The Unlikely Ones

I just finished reading a fantasy novel, and I really enjoyed it. In some ways it was a lot like other fantasy novels, but it was very different in several important ways.

It starts with the Unlikely Ones themselves. They are an odd assortment, seven souls brought together by the evil of a witch, bound to a quest to free them from the tyranny of her enchantments.

Ho, hum. Another Quest Story. But… consider. One of the seven is a fish. Another is a Toad. There is a gallant knight, and a lady fair broken and twisted young girl named Thing, along with a crippled kitten, a flightless raven, and a lovelorn unicorn who has lost his horn.

This quest is personal. None wish to change the world; they wish merely to be relieved of their burdens, to return to a normal life.

The setting of the story is England. Some kind of mystical between-the-ages England, but definitely not any sort of Middle Earth thing. I would like to go back and review the story and connect the events in the book with actual places. Because I’m absolutely confident the writer of this story had the full Ordinance Survey at her disposal while she pulled the party from place to place.

Back to the story. It is a play in three acts, clearly delineated by the chapter titles. At the beginning, just like in every fantasy tale, the questers come together. Even here, things aren’t completely according to script because, well… I’m not going to tell you. But you know how Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy starts with the world being destroyed? There’s a bit of that here, too, with one of the main staples of the quest story getting wrapped up right at the get-go.

The second act is perhaps the most predictable, as the unlikely ones are bound to each other, and Thing falls in love with the knight, and each of the seven must past a test of courage, or quick thought, or what have you. Before this stage of the quest is over, it is apparent to them that the quest has been specifically designed this way, so by the last test everyone knows whose turn it is. Which is kind of nice, because as readers we see it coming a mile away, and it would be disappointing if the characters in the story were too stupid to see the pattern as well.

The thing I most like about this story, however, is that victory has a cost. The story doesn’t end with the completion of the quest; there is a final movement in the book in which we watch the Unlikely Ones, no longer united by purpose, quietly return to lives suited to their various species. The world moves on, the ordinary triumphs.

I believe the book is targeted at young adults, but there is some “mature content” (rhymes with penises). I think some of Thing’s self-image issues would resonate more with a 15-year-old girl than with a 50-something male engineer, as we all wait for Conn to see her how she really is.

Overall, a mighty good read. A quest story that keeps things personal, avoiding the tiresome “Quest for the Important Thing to Defeat the Evil Guy” mold, but for that, perhaps more poignant.

Note: if you use the above links to buy this book (or a $1000 Generic Men’s 3D Print Skeleton Playing Guitar T-shirt), I get a kickback.

4

Email Security 101: A Lesson Yet Unlearned

So it looks like the Russians are doing their best to help proudly racist Trump, by stealing (and perhaps altering) emails passed between members of the Democratic National Committee. It seems like the Democratic party preferred the candidate who was actually part of the party over a guy hitching his wagon to the Democrats to use that political machine as long as it was convenient to him.

But that’s not the point of this episode.

The point is this: Had the Democrats taken the time to adopt email encryption, this would not have happened. When the state department emails were hacked, the same criticism applies.

It is possible to:

  1. Render email unreadable by anyone but the intended recipient
  2. Make alteration of emails provably false

But nobody does it! Not even people protecting state secrets. I used to wonder what email breach was going to be the one that made people take email security seriously. I’m starting to think, now, that there is no breach bad enough. Even the people who try to secure email focus on the servers, when it’s the messages that can be easily hardened.

There is no privacy in email. There is no security in email. But there could be. Google could be the white hat in this scenario, but they don’t want widespread email encryption because they make money reading your email.

Currently only the bad guys encrypt their emails, because the good guys seem to be too fucking stupid.

Our Next Vice-President

According to John Kaisch, Trump’s kid told him point-blank that if he were Trump’s vice-president, he would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy. In other words, he would have had all the responsibilities of an actual president. Trump, presumably, would be off pounding vodka with Vladimir Putin*.

Kaisch said no. He pretty much hates everything Trump stands for. And since he is governor of Ohio, a state Trump must carry, when he says no it hurts.

I’ve said it before: Trump has no interest in being president, he only wants to become president. So it’s not hard to get from there to assuming that a vote for Donald Trump is actually a vote for Mike Pence. Just as evil, but perhaps at least somewhat competent. So there’s that bit of sunshine if you feel compelled to vote for a racist fear-mongering bigot out of some misguided impression that he is in some way “conservative”. (Pro tip: Trump is not conservative.)

Then there was the handing of the announcement of the Republican VP nominee. It was botched, badly, while Trump spun in indecision and tried to weasel out at the last minute. Another display of the general incompetence of the “best people” (mostly his children) that Trump has gathered around himself.

On the other side of the ticket, the Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee is going to be interesting. There are rumblings that it might be Elizabeth Warren, but given her full-frontal tweet attacks on Drumpf and pals I don’t think it will be her. She’s the attack dog now, and although Clinton has said she wants that in a VP, I think ultimately the campaign will look better if the attack dog is not on the ticket.

