Suicide Squirrel Threat Level Meter

I have realized that as I sit atop my media empire I have a responsibility to the community I serve. Having originally broken the story of the Suicide Squirrel Death Cult, I must take on the mantle and continue to monitor this nefarious and fuzzy organization. Therefore I have spent my precious afternoon putting into place the Suicide Squirrel Threat Level System. I will now be monitoring suicide squirrel communications activity (“chatter”, we call it in the biz), and based on that and other less tangible data I will periodically update the Suicide Squirrel Threat Level indicator on this site. Please be sure to check back often. Remember, preparedness is their worst enemy!

The threat levels are:
RED: psychotic
ORANGE: peeved
YELLOW: sick and tired
BLUE: ready to jump
GREEN: peaceful, easy feeling

Note that blue is where we would expect the greatest suicidal activity. Please pay close attention to the current threat and adjust your duct tape stockpiles accordingly. There may be times when the threat level seems arbitrary, but please be assured that this public service is backed by 100% USDA choice Science.

If you want to be part of the Suicide Squirrel Alert System, simply paste the following tag into your page. Your page will instantly update with the correct image:

<script type=”text/javascript” src=”http://homepage.mac.com/vikingjs/blogstuff/ThreatLevel.js”></script>

Thanks in advance for helping with this serious problem. If you do choose to become involved, I’d like to hear about it, either through the comment system or using the trackback thingie below.

squirrel_all.gif

Update! WordPress users can now become part of the network simply by dropping in a widget! Go, Team WordPress! Let’s take this battle to the next level!

19 thoughts on “Suicide Squirrel Threat Level Meter

  1. So, as the SSAL moves up, what actions should I take to ensure the safety of my nuts and me? I mean, just knowing the level is higher doesn’t really help me that much. In fact, it just makes me more nervous.

    Even though I live in the city, there are still a lot of squirrels around. In fact just a ways down the street here, I think some of the SSDC members are creating a stronghold. They’ve created a whole network of tunnels (must be the ground troops) within just a scampering of two residential streets and an adjacent parking lot. And, I know that some idiot from PETA will be haulin’ ass down the street, swerve to miss the stupid fuzz ball, jump the sidewalk, crash into my building, shaking it hard enough to topple me from the balcony (where I’m monitoring the Pigeon Poop Platoon across the way.)

    Please give me some guidance.

  2. I don’t know how I can possibly be more clear. The information I receive, while credible, is not specific or actionable.

    The rating system is to allow you, the public, to better adjust your suspicion of strangers, your voting habits, and your stockpiles of duct tape based on the level of threat as we currently understand it.

    Anyone who doesn’t find our very specific and extremely important information useful and critical to their everyday life is either not trying hard enough or is just trying to sow confusion and undermine the American Way ™.

  3. I specifically worked the threat meter to allow anyone to put the squirrel threat level on their site. if you copy the link as is, your site will change automatically when I determine that the threat level has changed. Clicking the image takes you to the original SSDC page. You may want to set the target of the link to be a new window.

    Make sure when you paste it that the <‘s at the beginnings of the tags paste correctly, not as the non-functional &-l-t’s.

    <script content-type=”javascript” src=”http://homepage.mac.com/vikingjs/blogstuff/ThreatLevel.js”></script>

    NOTE: I have changed the html above to work with my new, more versatile system.

  4. I see that over the weekend the chatter level has gone from 430 to 438. Not enough to warrant a change in threat level, but certainly enough to cause news stories increasing the vague apprehension among the populace.

    In the above html, you may want to remove the title attribute, since it will not update automatically. You don’t want to be spreading misinformation.

  5. I have just come to a realization, a revelation, if you will, about the relationship of squirrels to automobiles. It’s big, and it’s bad, and it’s really sinister.

    This term at TVI is turning out to be one of very bad car-karma — no fewer than eight of my students have had to miss class due to car accidents, and that’s only in the first five weeks of the term. In addition, Babe the SUV got $2500 worth of hit-and-run damage during the neighborhood association’s annual meeting up at Five O’Clock Somewhere. Then, this past weekend, while we were migrating the boat from Navajo Lake to Elephant Butte, one of the tires on the trailer self-destructed, and we discovered the hard way that our cell-phone coverage wasn’t nearly as good as advertised. On top of it all, somebody stole the radio antenna off El Caballero last week 30 feet in front of a security guard while I was in the supermarket for a mere 10 minutes.

