Suicide Squirrel Death Cult

Location: John and Janice’s house (map)
Miles: 805.3

I got my first inkling of the seamier underside of this quiet town a few days ago while a passenger in John’s car as we headed up the Glenwood cutoff toward Highway 17. It was a peaceful morning; we had a few errands to run – I needed ethernet cables, John had an item to drop by the tailor’s in preparation for his upcoming Polkacide gig. The sun shone down through the branches high overhead. Visibility was excellent, and the day quiet. Not even a Metro was going to sneak up on a woodlands creature on that day.

Yet, inexplicably, as we approached a tree (map) a squirrel leapt out of the foliage directly in the path of the car. John stomped on the brakes, but it was far, far too late. The squirrel vanished out of sight beneath the hood. John looked in the mirrors while I turned around to see the aftermath, but there was no obvious body. Perhaps he had got lucky.

John and I laughed about it, imagining the other squirrels on the side of the road egging that one on, but John must know. He’s been around here too long to not know about the Suicide Squirrel Death Cult. People keep their dark secrets to themselves in small towns.

It was today that the truth became obvious to me. Driving peacefully up Glenwood from the main town (map), two six-packs of beer placed carefully so that the side-to-side forces of the upcoming twisty road would not dislodge them, a squirrel came dashing out from the far side of the road and ran full-tilt to intercept me. I hit the brake, dumping bottles of beer out onto the floor on the passenger side, but as I slowed the squirrel changed course toward me. I cringed as my car passed over the squirrel. Once again, however, when I looked in my rear-view mirror, there was nothing. No squirrel guts, but no squirrel scampering to safety.

“Who trains the squirrels here anyway?” I asked the sky, as if every municipality had a squirrel trainer and the one for Scotts Valley just wasn’t very good. But after my initial innocent outburst, the terrifying truth began to dawn on me.

A hundred yards farther on lay the body of another squirrel. This one clearly had lost his bet with the gods of steel and rubber.

Yet there are eerie parallels between the two squirrel encounters, the most sinister being the complete disappearance of the mad rodents. Ghost squirrels? Perhaps it is an auto-matador squirrel club, keeping points among its members, who try to get as close to the car as possible without buying the acorn stash. Perhaps. But if had been something that innocent, then the locals would have been able to talk about it. No, the secret must be darker. It must be the Suicide Squirrel Death Cult.

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85 thoughts on “Suicide Squirrel Death Cult

  1. Their latest attack — club soda bombs.

    With Pat’s right arm out of commission, he can’t easily drive the behemoth Expedition, so he’s driving my trusty little Cavalier (El Caballero) while I get the big blue ox — Babe. Don’t get me wrong, Babe is a great vehicle for Rio Arriba County, hauling construction materials around, handling rough roads that go beyond the end of county maintenance, pulling and launching and retrieving our 26-foot sailboat. But Babe is totally out of place in the city. Maneuvering in parking lots is a nightmare, and this afternoon when I fueled up, I looked at the $50 credit card receipt and actually burst into tears.

    What’s worse, the squirrels have sabotaged Babe. Every time I open the driver’s-side door, a can of club soda falls out and threatens to detonate under the crotch of my pants as I climb down. According to Gerald, they have put one of their mini-black-holes under the driver’s seat, and it emits a can of club soda every time it detects I am about to open the door. As Pat commented, clearly, this is just a warning — imagine if it had been root beer, and if it had actually detonated.

  2. Hmmm… Squirrel mass suicide. Obviously in such a case finding enough antisquirrels is problematic, thus the proliferation of bodies.

    On another note, I find the word “problematic” amusing. It sounds like a product. “No problems? No problem! Try the new Problematic!”

  3. Back to the “black helicopters”, my grandmother and my aunt were visiting. At the beach we saw a “black helicopter” overhead. My aunt saw it first and shouted out “black helicopter, cover your thoughts” while throwing her hands over her head to block transmission. My grandmother misinterpreted her shout as “black helicopters, cover your thighs”. The consequent postures brought about laughter both from us and covert squirrel observation teams. Had I been more observant, I should have spotted the dratted creatures and captured them, thus dimishing their west coast power base. If only Grams hadn’t reacted so dramatically…

  4. Chatter in the channels between suicide squirrel cells is at an all-time low! It could be seasonal, I suppose, since we here at the Worldwide Suicide Squirrel Monitoring And Vague Uneasiness Center (WSSMAVUC) have not had a chance to calibrate the threat level over an entire year.

    Keep the duck tap handy, though, folks, because for all we know this is just the lull before the storm.

  5. Gerald, we know who you are and where you live. I wouldn’t leave the house alone if I were you. And I’m not you since I’m a squirrel.

    Be afraid, be very afraid! Your days of spying on God’s chosen rodents are nearing an end!

  6. NEWSFLASH: SSDC Automobile sabotage hits UK. from the Sun 2/11/05

    WHERE does a squirrel hide his nuts ‘ all 2,000 of them?

    In the ENGINE of David Bowler’s car, explaining why it kept conking out.