Also: I don’t think Warren likes Clinton that much. She hates Trump far more, sure, and she’ll go attack-dog for the party, and she knows that the party will remember. The Democrats at this point have their shit together way more than the Republicans do. Those super delegates the Bernie crowd complains about? This is how you get them, by helping win elections for others.

Don’t be surprised if Warren is our second female president. But personally I’d be surprised if she was Vice President first.

One common qualification for Vice President is hailing from a key swing state. That’s why Trump wanted Kaisch. Warren is from Massachusetts; Clinton will need no help winning there. She needs someone who can deliver her a critical state in the upcoming election. A place like Florida, or… Ohio… Someone who can balance the ticket and reach across to disenfranchised conservatives. Someone who has a track record of standing up to Trump, who puts ideals over ambition.

Someone like John Kaisch. Now, wouldn’t that be something?

————
*Putin would rapidly tire of Trump, and ultimately, while janked up on benzedrine, cocaine, and Viagra, would shoot the POTUS just so he could say he did.

I Agree with the Republicans about One Thing

At the convention the delegates on the floor are getting all frothed up. One of the signs they’ve been given to wave around reads, “We deserve better.”

Yes you do, Republicans. You deserve better. But you hitched your wagon to a racist xenophobe child-king and now we have to embarrass your whole party as monumentally as possible to make sure you grow the backbone to not be railroaded again.

1

Knives Episode 17 released.

keIr8jbMXxmru4jF8SmZgLewEQsJqeLDjbPX7mnqvHXuQ641S02V6HFty34Ricip_large_2
Episode 17 is ready to read! Martin may not be at his most lyrical, but you have to cut a guy some slack when his intestines have been rearranged. Kat makes a decision that catches everyone by surprise, with the possible exception of Bags, and Baldwin tries to convince me that he has a place in the larger narrative.

Behind the scenes, there were a couple of links that weren’t working, but everything should be hunky-dory now. Let me know if you have problems. This theme isn’t working quite as awesomely with iPad as it was alleged to; I’m still poking at that.

And, as always, a big thank-you to my patrons. This wouldn’t be happening without you.

Episode 17: The Cost of a Small Victory

A Few Random Thoughts about That Pokémon Thing

A game that gets people out of their houses and interacting with one another is a good thing. If all those Farmville players (or whatever the last Big Thing was) actually start talking to other humans, that’s a win. Apparently people are discovering that exercise is a side effect of the game. But…

More of the zombies in the graveyard were in cars tonight. Kind of undoes the good of the previous paragraph, and accelerates global warming at the same time. So far, there’s been a copilot zombie in each car, holding the phone, but we’ll see how long that lasts.

This may be the first real game-changer in the internet era that wasn’t funded and first used by the porn industry.

I think my next novel will be about a serial killer who lights houses on fire and then hacks people’s phones to put rare Pokémon prizes inside the inferno.

On that topic, who decides where PokéThings go? Is it some massive computer algorithm that is gathering unprecedented data on human behavior? I think I have my novel after the next one. Pokémon Go is like SkyNet, except instead of trying to wipe out humanity, it will just lead them around chasing colorful little monsters, unwittingly doing the AI’s legwork, pointing their cameras were the PokéBeast wants to see.

Or maybe the next Augmented Reality game will be Grand Theft Auto Go. Steal that Ferrari and deliver it to this address and level up!

Will our phones put little Pikachus next to the Trump button in the voting stalls? Or will people just forget to put their phones down and cast their vote while Google watches? So many questions…

1

Looking for the Joke with a Microscope

I was thinking about the movie Repo Man the other day, and a song got stuck in my head. I mean, really wedged in there.

“It could be worse,” I hear you all say. “The soundtrack to Repo Man is epic.” And it is. I could have “TV Party” running circles in my brain, or “Pablo Picasso”. But no, the song that keeps popping back up in my head is not on the soundtrack, even though it is an integral part of one scene. Someone even gets beat up for singing it.

Yep, I’m Feeling 7-up.

1

The Apocalypse has Arrived

I bicycle through a cemetery every day. It’s peaceful. Today, however, the place was filled with zombies. I think you know what kind.

1

Knives 16 Published

Yep, that’s right, Episode 16 is out, and it’s a big one! We meet the Soul Thieves, and no one is ready for the confrontation that follows — not even the Soul Thieves. The good guys probably won’t catch them so unprepared next time. Fun question: did Elena get her wish?

From a writer’s standpoint, I made some promises in this episode. After today, Martin will be angry one more time, and it will be cataclysmic. But until then we can count on him keeping a level head and killing people only for entirely rational reasons.

Thanks as always to my supporters; you guys rock.

The episode

I Probably didn’t Hear that Right…

I’m at a bar, and a regular was leaving, and I could swear the bartender said, “Be careful; it’s starting.”

2

Coding Through Hoops

I had a dream the other night, in which I was fixing problems in someone else’s code. Javascript I think. The thing was, each instruction in the code was a dog, and to fix the code I had to make the dog do the right trick.