Suicide Squirrel Alert Broadcast System


Citizen Guidance on the Suicide Squirrel Advisory System

Risk of Attack Recommended Actions for Citizens
  • Develop a family emergency plan. Decide which family members are expendable. Share the plan with family and friends, and practice the plan. Visit for help creating a plan.
  • Create an “Emergency Supply Kit” for your household. You can hide anything in there; no one will look. Seriously.
  • Be informed. Frequent Web sites which include the Suicide Squirrel Alert Widget. Visit or obtain a copy of “Preparing Makes Sense, Get Ready Now” by calling 1-800-BE-AFRAID.
  • Know how to shelter-in-place and how to turn off utilities (power, gas, and water) to your home. Learn how to cut off your neighbors' utilities, also. More for you that way.
  • Examine volunteer opportunities in your community, such as Citizen Corps, Volunteers in Police Service, Hell's Angels or others, and donate your time.
  • Consider completing an American Red Cross first aid or CPR course, a Community Emergency Response Team (CERT) course, or hanging out at that bar where all the nurses go when their shifts are over.

NOTE: The danger level will never, ever be green. Ever. Consult the Suicide Squirrel Alert Broadcast System for the proper level of fear and suspicion.


Watch out! Squirrels are at their most suicidal! Automobiles are the squirrels' main choice for suicide, so make sure your car is ready.

  • Complete recommended steps at level green.
  • Review stored "disaster supplies" and replace items that are outdated. Double-check your nuts.
  • Make sure cars are equipped with fresh tires, and squirrel catchers are empty and functioning properly.
  • Practice swerving and slamming on the brakes, especially in traffic.
  • Be alert to suspicious activity and report it to proper authorities.
  • Complete recommended steps at levels green and blue.
  • Ensure "disaster supply kit" is stocked and ready. Just like in the other levels you just completed.
  • Check telephone numbers in your family emergency plan and update as necessary. Dial 911 a few times for practice.
  • Develop alternate routes to/from work or school and practice them. Don't let them pick up on any patterns. They are watching you.
  • Does that guy look funny to you? He looks kind of funny to me.
  • Complete recommended steps at lower levels.
  • Exercise caution when traveling, pay attention to travel advisories. Watch for signs of recent squirrel suicides.
  • Review your family emergency plan and make sure all family members know what to do. If civil disorder erupts, don't forget the pharmacy in your rush to get to the electronics store.
  • Be Patient. Expect some delays, baggage searches and restrictions at public buildings. Just like any other day.
  • Check on neighbors or others that might need assistance in an emergency, or who might be plotting against you.
  • I swear that guy's looking at me funny. Is he Mexican? Or maybe Arab? He's at least Italian.
  • Complete recommended steps at lower levels.
  • Listen to local emergency management officials. (They're hilarious!)
  • Stay tuned to TV or radio for current information/instructions. This action item brought to you by Fox News. Fair. Balanced. Just ask us.
  • Be prepared to shelter-in-place or evacuate, as instructed.
  • Load up the shotgun, Martha!.
  • Expect traffic delays and restrictions. Just like any other day.
  • Be Ready: When requested to provide volunteer services, have an excuse prepared.
  • Contact your school/business to determine the status of the work day. Or just stay home and start drinking your "Emergency Supplies."
  • Sure, he looked like the paperboy, but he was on the lawn and you can't be too careful these days. That would be the perfect cover for a suicide bomber, with that big bag and all. And he was a foreigner, just like I thought. Can't trust those Japanese.

*developed with input from The Department of Homeland Security.

To learn more about how you can help protect your community and spread the fear, click here.

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