Vegetable Science

I am Vine. That means retailers on Amazon can offer me stuff in exchange for a product review. The theory is that Vine members can provide impartial reviews and drown out the paid shills. There are Vine members who don’t understand this, and there are retailers using Vine to dump inventory.

But as a part of this program, I explore categories I would never look at otherwise. It’s fun; I’ve learned about tools I never knew existed, and seen many, many useless things.

One of the categories I can explore is “Professional Medical Supplies”. And in categories like that, there are items that are obviously for one purpose, but can only be sold for another purpose. Syringes with hypodermic needles is an obvious example.

CLEARLY, these items are not meant to inject stuff into humans. They are for injecting stuff into… maybe… vegetables?

Perhaps you are a neatly-bearded scientist who needs to inject blue stuff into a zucchini. Have we got the tool for you! Or maybe it’s broccoli anchored to a chemical stand, with a needle up its butt, and you need to inject some red liquid:

I have to give props where due. Most sellers would not have bothered taking the above photos. The shallow depth of field in the top photo suggests that an actual photographer was involved. With lights and everything.

The entire effort is to support a fiction: that this product is for injecting colored liquids into vegetables, and not human beings. It’s a respectable amount of work to support a transparent lie that everyone knows from the get-go is a lie.

But now I wonder now how a floret of broccoli clamped in the air with a needle up its ass will respond to red fluid.


1 thought on “Vegetable Science

  1. Oh, golly! Now I can just imagine in your Southwest desert home, behind that big curved glass window, as you overlook the garden, and a small pool, that there is actually a LAB setup in the upstairs! It has a a couple of solid epoxy resin lab tables, each with a chemical-resistant stand set, holding erlenmeyer flasks containing the biological makings of!!!…a special bird of prey that will rid your garden of nasty pests, like rattlesnakes, scorpions and those crunchy spiders!!! I can se your drawings of the bird on one of the tables… and it has 2 eyes in front and 2 in back, sort of like rear cross-traffic alert, brilliantly iridescent teal blue/green feathers on the hood, and black wings touched with mother of pearl white tips. It is a falcon! The feet are ivory-colored with razor-sharp talons that can pierce any handler”s gauntlet, so you have had specially tough gauntlets made for yourself, as you will be the falcon’s handler. You envision that it will survey your territory –its territory, really– and will go after any and all trespassers. After all, you are the proud owner of THREE, yes THREE Shih Tzus and they must be protected. You are at ease, because soon you will pour the contents of your erlenmeyer flask into a mold and pop it into an air fryer where it will “fry” for 20 minutes, but then, from the fryer will emerge your falcon “flyer”. You and your Shih Tzus will be safe at last! The end. Love, Aunt Marie

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