    The amazing hoard was discovered when puzzled David, 69, took his Rover 45 to the garage for a check.

    The 18-month-old car had been losing power and mechanics in Fareham, Hants, found the squirrel was using the air filter as a larder.

    Garage boss Roger Tupper said: ‘We were looking for something like a loose nut ‘ but could not imagine we’d find this many! Our guys couldn’t believe their eyes.

    ‘The nuts had blocked the air intake and stopped air getting into the engine.

    ‘But we removed the nuts and there was no other problem with the car.’

    Squirrel driving me nuts

    Choked … air filter filled with nuts

    Choked … air filter filled with nuts

    FULL NEWS INDEX

    By JAMIE PYATT

    WHERE does a squirrel hide his nuts ‘ all 2,000 of them?

    In the ENGINE of David Bowler’s car, explaining why it kept conking out.

    The amazing hoard was discovered when puzzled David, 69, took his Rover 45 to the garage for a check.

    The 18-month-old car had been losing power and mechanics in Fareham, Hants, found the squirrel was using the air filter as a larder.

    Garage boss Roger Tupper said: ‘We were looking for something like a loose nut ‘ but could not imagine we’d find this many! Our guys couldn’t believe their eyes.

    ‘The nuts had blocked the air intake and stopped air getting into the engine.

    ‘But we removed the nuts and there was no other problem with the car.’

    Laughing stock … Dave with hoard

    Laughing stock … Dave with hoard

    The rodent had grabbed the nuts ‘ weighing 3.5lbs ‘ from a garden bird feeder.

    It crawled up the intake pipe when the car was parked in David’s garage.

    The retired lecturer said his wife Jill was first to notice the car misfiring.

    He said: ‘You couldn’t get any speed above 3,000 to 4,000 revs ‘ so going uphill was awful.

    ‘I was amazed when they said the problems was nuts.

    ‘I couldn’t believe how many there were. It was half a carrier bag full.’

    Alice Henchley, from Mammal Trust UK, said: ‘This is another example of just how adaptable and inventive squirrels are.’

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005062919,00.html – With pictorial goodness.

  7. ATTENTION: HORNY SQUIRREL ALERT!

    BARKING-MAD SQUIRREL ANTICS SPELL TROUBLE

    After a long time without hearing from these furry bastards, we have breaking news. Bad news for Dean and his forest. – SJ

    ******* News Flash **************

    A Macho mating ritual of squirrels could reach epic scale this year – spelling disaster for the trees of the Forest of Dean.

    Grey squirrels are tearing strips off trees to impress females, which then weakens the trees. Experts have warned the historic Dean is teetering on the edge of a tree crisis as a result of the aggressive hormonal behaviour.

    The grey squirrel population in the area is increasing rapidly, with Forestry Commission chiefs estimating current numbers to be around 20,000 – earning it the reputation as the UK’s squirrel capital.

    Now, the situation is expected to worsen as conservation experts predict this year the furry vandals will wreak even more havoc on the next generation of woodland giants during the mating season.

    Bede Howell, of the European Squirrel Initiative, which monitors the phenomenon throughout Europe, said this year was threatening to be a bad 12 months for squirrel damage.

    Rob Guest, deputy surveyor for the Forestry Commission, said it was too early to determine the extent of the damage said it depended on two factors.

    Firstly, on how cold or unpleasant the winter is, because that affects squirrels’ survival.

    Secondly, the amount of food available in the autumn, as heavy fruiting supports a build-up of food for the winter, which helps their survival.

    “We already know we had quite a lot of squirrels coming through the winter and now we are just getting into the damage season,” Mr Guest said.

    “Heavy fruiting means there was a lot of food and squirrels went into the winter in good condition.

    “We certainly think reasonably heavy numbers have come through into this year.”

    The Forest’s wide range of trees, including oak, beech, chestnut, pine, fir and spruce, makes it particularly attractive to squirrels.

    They strip bark right round the trunk, which means the tree either dies, or if it is stripped on one side only, it weakens it until it snaps or allows fungus to set in.

    Currently, Forestry Commission chiefs do not have the resources to cull squirrels and if numbers are high it makes it harder to control them to stop the damage occurring.

    Mr Guest said the damage would be calculated within the next month.

  8. Lone squirrel stops multi-million-dollar construction project. That’s the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent.

    link

    Edited by Jerry for formatting.

  9. SQUIRREL NEWS FLASH

    A Czech town has built a 10,000-euro (12,000 dollar) bridge to protect a handful of squirrels from a busy road, without knowing if they will use it.

    “We think this construction is unique in the world. I myself witnessed two dead squirrels on the road in the space of two months and I felt we had to do something,” Sokolov mayor Karel Jakobec told AFP Thursday.

    At the moment the park is home to just three squirrels.

    “The idea is that instead of going down trees and crossing the road to get to the other side of the park the squirrels will go up and across. But we don’t know yet if it will work,” he added.

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20050915/od_afp/czechanimalsoffbeat_050915171747

  10. Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’

    Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report.

    article

    SJ says, ‘Be very afraid. All your base belong to us.’

