption of the Muddled Calendar. Once we clear these things up, Global adoption should be a piece of cake.

  • It has no months, or other structures that give one a sense of the season. Without losing the pure numbering system, it would be nice to have segments of the year (probably based on equinoxes and whatnot)
  • The calendar needs a catchy name. That’s critical in this day and age. The seasonal segments should have catchy names as well.
  • Finally, in the muddled calendar, the special “2th” holidays lose their poetic anchor.

So, while a couple of challenges remain, I think the obvious advantages of the MuddleCal will one day make it the way we all track time.