A Load of Carp

Yesterday Otakar, my landlord, asked me “do you have carp?” Not whether I wanted carp, because how could anyone not? He was concerned, however, that somehow I might have found myself in the unfortunate position of not having any. He then went on a fairly long discourse which I think was cooking instructions.

So now I have a rather large, not very tasty fish in my freezer. The recipe that appeals to me most so far is for pickled carp, but of course that one has the longest list of ingredients I don’t have. Most of the recipes I’ve seen involve vinegar; obviously that’s the key to reducing the carpiness of the fish.

Any suggestions?

16 thoughts on “A Load of Carp

  1. Plan B

    Carp bacon! Crispy fried strips of hickory-smoked carpy goodness, the perfect addition to omelets, salads, smoothies, or just enjoyed all on its carpy ownness. Delicious!

    Plan A

    I’ve long believed that just about any recipe can be improved by the addition of chocolate and/or alcohol. And this situation is no exception. Go get some chocolate and alcohol. Eat the chocolate. Drink until you are able to forget that you have a freezer full of carp.

  2. Bob – fish tacos, maybe. Carp tacos, uh… if there was anywhere on the planet ready for carp tacos, this would be it.

    So, no.

  3. Recipe for smoked carp:

    Take the carp and gut it. Make diagonal slashes in the skin; rub lots (I mean LOTS) of garlic and hot chile powder into the slashes.

    Soak a cedar plank in water for an hour or two, and nail the carp to the plank. Light charcoal in a smoker and when it is going well, place the carp and plank in the smoker. Close the cover on the smoker, and close most of the vents. Let the carp smoke for several hours.

    Next, remove the carp from the smoker, take it off the plank, and eat the plank.

  4. You just need to find a dish that mixes the carp with so many other things that you can’t tell the carp is there. Carpalaya. Carpaella. Carp chili. Overpower the carp, it’s that simple.

    Or, consider this:

    from “How To Cook Fish” by Oliver Green

    Broil as usual and serve with melted butter, lemon-juice, and minced parsley poured over it.

    Look closely at this recipe. “Broil as usual.” Do your “usual” broiling habits consist of placing a piece of carp in the broiler and carefully monitoring its progress until it is “done”? Or are you more the type that puts things in the broiler and just… sort of… forgets they are there? Granted, you’ll have to keep your windows open for a few days afterward, but you probably won’t need to worry about buying the parsley or lemon juice.

  5. For me the best bet is Carol Anne’s fish-smoked plank, or the alcohol and chocolate (there is a reason they mostly eat this at x-mas ya know). The best carp I have ever had was a bit of a mix. It was smoked carp eaten after a lot of alcohol.

    Now, on to what Jerry can do. I suggest making it like the Beer Cheese that is oh so popular here. Oil, spices, and a large jar. I imagine MaK could help with this method if prodded a bit (and I don’t mean “will do it for you” when I say “help” here).


  6. I think you are misunderstanding Otakar’s meaning, and with it the solution to your problem. You assume that he was worried you had no carp, when in fact he was worried he had carp. Now go find a neighbor who has been less than polite to you. Make sure they speak no English, and then in english ask them, “Do you have carp?” with a concerned look on your face. Be maternal, and sympathetic and caring and ramble on and on with your favorite recipe from above.
    Then hand them the carp.
    Walk away.
    Wash hands in lemony soap to remove smell.

  7. i think the real problem with this situation is you’re operating under the assumption that your only options involve cooking. you MUST think outside the box… preferably, by first being IN a box, on a street corner, then leaping out at unsuspecting people and slapping them with the carp.

  8. See I thought he was asking Jerry if he still had the carp from last year. Concerned Jerry was running low on the carp in the freezer solution to fine dining. Yeah, that’s it.

  9. The Random Universe strikes again. In the section where we are shown only the beginning of the comments:

    “I think you are misunderstanding Otakar’s meaning, and with it the solution to your problem. You ass…”

    Harsh, but funny nonetheless. But then, so is the carp.

  10. Lemon, Red Chile Powder, Green Chile, Garlic, Carp. Take four parts of each of first four ingredients. Add one part last ingredient. Cook well. Add spices as needed to cover carp taste.

  11. The carp is now defrosting, and most of the ingredients for pickled carp have been assembled. Tomorrow is going to be a big day!

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