    Edited by Jerry to not blow out the recent comment column.

  11. Well, as nobody else was takin’ proactive action, Janice and I are declarin’ war on on the Tamiasciurus douglasii nation.

    Nothin’ attracts them varmints like a bird feeder, so’s we have two of ’em in the side yard now. Jesse The Wonder Dog is still learnin’ the ropes, but he’s takin’ to launchin’ hisself out the Freedom doors when we throw ’em open and holler “Chase!”

    He ain’t caught wunna the little buggers yet, but he’s gettin’ close and the wee grey bastards’re gettin’ greyer by the day!

    Suicide my ass — I’ll be deliverin’ whup-ass via red heeler, one victim at a time…

  12. Squirrel antics cost student money

    “After what happened to me, I really believe the squirrels here are crazy.”

    article

    and the inevitable follow ups:

    Squirrel letter shows lack of sense

    “That being said, while I totally agree that the squirrels on this campus are crazy, I suggest that unless one of them holds a gun to your head and demands that you give him your wallet and all your valuables, exercise a little common sense, rational judgement, and personal responsibility before you start blaming them for your extra expenses.”

    article

    and the wrap up:

    Overblown rhetoric over squirrel letter

    article

    People, don’t let the SSDC drive a wedge of discord within our species!

    [ebjff]

  13. As fall approaches, the SSDC readies yet another offensive.

    Squirrel in spokes floors cycling opera singer

    Mon Sep 4, 2006 11:12 AM

    HELSINKI (Reuters) – A squirrel scampered into the bicycle wheel of an unlucky Finnish opera singer, causing him to fall, knock himself out and break his nose just ahead of the world premiere of a new opera.

    Esa Ruuttunen was pedalling his way to the Helsinki Opera House last month when the squirrel ran into his spokes.

    The singer ended up concussed and in a local hospital, rather than at his rehearsals for the Finnish opera Kaarmeen hetki (Hour of the Serpent), which opens on September 15.

    “He is not yet singing in rehearsals, but thinks he will be able to perform at the world premiere,” Finnish National Opera spokeswoman Heidi Almi told Reuters.

    The squirrel died in the accident.

  14. Sorry boss, but on my way to hand deliver the latest inventory report for quarterly gyrations, I was struck in the spokes by a bicycle fanatic suicide squirrel. I ended up concussed and I do not know where the printouts are.

    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  15. I’ve read that story before, and it remains compelling. It is a sign of good writing that he portrays a situation that taxes credulity, but in the end it all rings true. He sets the stage beautifully, puts us there with him, and then throws a squirrel in our collective face. Indeed, quite possibly the best squirrel story ever told.

  16. it’s me that you want

    i’ve seen the moon first hand

    the moon was brought to me

    stand on the dock for wisdom

    you cant go out during the lunar eclipse or solar eclipse so you dont fry

    your chakras will burn

    for peace go to the beach at walled lk in walled lk

  17. the squirrel cult does exist

    Ive been attacked

    the goose cracks me up

    wesak

    what do you think about that

    watch out for space ships there everywhere

    by the way I’m very powerful

    remember the blackout several years ago when the lights went out in almost every state

    I caused it
    I didnt mean any harm but I didnt want to be raped by aliens
    they were in my apartment and I saw tons of ships in the air and I told them to leave me alone get the fuck away and I used my very powerful mind and thought them gone I would say out of the universe but I thought bigger than that bigger than words can say they were all gone after that instantly they use to control the electricity when the electricity went out I said oh shit I went for a ride I was amazed how far the electricity went out

    JENNIFER

  18. I have encountered these squirrels before when the econemy went south quiet litteraily. They are under a restraing order and have all there acorns taken in one court order buy an owl that presides over court. the baylift is a badger! kicked out of there knott holes with nothing to lose, They become depressed under tires, Bridgestones make a nice pattern? Any way at the last moment they get that I would rather live in the road than pave a pot hole! But on ocasion the older ones are too slow and are known too waffle on there choose’s. Hopefully I will invet a tire that will leave a name brand behind, Like ‘eat at joes cafe’ I though up spinners but never got a cent. Oh please do not bother to tell me I am nutter than a squirrel turd because I know this and my knott hole and acorns are gone! Taken buy a barking squillel? Southern Illet JR

  19. I have encountered these squirrels before when the econemy went south quiet litteraily. They are under a restraing order and have all there acorns taken in one court order buy an owl that presides over court. the baylift is a badger! kicked out of there knott holes with nothing to lose, They become depressed under tires, Bridgestones make a nice pattern? Any way at the last moment they get that I would rather live in the road than pave a pot hole! But on ocasion the older ones are too slow and are known too waffle on there choose’s. Hopefully I will invet a tire that will leave a name brand behind, Like ‘eat at joes cafe’ I though up spinners but never got a cent. Oh please do not bother to tell me I am nutter than a squirrel turd because I know this and my knott hole and acorns are gone! Taken buy a barking squillel? Southern Illet JR

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