The Day the Squirrels Took Over

It was on this day in 1903 that Hinsdale, Illinois fell to the squirrels. The city fathers imported sackloads of the the fuzzy menace and declared them a protected species. That the citizens of that oppressed town still have not realized their own slavery and celebrate this day by offering up sacrifices is a testament to the diabolical cleverness of these rodents.

The Scandinavians, apparently, weren’t so easily fooled. According to their legends, the squirrel lives in the tree of life, and is the cause of all our trouble and bad luck. Possibly the nuts as well.

Squirrels manipulated events in England to cause the Pilgrims to seek the new world, then stowed away on their boats and swiftly conquered North America.

Glendale, Ohio fell to the squirrels in the 1940s, when, with the help of Tom “Benedict Arnold” Carruthers III, six black squirrels broke through perimeter defenses and took over. In another indication of the mind-control powers of the invaders, the black squirrel is now the city’s mascot.

All this stuff was culled from even less interesting factiods on this page, and then rephrased to remove the flagrant bias of the original author. I tried to find more details about the Miss America Pageant Disaster, but couldn’t find any dirt except other people quoting the same page.

19 thoughts on “The Day the Squirrels Took Over

  1. the suicide death cult is alive and well in carolina – the squirrels have passed on the brainwashing to possums and our roads are full of dead, squinty-eyed, white furred, pinktailed possums.

    I get a gold star for using death cult and alive and well in the same sentence.

    Remember, folks, when ordering from catalogs use words to help identify letters for your friendly teleservice clerks….
    I need part number “oh” as in possum, “pee” as in pneumonia, “exx” as in xylophone, one two three “aitch” as in enery the eighth, please.

  2. Yesterday was Squirrel Day in Hinsdale. Elsewhere in the world, it was Scrape Up A SSDC Member Day. Come to think of it, everyday is SUASSDCM Day.

  3. Jerry,
    Thanks for showing me how to use the “Ignore” feature on Haloscan to not display comments by particular posters. Now I can once again enjoy the mellow vibe of your site without exposure to the vicious snipes of the embittered MrC5k.

  4. Front page headline from the Los Alamos Monitor, Wednesday, April 5, 2006:
    Leenda, a 70-lb. black Labrador mix, fell 60 feet to the bottom of Pueblo Canyon after chasing a squirrel off the cliff’s edge Tuesday afternoon. …”
    The rescue was carried out by Los Alamos firefighters and animal control personnel. The squirrel was not apprehended.

  5. Jerry, perhaps if you placed my beer icon in the MOH corner, it would calm some of the imtemperate personalities on this board. Remember, I sent it to you last time my people elected me to lead them as MOH. It’s probably in a folder right next to Bob’s MOH icon. Oh wait, Bob hasn’t been MOH since the Mariners last won their division. Now I begin to comprehend the depths of his dispair and bitterness. It’s sad, really.

  6. Hi Keith,

    The mellow vibe didn’t last very long even by your standards.

    If you wanted to resume the vicious sniping you really should have mentioned the Seahawks/Superbowl in addition to the Mariners.

    I invented the MOH job and stand by my record of accomplishment (e.g. Holidays) even if I am “imtemperate”. You, sir, are as pervious as it gets.

  7. Dear Mr C5K3;

    It seems the current MOH has trouble reading past the “k” in our respective titles. It sorrows me that you, and your dear Mariners, have had to suffer for the comments I have been making about the ineptitude of the current administration. Perhaps we should make a call to pre-deperviate the current “leaders?”

    Mr. C5k

  8. I agree that Keith has confused our posts, but he has never let facts get in his way.

    For example, he isn’t even the current MOH. As I commented on the “Accidental Actor” thread, that post belongs to an egg frier (of sorts) from TN.

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