    I’ve finally figured it out — it’s the squirrels! We already know that the SSDC’s main focus is on self-destruction through car-carnage. What better than to try to thwart us through bad car-karma?

  6. Oh, and before I forget — the demise of Amy’s car, surely the worst car-karma event possible. (OK, well, maybe I’m exaggerating here, but, you know, it’s a really bad car-karma event.) That’s got to be the work of the squirrels as well.

  7. To pause for a moment to mention that other threat level meter:

    I realized some time ago that it was really only a three-color system, because it is politically impossible to set the terrorist threat level at blue or green. What if an attack came during that time? Impeachment, probably.

    But it’s boiled down now to a one-color system. If they raise it past yellow, that’s proof that we’re not “safer”. That’s why you get press conferences where they say activity is increasing, so we should be more vigilant/frightened, but they’re not changing the threat level.

    Sorry to go off-topic and state the obvious, but this year it seems the obvious isn’t obvious enough.

  8. If the threat level actually meant anything, I would appreciate it. For instance, the National Weather Service has a scale that I can understand — if there’s a tornado WATCH, that means there might be a tornado in the area, so I ought to be on the lookout, but if there’s a tornado WARNING, that means the Doppler radar has detected a funnel cloud, and it’s a good idea to take cover.

    It’s a pity that terrorist activity isn’t as predictable as funnel clouds.

  9. AHA! I know why I can’t get the sidebar any more — it’s the squirrels! They don’t want me to be able to see the threat meter. That means they must be planning something.

  10. for those who wish to link in to the Suicide Squirrel Alert System, I have modified the system a bit. The big advantage of the new way is it allow you st see the actual numerical threat level when you roll over the button.

    Please note that while that number is an important part of the system, it is not the only measure of the threat. so if one day you see a level of 49 and the threat level is, say, yellow, and then later you see that the level has been changed to blue but the number is the same, that is not an arbitrary or random event. This is science, kids. It’s not always pretty.

    Anyway, here’s the updated HTML tag:

    <script content-type=”javascript” src=”http://homepage.mac.com/vikingjs/blogstuff/ThreatLevel.js”></script>

    When you copy it, make sure that the &-l-t’s paste in as opening tag brackets.

  11. The squirrels are getting braver. We had one defending the gate to the house we were sitting against us! Worst, the dogs we were taking care of were missing! It took bravery, and a loud sneeze to scare him from his defensive position. We weren’t sure if it was injured, had the plague, was part of the SSDC, or all of the above. Needless to say, even with the two big dogs (they came home right about sunset), several cats, and a Japanese Fighting Fish in the house, we didn’t sleep well that night!

  12. The squirrel is getting as mad as I am driving… thought about that what is happened the other day… pL wrote about that above… Better to think to the future, a head with a head…

  13. Suicidal Squirrel threat level has been very valuable in helping me properly matrix my duct tape stores, the proper level of 4 mil plastic sheeting and it has given me an in depth and acute understanding of the Terrorist mind. Afterall, there is a direct correlaton between these dam squirrels, liberals, and terrorists. As if they ARE the same mind. They are socialists. They are commies. They just want to destroy America. I say GITMO these suicidal squirrels and get them off the great American road ways where SUV’s and HUMMERS are the obvious superior beings. Make American safe again. The best god dam country in the world. god bless america, god dam it.

  14. Someone named sam put the following comment in the old comment system. I thought it would be good to try to shift new comments to the modern system. That way It’ll show on the sidebar. It deserves to be seen.

  15. Suicidal Squirrel threat level has been very valuable in helping me properly matrix my duct tape stores, the proper level of 4 mil plastic sheeting and it has given me an in depth and acute understanding of the Terrorist mind. Afterall, there is a direct correlaton between these dam squirrels, liberals, and terrorists. As if they ARE the same mind. They are socialists. They are commies. They just want to destroy America. I say GITMO these suicidal squirrels and get them off the great American road ways where SUV’s and HUMMERS are the obvious superior beings. Make American safe again. The best god dam country in the world. god bless america, god dam it.

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